Through the foggy haze

Well, just recieved an email from my girlfriend (ex?) with her saying that she was letting me go. Ok, now, even though her and I were talking of breaking up in 4 months (crack plan I know) but it still hurts. Tears streaming down my face like the missippi river. Even though its to be expected, it still hurts. A year of my life has gone by and granted, it wasnt all joy and happiness, however it still hurts. It cuts me to the core. Yes, I do love this girl, and yes I would have gotten married to her. However, before that would have happened, we would have had to come to some compramizes and what not, who doesnt. But still, it hurts like hell. And what hurts the most, is when she closed the email saying I'll miss you. That hurts the most.

Man, this thing called love really hurts. Maybe this is the best for the both of us, but it hurts none the less. I have said this before, and I will continue to say it, I am staying away from females for a long time. I will remain single for at least a year. After the time, some would say that this is the best thing, but really, maybe it is, but it still, it really hurts. Ending a relationship is painful, whether you are doing it or not. I too, will miss her. She is a wonderful girl, and she is wonderful with my son. But she will never, as she says, will never be able to love him as her own. That may be the case, but time does change people. Maybe this is all for a reason.....I dunno....
Depths of dispair, here I come!!

Lord Please be with me. I need you, I want you. You are my savior and I know that you will never leave me.

Man, I wanna drink. Scotch on the rocks!!

The Judge and Jury

Well, had to go to NOVA today, to go to court to see if my unemployed looser could lessen my child support payments, which the judge gladly said NO!. Not enough circumstances changed for him to lessen it. And also, on the way to Northern Virginia, my car started to get real hot. So Im kinda stuck here for a minute. Hopefully I can get someone to look at it tomorrow. Im actually quite tired at the moment, only had 2 cups of coffee today and one was luke warm, the other was quite horrible also. My dad wanted me to stop by and fix his computer, which I did. He said he was going to give me 40 bux for fixing it, but Im not going to take 40 off him. He did take me to court this morning when my car didnt start. So, I will just take 20. I know Im so nice. Been trying to get in touch with my girlfriend so she can be pissed about this. I must say, however, Im not too happy about it either. I cant afford the payments, but I will trust in the Lord that I am in his hands. I know this whole situation is full of Gods involvement. Which is great. I do love the Lord so much, and even though, right now everything has sorta gone to shit, I know that He is watching over me. A friend asked me if I was getting closer to God. And I am elated to say that this is the first time in my life that I can actually say, even in a minorly depressed mood, that YES I am growing closer. I may not "feel" him at the moment but I know that God is real and that His promises are forever, and will not break. And what did He say? That He would never leave me. Or you, or you, or you. So, yes, I am closer to God. I know I have a long way to go, in my spiritual journey, but we all do.

Life Long Search

Again, I am back on the life long search for meaning. Searching for a job. For a male, so I have been told, a job makes you who you are. If thats the case, then right now I am a loser. Oh well. I have been called worse. However, that being said, I have been reading a book. Yes, I know how to read :) Anyways, its called "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I am actually enjoying it. It has made me think, deeply about my life and about who I am.

I am not this pathetic loser that I always, in my pits of self dispair, think I am. Yeah, I got laid off, dont have a job, and has a really difficult life. By my own choosing, I might add, because of my stupidity. I guess this is the part where I reveal a bit of my soul. Well, Im not going to go into history, but where I am at now, because I dont believe in dwelling on the past. But, it appears to me that my decision to move back to NOVA is becoming more and more a reality. Its not that I really want to, however, its where I think I will be best suited. Im in the computer field and well, WV just doesnt have them. NOVA (for those that dont know stands for Northern Virginia) is where a lot of technical jobs are. Also, after spending a year, praying and hoping that all the childish games would end from my ex-wife, I have come to realize that they wont. Its not fair to my son to have him so far away from me. I got to speak to him on the phone today, for a good 45 minutes. He's only four and well, I rather enjoyed it. Put me in a good mood after getting into a screaming match with my (soon to be ex) girlfriend because I opened a pack of cigarettes (that she bought) and put some in my pack, because she smoked half of mine. But she bought the cigarettes so she gets the full run of them. Leave me, one who is home all day, with 4. Thats nice. But anyways, it was fun to talk to him. Also, I kinda miss my friends. Granted, we never hung out a lot, but there were times when they did hang out and I miss that stuff. Who knows. I still dont know what my purpose of my life is, however I am starting to believe that my purpose is for my son. His mother is not a believer and well, she has made it quite clear that GOD does not belong in her life. And she has jumped all over me at times, when I wanted to bring him to church. Bringing my son to know Christ, I think is one purpose for me, and how can I do that when Im living in WV? Also, she has asked, time and time again, to set the visitation 1 week me, 1 week her. So, I would be very willing to accept that, remove the child support, and I believe, with her track record, gain full custody of him. But, thats here nor there. I gotta look at the immediate future. My girlfriend has given me till the end of January to move out. But, to be quite honest with you, its not the first time I have heard that from her. I also hear from her, a lot, how she wouldnt be able to finish school, if I wasnt here. I have made her time here in WV a lot easier. I dunno. A lot of mixed messages, but I need to not focus on my "love life" and focus on my real life. I tend to dwell in fantasy a lot, because I can be someone there. I can be the coolest guy, or the hottest guy, or the strongest guy. But in reality I am a weak scared little boy, in a mans body.

