Life Long Search
Again, I am back on the life long search for meaning. Searching for a job. For a male, so I have been told, a job makes you who you are. If thats the case, then right now I am a loser. Oh well. I have been called worse. However, that being said, I have been reading a book. Yes, I know how to read :) Anyways, its called "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I am actually enjoying it. It has made me think, deeply about my life and about who I am.
I am not this pathetic loser that I always, in my pits of self dispair, think I am. Yeah, I got laid off, dont have a job, and has a really difficult life. By my own choosing, I might add, because of my stupidity. I guess this is the part where I reveal a bit of my soul. Well, Im not going to go into history, but where I am at now, because I dont believe in dwelling on the past. But, it appears to me that my decision to move back to NOVA is becoming more and more a reality. Its not that I really want to, however, its where I think I will be best suited. Im in the computer field and well, WV just doesnt have them. NOVA (for those that dont know stands for Northern Virginia) is where a lot of technical jobs are. Also, after spending a year, praying and hoping that all the childish games would end from my ex-wife, I have come to realize that they wont. Its not fair to my son to have him so far away from me. I got to speak to him on the phone today, for a good 45 minutes. He's only four and well, I rather enjoyed it. Put me in a good mood after getting into a screaming match with my (soon to be ex) girlfriend because I opened a pack of cigarettes (that she bought) and put some in my pack, because she smoked half of mine. But she bought the cigarettes so she gets the full run of them. Leave me, one who is home all day, with 4. Thats nice. But anyways, it was fun to talk to him. Also, I kinda miss my friends. Granted, we never hung out a lot, but there were times when they did hang out and I miss that stuff. Who knows. I still dont know what my purpose of my life is, however I am starting to believe that my purpose is for my son. His mother is not a believer and well, she has made it quite clear that GOD does not belong in her life. And she has jumped all over me at times, when I wanted to bring him to church. Bringing my son to know Christ, I think is one purpose for me, and how can I do that when Im living in WV? Also, she has asked, time and time again, to set the visitation 1 week me, 1 week her. So, I would be very willing to accept that, remove the child support, and I believe, with her track record, gain full custody of him. But, thats here nor there. I gotta look at the immediate future. My girlfriend has given me till the end of January to move out. But, to be quite honest with you, its not the first time I have heard that from her. I also hear from her, a lot, how she wouldnt be able to finish school, if I wasnt here. I have made her time here in WV a lot easier. I dunno. A lot of mixed messages, but I need to not focus on my "love life" and focus on my real life. I tend to dwell in fantasy a lot, because I can be someone there. I can be the coolest guy, or the hottest guy, or the strongest guy. But in reality I am a weak scared little boy, in a mans body.
I am not this pathetic loser that I always, in my pits of self dispair, think I am. Yeah, I got laid off, dont have a job, and has a really difficult life. By my own choosing, I might add, because of my stupidity. I guess this is the part where I reveal a bit of my soul. Well, Im not going to go into history, but where I am at now, because I dont believe in dwelling on the past. But, it appears to me that my decision to move back to NOVA is becoming more and more a reality. Its not that I really want to, however, its where I think I will be best suited. Im in the computer field and well, WV just doesnt have them. NOVA (for those that dont know stands for Northern Virginia) is where a lot of technical jobs are. Also, after spending a year, praying and hoping that all the childish games would end from my ex-wife, I have come to realize that they wont. Its not fair to my son to have him so far away from me. I got to speak to him on the phone today, for a good 45 minutes. He's only four and well, I rather enjoyed it. Put me in a good mood after getting into a screaming match with my (soon to be ex) girlfriend because I opened a pack of cigarettes (that she bought) and put some in my pack, because she smoked half of mine. But she bought the cigarettes so she gets the full run of them. Leave me, one who is home all day, with 4. Thats nice. But anyways, it was fun to talk to him. Also, I kinda miss my friends. Granted, we never hung out a lot, but there were times when they did hang out and I miss that stuff. Who knows. I still dont know what my purpose of my life is, however I am starting to believe that my purpose is for my son. His mother is not a believer and well, she has made it quite clear that GOD does not belong in her life. And she has jumped all over me at times, when I wanted to bring him to church. Bringing my son to know Christ, I think is one purpose for me, and how can I do that when Im living in WV? Also, she has asked, time and time again, to set the visitation 1 week me, 1 week her. So, I would be very willing to accept that, remove the child support, and I believe, with her track record, gain full custody of him. But, thats here nor there. I gotta look at the immediate future. My girlfriend has given me till the end of January to move out. But, to be quite honest with you, its not the first time I have heard that from her. I also hear from her, a lot, how she wouldnt be able to finish school, if I wasnt here. I have made her time here in WV a lot easier. I dunno. A lot of mixed messages, but I need to not focus on my "love life" and focus on my real life. I tend to dwell in fantasy a lot, because I can be someone there. I can be the coolest guy, or the hottest guy, or the strongest guy. But in reality I am a weak scared little boy, in a mans body.
posted by The Dog at 10:52 AM
1 Comments:
When we are weak, He is strong. I am praying for you J-Pea. Someday you will find your passion and you will run toward it with prayer and the strength of the Lord. He wants to bless us with all we need to accomplish His will for us. What's His will? Well, we start by doing what we know is right in our daily lives. But only by His strength can we do those things. So we rely upon Him and press forward as He infuses us with His life. He is the vine and we are the branches.
First drink from the eternal spring of life and enjoy it! You are saved! Nothing could be better! Now Jesus Christ wants to live through you. Repent of your sins and ask Him to renew your heart and mind. Everyday.
Grace and Peace to you brother dog.
D-Pea
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