The Voice that has disappeared

Yes, I enjoyed the game. Chelsea, the champions of the English Premier League played DC United, the champions of Major League Soccer.

Now, why is that so special, you may ask. Well, I will tell you. For those that are soccer afficianados, like myself, England soccer is probably the best league in the world. And soccer is played in just about every nation on the earth.

There are some of the better known teams in the English league, like Liverpool and Arsenal and my favorite team in the EPL, Manchester United. Most people view the MLS as a weak league and not really worthy of air time. Some of my friends refuse to watch MLS because it is "sloppy" as they say. However, to play a team like Chelsea, is a big deal.

DC United lost 2-1, but am I upset? NO!!!

DC United looked good out there, against one of the best teams in the world. Granted they lost, but give the MLS a few years and they will be doing well against some of these other teams. The US National Soccer team is ranked number 6 in the world. Better than England, Spain and Portugal. These nations have been playing soccer for hundreds of years. The US has had 2 professional leagues. The North American Soccer League (NASL) which died out in the early 80's. Now MLS which has been around for about 10 years now.

Even though DC lost, they played well against Chelsea, and I am happy with how it went.

Now, I was screaming and cheering pretty much the whole game. I got a headache in the second half, because I was screaming so much, but I had a blast. I had on a home made T-Shirt that I started to make, but my limited artistic ability caused my friend Keegan to finish it up. I had a couple of comments about my shirt.

And, to top it off, the LA Galaxy, which is our cross country rivals, lost 2-0 to Real Madrid. Now, Real Madrid is the best team in Spain and is arguably the best team in the world. With the likes of David Beckham, Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Zudanie on the team, LA didnt do too bad, even though I read that it should have been 7-0 Real Madrid, but it wasnt. Also, Chicago Fire played AC Milan, which is also a power house in Italian soccer. They beat Chicago 3-1. So all in all, out of this series (I believe its called the World Series of Soccer) I think DC came out the better.

The MLS All-star team played against Fulham FC, which is another English Premier leage team, who has two american players on there, Brian McBride and Carlos Bocenegra. Unfortunately for Fulham, the MLS All-Star team was just too much for them. The end score was 4-1 to the MLS. However, Fulham is not the same calibur of team as is Chelsea. Last season, Fulham was ranked 13th in the league of about 18 teams in the league.

Well, at least I have a new DC United T-Shirt to wear to the next game I go to, which I hope to be bringing James along.

Until next time....

God Bless.

Clash of the Champions

I will be leaving these hallowed halls of my place of employement, today at 12. First time that I have actually left work early, for personal reasons. I am going to the DC United vs Chelsea soccer game, titled "Clash of the Champions.

One of my passions is soccer, I love watching it and playing it. However, I havent played in almost 2 years.

One thing, this is way off subject of the soccer game, but Parke said, in his comment to my last blog, that one of the reasons why he writes his blog, is to teach himself. To this comment I must say AMEN!!

I know that, for me at least, when I have a problem, I talk it out. God does impart wisdom to us, when we seek it. A lot of the times, I feel, that the answer is right there, but we need to see it ourselves.

By writing in this blog, it has helped me see certain things that I have gone through and seen some of Gods wisdom, that He has graciously given me. Honestly, it makes me feel as though I am "smarter" than I usually am. However, just knowing that God has chosen me, and has chosen me to empart certain pieces of wisdom, fills me with great joy.

I thank you, those few people that actually take time to read my babbling thoughts. Through you, God also emparts wisdom upon me. Sometimes, we take life and run with it and lose site of what really is important.

In the song "Oh Sister" by Bob Dylan, in the second verse it says:
Oh Sister, am I not a brother to you?
Is not our purpose the same on this earth?
To Love, and follow His direction.

Ultimately, Bob hits the nail on the head. Our calling, as Christians, is to Love your neighbor. (Not the couple that lives next door to you, but all, regardless of their lifestyle). And to follow His direction, which has been graciously given to us through the Bible.

Well, I guess thats all I have to say at this point, except for one thing.....

GO DC UNITED, beat Chelsea.......(My honest opinion, even though DC is 2-0 vs league teams from England, none have been to the calibur of Chelsea, so I think that DC will lose, but it will be valuable experience and who knows, maybe some of the DC players will move on to play in the EPL). I know Chelsea has already said that they have Freddy Adu in their sights.

Please pray for me and my friends, as we go to this mass hysteria and that we all return safely and that our encounters with Hooligans is peaceful.

God Bless to all my friends out there. Keep reading, keep commenting, and be brutally honest. I can take it. If you feel I'm full of dog feces, please let me know. Its a good way to learn, from other people who may be wiser, at the time about the subject, than me.

Until next time, Ciao!!

The Babbling Continues

You know, I was thinking about this, on my way home from my friends house.

