Ever Faithful

Finally, the dark fears and the heavy heart has passed by me, like the 18 wheeler truck barreling down I-95. Seeking solace in the book of Job, I have been graced by His pressence and His peace.

On Monday, I got a call from a recruiter telling me of a position that he wanted to submit my resume to. I said fine, fear creeping up my spine, slowly, as I had been on a few interviews and still no job. About an hour later he said that they wanted to see me the next day at 10:30am.

I went in for the interview and the guy pretty much told me that I had the job. He said that he wasnt going to look for anyone, anymore and that he was counting on me.

Granted the job is not exactly what I want, its a help desk position, while I have been seeking a Network/Systems Administrator position, however, it would be a lead position. I was told that I have the most experience on the team and that they are growing as well. So I would be a part of that.

So, ever faithful is He who I call my God. I am truly blessed to be a part of His family. I have also learned a few things during this "down time". I am a very prideful person. It has been humbling to be out of a job and have companies tell me that I didnt have enough experience. Ever present, I had Him whisper in my ear, that is not true, I do have enough experience, but I truly believe he had something else waiting for me.

I am eager to start and excited to take on this opportunity. I also realize that I will have to keep my goatee trimmed and not let it get out of control, the way I usually do. I will have to shave on a regular basis and essentially present myself in a more "professional" way.

Its going to be hard, as I have always viewed myself as a blue collared worker in a white collar world. I'd do fine working on a construction site, getting dirty and building things. But, this is the line of work that I have chosen and this is where I need ton continue.

Loosing grip

Slowly, the weight of the world seems to laden my shoulder with more and more. The reality of my unemployment weighs more on my heart. The emptyness grows more and more.

Slowly, Im having troubles dealing with it. Sleep, for most, comes easy. These days, it hides around the corner, as each hour passes by. I try to hold onto my faith that God has me in His hands. As the days pass and my phone does not ring, my stomach full of butterflies, grows weak.

I try to hold my head high, especially when I have James, as to not have that fear filling his head. But, each day that passes, it grows harder and harder. I want a job. But that reality seems to slowly fade away. Slipping into obscurity is how I feel.

Waiting and waiting for the phone to ring with someone on the other end informing me that they want me to start, I continusouly desire. Slowly I grow weaker and weaker, desire growing into an obsession.

Slowly, I begin to slip into the depths of dispair, desiring more and more, drowning my self pitty into a case of Miller Light or a bottle of some good whiskey, Glenn Livet or something like that.

I know I cant, but slowly it grows on me.

I hate how I feel, I hate this feeling, feeling of nothingness. Feeling as if I am not worth anything. I am sorry, though, for my complaints and bad mouthing I had done. Even though I have an interview on Wednsday, I still feel as though I have nothing. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

*sigh*

Musings

It occured to me, this morning, that God had been trying to tell me something for the past couple of months. Looking back, it slowly formed into my thick skull.

I have no one to blame for my firing but my own pride and wagging tongue. In my frustrations, I lost site of who I am and what I am supposed to do and be. I lost sight as the clouds of pride filled my eyes, not allowing me to see what was happening. The soft whisperings of the great deciever filled my mind and began to fill my heart.

I am a better person than the angry and egotistical person I was being, at work. I had tried to take everything that was thrown at me in stride, but deep down in the bowels of my blackened heart, I was angry at what happened, how the new guy got the promotion when it was painfully obvious that he was clueless as to the duties of a Network Administrator.

My frustrations grew as I had been given a raw deal. I was supposed to be the man. I was supposed to be the master of that domain. I was supposed to be a god in that small little domain.

But, Im not. There is only one God and I tried to take what He had given me, what He had enabled me to do, and I walked all over it. I spit on it and wiped my muddy boots on His gift.

Through my pride, I lost sight to the fact that I am a follower of Christ and that my time is only temporary here. I had started to focus on more worldly things that I did of spiritual things.

Earlier this morning, I was listening to Charles Stanley this morning. He had spoken to my heart and opened my eyes to who I really am. All through out the time with my frustrations at work, I was focusing on how I (me, myself) was not getting what I deserved. I harbored resentment towards the new guy, and anger filled my heart. I continued to work hard, but the hurt and anger continued to fill me.

I am a servant. I am a Christian. I am only on this earth for a time. What will I see when I get to Heaven? The images of me showing my brethren love and encouragement or images of me verbally bashing a co-worker, tongue filled with venom? I'm sure there will be both, but I would say that the majority of the images would be of me filled with anger and resentment at the new guy.

As such, it has caused me great joy in the realization of this. Granted, it is something that Christ was trying to tap my shoulder, hoping to get my attention, to tell me that. I was too busy being angry to feel his gentle tap.

Once again, Ole dogboy took the wheel and ran myself smack dab into another ditch and have crawled back to my savior, seeking him to help me get the car back onto the road.

Waiting

I hate looking for a new job. Waiting for the phone calls, its feels like I'm waiting for the hot girl to give me a phone call. Waiting and wondering if she is going to call. Trying to keep my mind off of the phone call and when the phone finally rings, my heart skips a beat, a smile creeps upon my face, only to be disappointed that its not her, but a friend calling.

I know that God has me in His arms, holding me and trying to reassure me that its going to be ok, but when my mind begins to roam, its difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I had bitched and moaned about my previous job and to be honest, I wouldnt be surprised if that job had caused me certain health problems, like hight blood pressure etc.

But, it's worse to wake in the morning, wondering what I can do to pass the time. Waking and jumping on the internet to check my emails hoping and praying that there is that perfect job being offered to me. When I log on my heart sinks even deeper because there are no new emails. I can only surf the 'net for so long.

