Im Tired.
Sometimes, I just get so tired of life. What does my life consist of? Well, essentially my life consists of me struggling to keep money in my bank, because I have the inate ability to make money disappear.
I make myself feel important because I spend most of my waking moments at work. Finding something to do at work. After hours, so I dont have to face the reality of the fact that I am 32 years old and living at his parents house.
I make myself appear more important to those around me, by claiming I have to go to work, which I usually need to, but the reason is only because I feel I have to go back to work to work on things, that eventually need to get done. But when I usually do come back to work, I find other things to do. Watching soccer games online is mostly what I do.
Ok, I digress, its not all I do. I have spent many a night here, busting my ass trying to resolve a problem, or spending hours researching a problem that I have encountered or for future endevours.
But, like the title says, Im tired. Im tired of dealing with everyone elses problems with me and who I am. Im tired of having my ex's (ex wife, ex girlfriend) try to drive my life. Im tired of having my ex's try to make me feel like a failure. Im tired of everything around me crumbling into the rubble like the tower of Babal.
I come into work this weekend, as I was off site on Friday, to set up a new users account. I get half the information that I need. I get no info on the extra software that they need installed on their computer. I came in, set up the account, gave the user the rights, then watched 2 games before I decided that it was time to go.....
So I get a phone call, from Marla (ex girlfriend), who proceeds to try to start an argument with me because I havent returned her 4 CD's. So I tell her Im at work and I will return them tonight. She proceeds to yell at me asking why I didnt do it over the weekend and that this is why Im single, because I never "get anything done".
Honestly, I dont care that Im single. Yes, there is a girl that I am attracted to, however I am not pushing anything. There seems to be an attraction, however, it seems as both of us are taking it sloooooow. However, I get done watching the game and decide to drop off the CD's so I can get that over with.
I get there, she proceeds to jump all over me about money that I owe her. Now, I had a car when I moved up to West Va with her, granted, I was unable to pay for it, so I returned it. Probably the biggest mistake I made. Now, I owe the car place like 11K and they want it now, to where I have $0K in my bank. Ok, so she was the one who said, "Get rid of the car and I will buy you a another one." So I did, bought a used car for $700. Damn thing was a lemon. So we returned it to the guy who sold it to me. We got another one. I had to come down to NOVA for court, the new one broke down. I finally get smart and moved to NOVA.
So, I get another car. 3 cars in less than 6 months. So now I owe her a whole bunch of money, to which she is riding me about. But I am also, in her eyes, a loser.
Now, if you want to get a guy, and cut him down like the Redwoods in California, you call him a loser. And you can guess it, it pissed me off to high heaven. Yes, it hurt, it cut me like a knife, but I know the truth. I am not a loser. I told Marla, that if she wanted to view me as a loser, go right ahead, because it effects me not. I have hit a lower point in my life, at the moment, I have been lower. Jesus is my rock, Jesus is my salvation. Jesus views me with love. Jesus views me with unyielding love.
It is difficult to love though life, with unchanging eyes, when you are in a situation like mine. I have my ex-wife always asking for more money. Always behind on something. Always behind on everything. Marla, doesnt view me paying my scheduled child support, nor paying other bills that I have, as benifiting her. She wants her money now. She will get her money when I send it to her. I will send her a check this weekend, just to show her that I am starting.
Yes, I am tired of all the crap that I have to deal with. Sometimes, my old self comes through and wants to go on a rampage, beating the crap out of anyone that gets in my way on my path of self destruction. However, deep within the scarred recesses of my heart, Christ sits there. Christ tends to my bruised ego, saying, "I am with you". Christ puts His arms around me and says, "Follow me" and I try.
I could sit here and fill myself with anger and hatered for Marla, or even Jeanette. But Im not. I have more important things to do. However, I do pray for both. That they will come to some sort of happiness in their lives. Maybe thats what they both hate more about me than anything. Is the fact that there is something in me that seperates me from the rest of the world. I know that my time here is temporary. I try to make the best of it while I am here.
Thank you Oh Heavely Father, for giving me this chance to see things in a different light. Thank you for helping me, keep from hating, but loving my enemies. I know this is something that is slowly changing in me. Father, I just ask that you continue to work in me, changing me to someone new, who can be strong in YOU.
Thank you Father, for being my Rock, when I need something strong to stand on. Thank you Father for being the shield to deflect Satans attacks on me and my bruised and weakend ego. Thank You Father, for being there for me, and promising me that YOU will never leave me.