Where to roam

Well, after spending 10 months trying to find a job in this wonderful land of West Virginia, I get a job, only to be canned after a month and a half. Apparently they are "restructuring" so the new guy gets the boot. Now, Im back at square one. My girlfriend, who is so kind, decided to take me out for a couple of drinks to get my mind off of my recent unemployment. Well, that lasted all about 1 hr. Yeah, my mind was off my unemployment, however it appears to me that my past marriage is more important of a topic of conversation rather than what is ahead of me.

Oh well, I plan on sticking to my guns, but first I need to figure out where I am to go next. I could go back home, tail between my legs, seeking refuge back in my parents house. That would go over like a ton of bricks. See, my parents and I dont have the greatest of relationships. My mother, is a psycho. My dad, he is the type that would say "I told you so." Then he would proceed to tell me how to live my life. Proceed to tell me how I am not good enough and that my shit-canning was in some way my fault. Yeah, I do think that, but they have stated that they would give me a letter of recomendation and what not. My old boss also, has repeatedly told me that it has nothing to do with my performance or technical knowledge.

So, Im back at the starting square again, not knowing what Gods will is for me. Desperately seeking the knowledge of whether or not to stay here, in WV or to move back to NOVA or even closer to NOVA, so I can be closer to my son. I have a friend in San Diego who has been asking for me to move out there. "You'd love it. Its shallow, but to the point that its so shallow that its funny". Yeah, just like NOVA, which is why I left in the first place. Yeah, the fact that its weather doesnt change and there is no winter, does seem appealing, but for a moment. I like the snow, just hate the people that try to drive in it. I guess this is when I am going to have to learn to Trust in Him. He, I know, has me in His hands. Sometimes I just wish that His plans were not so mysterious to me. I wish I could know what He has planned for me. I know that through Prayer and through seeking His word, in the Bible, I can find some answers. Its just hard to trust when right now, I have little trust to give. Ex-wife that loves to play her little games, thinking she is doing the right thing by our son. A girlfriend who loves to ride the past and continously tell me how we wont work, and when I say Ok, Im leaving, all hell breaks loose. A mother that wont speak to me because she hates me for who I am. Who am I? Someone that is nothing like her and didnt turn out to be the Dr. that she thought I would become. In all honesty, Im not really hers. I was adopted but she was the one who rose me to be the dolt that I am now. A father that rides all the negative aspects of my life, and who doesnt really know me. A son who loves me to death, but when he gets dropped off at his mothers house, he gets bombarded with questions on what I did with him. A job that hired me saying that they need someone as they are swamped. A month and a half later, they let me go, because of "restructuring". What am I going to do? Well, I guess the first thing I need to do is play Mechanic and get my car fixed, if possible. I know nothing about cars. Computers, is a different story. But anyways. My frustration level, as Im sure you can understand, is pretty high. However, the one good thing that I have going for me is that Jesus Christ is my personal savior and that my time here on earth, is only temporary. My life is not here, but in Heaven.

Happy New Years broken resolutions!!!

So this is the time to make a resolution, of how you are going to change for the next year. What a load of crap!! Why wait till the "New Year" to make a change about yourself? Why not now? Makes you feel important to make a resolution. All the resolutions are, changes about yourself that you plan to make. We all know that those resolutions will not hold. Your weak!!!!

I place myself into that catagory as well. I know, of all people who know me, that I am a weak individual. However, since I started this, there are certain things about me that I would like to change.
1. Remain single for a while.
2. Go to the gym, once in a while.
3. Find me a nice church
4. I dunno, go to the doctor, maybe visit a shrink. Yeah, thats the ticket.

I feel that these New Years resolutions are worthless. I mean, you want to make a change about yourself, so you wait for the new years, only to break the resolution 5 minutes into the new year. I plan on making changed for myself, and I let myself be led by Christ. One of those changes is to focus myself more towards God, and so I picked up "A Purpose Driven Life" and already have had a good deal of shit, from my current girlfriend, laid upon me. But thats my life, drama drama drama. Lord Willing, I will have the strenght to do what I need to do. I usually have so many deep and penetrating thoughts, but when the clock strikes 5 my brain is much, so it comes out like gibberish from a 5 year old. Working on computers and staring at the monitor all day steals brain cells. it does. me no likey brain sells go bye bye.

See I told ya. Well, yeah. What to do, what to do. Continue on with life, and do what needs to be done.