What is my calling in this life? Everyone struggles with that question and some, I dont think, ever find the answer. I know I have struggled with that and I feel that my life is a complete mess.

It dawned on me tonight. It seems as thought God spoke to me. "What makes you happy?" Immediately James came to my mind. His smiling face, his giggling laugh echos through my head.

When I wake, my mind is drawn to what he is doing, what he might be feeling at the moment. It dawned on me. James is my purpose. Maybe it will change, I believe that God uses everything in our lives, to teach us. Right now, and it may be my only purpose in life, but I feel its to watch over James.

Never have I felt such a happiness and peace in my life. Never have I felt so sure....well, I was totally sure that it was Gods will for me and Marla to be together, so that wasnt right. I am happy, when he is around.

I think that a lot of people seek for a purpose in their lives. They look for a larger picture. Maybe, your purpose is to be a big brother. Maybe your purpose is to help your grandmother with her daily chores. Right now, I dont see a larger picture other than James. I think that maybe, God will use James, as He has already, to put me in another position in life.

Some look, for themselves, being used in such a large scale, that they miss the little people, the future, staring at them. Looking at them for their wisdom and direction. Thats what Im here for, to help the little man, James.

Not Called Common

This morning I was listening to a new CD that was sent to me my my friend Ezra. Its his band called Not Called Common, Every Prodigal's Anthem came on and I was mid prayer. I finished up my prayer and replayed this song. Here are the words that spoke to me.

How many times have I been silent,
When someone needed to know?
How many times has my tongue failed,
And I heard the rooster crow?
How many times can I leave You,
And You’ll still welcome me home,
Filthy and covered in my sin
And You’ll still call me Your own?

And He said, ‘Everytime, anytime, you are Mine’
Lord Divine, thank You
And for eternity, Lord, I will Thank You.

Wearing the ring and robe You gave me
I present myself to You
A trophy of Your grace
I will bow before You
Until the holes in Your feet
Are filled with my tears.

How many times have You seen me fail
Foolish enough to call temptation’s bluff?
How many times have You felt the pain of my sin
When once was more than enough?
How many times the prodigal?
How many times has the rooster crowed
How many times can I come to You, Lord,
And lay my need for Your mercy at Your throne?


How true those words rang in my ears......
He is truly an Awesome God that we have. I am humbled.

To all of the Not Called Common crew, You guys Rock! And thank you, for humbling me.

Dear James

As I drive away from daycare, you standing in the window, sadly waving bye to me, again, I am reminded of how much I love you.

I wish I could have the right words to say to you, so that you can understand how much I do love you. I know the reason why you do some of the things you do. I know why you refuse to go to bed on the nights when you know you will only see me for that night. Its because you want to spend as much time with me as possible.

I wish you could understand how much my heart breaks, when I leave you with your mother. Nothing against her but I know that you would never be viewed as a burden. You, in my eyes, do not give me any problems. You understand that when I say its time to get up, whether or not you want to, you get up.

I wish there was a way, to make all your pains just disappear. The doubts you have in your mind, to wash away like the sands on the shore. I have told you, time and time again, from the day of your birth, that no matter what happens, I will always love you. Nothing you can do, will cause me to love you any less.

I wish, for your sake, that you could understand that when I start talking, its not for my health. I hope for the day, that something that I say melds into your brain and will make the right choices. Like one of those cheezy, friday night sitcom specials where the dad was right all along. Chances are, that will never happen. If your anything like me, you will have to learn from your mistakes. I just pray that you will learn sooner than I.

I wish that you could know how much of a gift you are to me. Every moment I sit and hold you, in my arms, as you spaz about, gleefully, my heart is filled with joy. When I look at you, I am filled with joy of joys, knowing that from our Heavenly Father, He chose you to be with us, Jeanette and me.

Deep in my heart, although I can't forsee the future, I do feel that you and I will be spending a lot more time together. Maybe even to be raised by me. If that is what God wants me to do, you know I will be more than happy to fulfill His commandment.

Your mother has said that she eventually plans on moving back to Sweden, she even says it more than not, to frighten me into doing what she wants. The courts are to be watching over you, yet, that fear still remains. Im putting this out here, so that if this tragic event happens one day, at least you will know that though you are far away, you will always be in my heart, a part of my heart. And also know that I will always be proud of you, and tears will be shed, until that day you and I are reunited.

James, I love you with all my heart. I will never leave you. If I need to, I will find you.

Affecionately
Your Dad

Contemplations of a Dog

I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly its about myself and my life. I have come to realize that I have been focusing on the wrong things. I came back to NOVA to re-start my life and career. I have made strides in that, however I feel that my focus has not been correct. My focus has been on the hopes of hooking up.

