Explaining the Unexplainable.

So, Marla and I finally did the deed and ended our rocky relationship. We tried to hang on as long as possible, however, it just wasnt going to be. So now I sit here all broken hearted. Well, its not as devistating as I had feared in the begining.

Maybe its the fact I had seen this day coming for so long. Maybe its my ADD medication finally removing me from the fantasy world that I seem to long for. Regardless, the deed has been done. No matter what I feel or say, I do agree that in reality, it was the best thing to do. Her needs were not being met, and I finally saw that. Regardless of how much we love each other, her needs were not being met. Whether or not I felt that her needs were childish, selfish or anything else, they are her needs to need, not mine.

Am I ok with this, yes. We tried the "just dating" scene, but my heart went deeper than that, and she feels that she can not give me her heart totally, she wants other things that I can not give her, like a first child, or first marriage. But these are needs that she wants met. I cant change that. Just like the movie Bruce Almighty, free will. And, in all honesty, I would never change that. I want her to be happy, as I do love her.

Free will, thats a doozy there. But, I see the reality of it too. Why would God give us free will, when all He has to do is make us love HIM. I can really see why there is free will. Because if I made Marla stay with me, it wouldnt be real. I wouldnt want a shell of herself. I want the whole thing, not just her being there and being forced to love me. Its just not a real love. Its not genuine.

I do have a genuine love for the Lord. I choose to love Him. He chose to give me the chance to live my life and make my own decisions, not forced to do what He knows whats best for me. Granted, it would make my life a whole lot easier if He did make the decision for me, but then again, I dont think I would truly know the joy of His love. The moments when I feel that He is sitting next to me, smiling with me are moments that I wouldnt change for anything.

For a while there, I had been a little reluctant to pray. Why, I dont really know. Maybe in a little funk. I didnt feel Him, didnt feel the desire to really pray. But this morning, I forced myself to, because I did want to, but...Its wierd...Im sure you have been there. You want to pray, but finding it very difficult to put yourself in a position that you feel awkward being naked in front of the Lord. Yes, I have sinned. I believe that to be the major point of why I found it hard to pray. I was down on myself for it, and know that I will fall into temptation again. However, I am trying to fight the urge to just skip over praying, and Lord Willing, I will move on from this dip in the road and will be stronger.

Now, I sit here at work, contemplating on going home or eating, tomorrows lunch now, so that I dont have to deal with the drone of my parents. I can sit here, and continue to do some research for an article I am attempting to write. At one of the Webmagazines I am a member of, needed people to help with some articles, so I offered to help. My topic was the title of this blog, in regards to Bush's Social Security plan. And the research I have found, Lord help us all. I love Bush, dont get me wrong, but this Social Security plan does not look too strong. I will comment more on that later.
Im going to get something to eat, then play a bit of the demo, Neverwinter......Yeah, thats the ticket.