Thank you for being YOU. In Jesus precious name,
Amen
I make myself feel important because I spend most of my waking moments at work. Finding something to do at work. After hours, so I dont have to face the reality of the fact that I am 32 years old and living at his parents house.
I make myself appear more important to those around me, by claiming I have to go to work, which I usually need to, but the reason is only because I feel I have to go back to work to work on things, that eventually need to get done. But when I usually do come back to work, I find other things to do. Watching soccer games online is mostly what I do.
Ok, I digress, its not all I do. I have spent many a night here, busting my ass trying to resolve a problem, or spending hours researching a problem that I have encountered or for future endevours.
But, like the title says, Im tired. Im tired of dealing with everyone elses problems with me and who I am. Im tired of having my ex's (ex wife, ex girlfriend) try to drive my life. Im tired of having my ex's try to make me feel like a failure. Im tired of everything around me crumbling into the rubble like the tower of Babal.
I come into work this weekend, as I was off site on Friday, to set up a new users account. I get half the information that I need. I get no info on the extra software that they need installed on their computer. I came in, set up the account, gave the user the rights, then watched 2 games before I decided that it was time to go.....
So I get a phone call, from Marla (ex girlfriend), who proceeds to try to start an argument with me because I havent returned her 4 CD's. So I tell her Im at work and I will return them tonight. She proceeds to yell at me asking why I didnt do it over the weekend and that this is why Im single, because I never "get anything done".
Honestly, I dont care that Im single. Yes, there is a girl that I am attracted to, however I am not pushing anything. There seems to be an attraction, however, it seems as both of us are taking it sloooooow. However, I get done watching the game and decide to drop off the CD's so I can get that over with.
I get there, she proceeds to jump all over me about money that I owe her. Now, I had a car when I moved up to West Va with her, granted, I was unable to pay for it, so I returned it. Probably the biggest mistake I made. Now, I owe the car place like 11K and they want it now, to where I have $0K in my bank. Ok, so she was the one who said, "Get rid of the car and I will buy you a another one." So I did, bought a used car for $700. Damn thing was a lemon. So we returned it to the guy who sold it to me. We got another one. I had to come down to NOVA for court, the new one broke down. I finally get smart and moved to NOVA.
So, I get another car. 3 cars in less than 6 months. So now I owe her a whole bunch of money, to which she is riding me about. But I am also, in her eyes, a loser.
Now, if you want to get a guy, and cut him down like the Redwoods in California, you call him a loser. And you can guess it, it pissed me off to high heaven. Yes, it hurt, it cut me like a knife, but I know the truth. I am not a loser. I told Marla, that if she wanted to view me as a loser, go right ahead, because it effects me not. I have hit a lower point in my life, at the moment, I have been lower. Jesus is my rock, Jesus is my salvation. Jesus views me with love. Jesus views me with unyielding love.
It is difficult to love though life, with unchanging eyes, when you are in a situation like mine. I have my ex-wife always asking for more money. Always behind on something. Always behind on everything. Marla, doesnt view me paying my scheduled child support, nor paying other bills that I have, as benifiting her. She wants her money now. She will get her money when I send it to her. I will send her a check this weekend, just to show her that I am starting.
Yes, I am tired of all the crap that I have to deal with. Sometimes, my old self comes through and wants to go on a rampage, beating the crap out of anyone that gets in my way on my path of self destruction. However, deep within the scarred recesses of my heart, Christ sits there. Christ tends to my bruised ego, saying, "I am with you". Christ puts His arms around me and says, "Follow me" and I try.
I could sit here and fill myself with anger and hatered for Marla, or even Jeanette. But Im not. I have more important things to do. However, I do pray for both. That they will come to some sort of happiness in their lives. Maybe thats what they both hate more about me than anything. Is the fact that there is something in me that seperates me from the rest of the world. I know that my time here is temporary. I try to make the best of it while I am here.
Thank you Oh Heavely Father, for giving me this chance to see things in a different light. Thank you for helping me, keep from hating, but loving my enemies. I know this is something that is slowly changing in me. Father, I just ask that you continue to work in me, changing me to someone new, who can be strong in YOU.
Thank you Father, for being my Rock, when I need something strong to stand on. Thank you Father for being the shield to deflect Satans attacks on me and my bruised and weakend ego. Thank You Father, for being there for me, and promising me that YOU will never leave me.
Thank you for being YOU. In Jesus precious name,
Amen
posted by The Dog at 11:57 AM
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