It is hard to maintain the faith that I will find a job soon. It is nerve wracking trying to figure out what to do with my "spare time". I must continue to strive on and continue to walk with my head up, no matter how hard it feels. I must continue to smile when my son comes running up to me, with his beaming smile crying out "Daddy". So happy to see me, he is. Its painful, but by the Grace of God, He has given me a career and I need to continue to remember that and that He will continue to provide for me, the needs that I have.

FIRED!!!!!!

This past friday, I get a call at 6:30pm from my supervisor (we shall call her witch) to inform me that "Its just not working out. The things that you have been working are not working." So, I get canned.

Apparently, the owner was on the verge of tears when he informed the company of this news. So, its all in the "new guy" (whom I will refer to as DA) hands. I was talking to a friend who works there and the explination why I was "let go" is because I was making unauthorized changes without informing anyone.

So, the best I can surmise is this. As those that have read my blogs in the past, I have been eager to upgrade the network and finally that chance came to me, and I took the chance running. We were putting into place a new firewall device. So, part of that is putting in new firewall rules. So, I went ahead and put in the firewall rules so that we could implement it, quickly.

As well, there is a web application that is on our network, that needs firewall rules. Due to an upgrade of this application, which is not an upgrade, its a new product, so I had to ensure the old version was still accessable (which it was) and add the new version to the firewall.

That is why I got fired. No, not really. It is because witch (which I should change the w to a b) does not like me because I am an intelligent and hard worker. I do not back down when someone tells me something that I know is not possible. She wants a "yes man".

DA is a yes man because he couldnt find his head from a hole in the wall.

Anyways, the interview went very well, in my eyes. I interviewed with two people. The first guy I interviewed with, threw some technical questions and we talked about stuff and he said to me that he was rooting for me, he hoped I got the job. Once we were done, we went downstairs cuz the second guy, the manager, was out to lunch. No problem.

Shortly after, he returns and we go back upstairs. He talks to me for less than ten minutes and asks when I can start. I tell him I need to give a 2 week notification, he, half jokingly asks, "Can you make it a week?" but then says "Thats your call" and that was that.

So, the recruiting company says to me that the would hopefully call me on that friday, or Monday at the latest. I hadnt heard from them, so on Monday I call. Apparently there was an emergency with the managers father (who I interviewed with) so I wont know until.....who knows.

That being said, I am quite pissed that I get canned and that jack ass gets to keep his job. But whatever, its not my problem anymore.

Im still alive

For those that come here and view this diatribe of random and rambling thoughts, yes, I am still alive. I havent posted much as I have been quite busy. A quick run down of whats going on in my life so far.

1. James started flag football and I have been getting him every wednsday through sunday, but school is starting soon so that will change back to every friday through sunday. He just had his first game.

2. We are in a pause with the network upgrade but I had my performance review and it was "based off of the 2 months of improvement" so I got a $.91 raise. The very next day, I find out that the new guy who hasnt really done much, is the "team lead".

Needless to say I have been looking for another job. I have had quite a few bites and 2 days ago I had an interview and then an impromptue phone interview. The phone interview went well, its a job that would pay me $20K more than Im making now, actually getting me to the national average of a network admin. I am all about that job. Doing what I do now, but with more pay and I would be working by myself..... :) I like that.

3. Struggling to keep a positive out look on my current employment situation.

When you feel that your not appreciated or you understand that your supervisor "tollerates" you as best they can but would rather you not be there, it makes your job quite dificult. However, Im struggling to get through it all.

I was telling a friend yesterday that to me, I have a sensation about me that Im almost done at this company. Im comfortable with it and I feel as though Im a short timer there.

Well, thats just a quick run down for me. I will try to post more later.

The drama continues.......

Well, I wanted to start off by explaining something. My last post, I dont think I got my whole point across completely.

Yes, these things I desire, to find a beautiful woman and what not. I want to have that well paying job. I have been in the computer field for 10 yrs now, and a network admin for 5 or 6 years. However, I am not making the money that I should be making.

But thats not the point. These desires are selfish desires that doesnt mean I should get them. Just because I want them, doesnt mean I should get them. Who am I to expect these things? I can desire them all I want, but its up to Him to grant these desires. And to be honest, I think that I am right where He wants me to be.

Which leads me to the drama.

My ex is planning on going on a cruise. Thats fine. However, she had asked if I could take James while she went on this cruise. Now, I would love to, however, she lives about 45 minutes away from where I live and well, I wouldnt be there to pick him up from school until about 7:30. My parents are the ones usually the ones that pick him up since they know that I wont get home till kind of late and it makes it easier on both her and me. Well, two times that my ex had found a decent time for the cruise, my parents were also on a planned trip.

So, she found another cruise around halloween. When she asked my parents if they would be able to pick him up, my dad said no. Every day driving close to an hour out of the way, for a 68 yr old man, can be a bit much.

Now, my dad has gone well beyond the means of helping my ex out, all for James. He has done a lot for her and she just doesnt really get it.

Well, anyways, she sends me an email saying that the only way she can make this cruise is if I stay at her house and I could do my thing, and I told her that I couldnt do it and that I also disagreed with her taking my son out of school so she can go on vacation......So, in response to that email, she sends me this long diatribe on how she hates it here and that she has only me and my parents to rely on. If she was back home she could rely on her family. So then she proceeds to tell me that she is seriously contemplating on moving back to Sweden next year.

Now, Im not freaking out as I feel quite confident that He will not allow it. I am a huge part of James's life. I call all the time and I pick him up every weekend. I never want to go a weekend without him.

She is also planning on taking him out of school and "pay the full ticket" because she has no other option. Never mind the option of not going.

So, thats my story and Im sticking to it...... :)