There was this girl that I was attracted to, and there seemed to be an attraction back, however I think I waited too long to make any type of move to try and start something with her. Maybe it was because deep down inside, I wasnt sure if starting another relationship was the right move for me. So, I did something that I usually dont do. I prayed. I prayed for wisdom and whether or not this girl was something I should persue or if I should just leave it alone.

Well, I got my answer... That night, while hanging out with some friends, who are mutual friends of hers as well. They were talking about how she hooked up with some guy in California, when she was on her last business trip. Now, normally, I would not have been able to put the two and two together and realize that my answer was dancing right in front of my nose. Was I hurt to know that she had hooked up with someone? No, not really, which I take as, Im not ready for a relationship. Yes, I do want to find someone, and yes, it is nice to have that one person in your life, that your eager to talk to every day. Someone to turn to, when you are down or when you need that extra perk in life.

However, I ponder on the last 2 relationships that I have endured. One, my marriage to Jeanette. The other was the rocky road to West Va with Marla. Both relationships were difficult. Difficult for the marriage because I knew deep down that being married was not something I should have been, at the time. I wasnt ready, and I dont think she was either. Obviously, we ended in a divorce, so yeah, we were not ready.

Marla and I, well that was a rollercoaster from the start. However, even all the battles that we had, during the relationship, I came to realize, when I last talked to her, as she bombarded me with insults, that there really isnt anything there for her. I let her lead me away from James, my wonderful and precious gift, for what? Yes, I went out there, in love and hoping to have something with her. However, that was becoming quite apparent to me that nothing like that was going to pan out.

I also thought about how bad things had gotten between Jeanette and I, due to the fact that I was dating Marla, a girl who I had dated prior to Jeanette. A lot of hurtful things were said by both of us. I did apologize to her today, for being a little difficult at times. Yes, I still have my issues with how she is. She is horrible with money and is constantly looking for help, from me, to pay her bills. I have been helping her out, but I am going to slowly cut that back as well. I want more to my life than just paying all the money I get, to help her stay afloat. I want to buy my own house. I have lived here, with my parents, since the begining of February. I have saved not one dime. Thats not a good start, if I want to buy my own house.

Also, Jeanette had mentioned before, but brought up the issue again, about switching the visitation to one week on, one week off. Basically, one week he would be living with me, the next week, Jeanette. This is something that I have seriously considered, but then again, maybe I am being selfish here, but I am at an impass. My job, being a network administrator, causes me to have to work long hours and late. At this moment, I could be considered an employee for 2 different companies, working 3 jobs. My company is a consulting firm, who has contracts with the government.

As I have mentioned before, part of the contract is that my company needs to provide the government with a floater so that if one of the network admins at the site is out, I get to go in and fill in for them. Now, the people are cool and working for the government is not a bad gig. However, to further my career, I know that working at the headquarters of my company would be a lot more benifical. I would be able to learn a whole lot more, and would be able to improve my, already impressive, resume.

However, with this new "scenerio" that Jeanette has presented to me, and it seems to be more serious, has caused me to rethink my plans. Would it be better for me to take a consulting position with the government, and let my company find a new network admin, or would it be benificial for me to just stick with my company. Now the reason why I am questioning this is because if I went with the government, I would be home a lot faster than I normally would be. If I left my office, (headquarters) I would be home around 7:30ish, and would not be able to make it to pick up James from daycare. However, if I leave DC at 5, same time I leave headquarters, I would be home around 6:15, just in time to be able to pick up James. My dad has already stated that he could pick James up from daycare, however he wouldnt be able to drop him off at daycare every day.

Its not everyday that I can actually sit there, see the processing of my thoughts and realize that I am seeking HIS wisdom and desiring to do the right thing. But, thats where I am at. I dont know how many people read this, if any, for that matter. So, if anyone is out there, please pray for me.

Ultimately, I came to realize that I am an ass. I have been a major jerk and I hate it. My intentions were genuine when I moved to WV. I wanted Jeanette to learn that she can not rely on me all the time, however, no matter where I go, I believe she wont get that, until she finds another husband. Yet, I also want the best for James. I am slowly begining to feel that James living with his mother is not the best for him. I think he wants to be with me more, and I think he benifits more from being with me.

As for my focus. I have decided to officially take myself off the "meat market" so to speak. I feel that I need to get myself straight before I can make any attempts at starting a relationship with anyone. I have desires that I want to fulfill. Most of them are just selfish and man-child like. I want to have a better computer. I want to get a nice TV and a sweet dvd player. But ultimately, I do enjoy the fact that I dont have to answer to anyone but me and God. I just pray that I will continue to seek his wisdom and not follow my own wizdumb. When it comes to women, I am a fool. I jump in both feet first and not even think about whether or not I am doing the right thing. I guess I am becoming wiser, learning from my mistakes.

Thank you Father, for helping me, for saving me from myself. You are amazing.