Contemplations of a Dog
I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly its about myself and my life. I have come to realize that I have been focusing on the wrong things. I came back to NOVA to re-start my life and career. I have made strides in that, however I feel that my focus has not been correct. My focus has been on the hopes of hooking up.
There was this girl that I was attracted to, and there seemed to be an attraction back, however I think I waited too long to make any type of move to try and start something with her. Maybe it was because deep down inside, I wasnt sure if starting another relationship was the right move for me. So, I did something that I usually dont do. I prayed. I prayed for wisdom and whether or not this girl was something I should persue or if I should just leave it alone.
Well, I got my answer... That night, while hanging out with some friends, who are mutual friends of hers as well. They were talking about how she hooked up with some guy in California, when she was on her last business trip. Now, normally, I would not have been able to put the two and two together and realize that my answer was dancing right in front of my nose. Was I hurt to know that she had hooked up with someone? No, not really, which I take as, Im not ready for a relationship. Yes, I do want to find someone, and yes, it is nice to have that one person in your life, that your eager to talk to every day. Someone to turn to, when you are down or when you need that extra perk in life.
However, I ponder on the last 2 relationships that I have endured. One, my marriage to Jeanette. The other was the rocky road to West Va with Marla. Both relationships were difficult. Difficult for the marriage because I knew deep down that being married was not something I should have been, at the time. I wasnt ready, and I dont think she was either. Obviously, we ended in a divorce, so yeah, we were not ready.
Marla and I, well that was a rollercoaster from the start. However, even all the battles that we had, during the relationship, I came to realize, when I last talked to her, as she bombarded me with insults, that there really isnt anything there for her. I let her lead me away from James, my wonderful and precious gift, for what? Yes, I went out there, in love and hoping to have something with her. However, that was becoming quite apparent to me that nothing like that was going to pan out.
I also thought about how bad things had gotten between Jeanette and I, due to the fact that I was dating Marla, a girl who I had dated prior to Jeanette. A lot of hurtful things were said by both of us. I did apologize to her today, for being a little difficult at times. Yes, I still have my issues with how she is. She is horrible with money and is constantly looking for help, from me, to pay her bills. I have been helping her out, but I am going to slowly cut that back as well. I want more to my life than just paying all the money I get, to help her stay afloat. I want to buy my own house. I have lived here, with my parents, since the begining of February. I have saved not one dime. Thats not a good start, if I want to buy my own house.
Also, Jeanette had mentioned before, but brought up the issue again, about switching the visitation to one week on, one week off. Basically, one week he would be living with me, the next week, Jeanette. This is something that I have seriously considered, but then again, maybe I am being selfish here, but I am at an impass. My job, being a network administrator, causes me to have to work long hours and late. At this moment, I could be considered an employee for 2 different companies, working 3 jobs. My company is a consulting firm, who has contracts with the government.
As I have mentioned before, part of the contract is that my company needs to provide the government with a floater so that if one of the network admins at the site is out, I get to go in and fill in for them. Now, the people are cool and working for the government is not a bad gig. However, to further my career, I know that working at the headquarters of my company would be a lot more benifical. I would be able to learn a whole lot more, and would be able to improve my, already impressive, resume.
However, with this new "scenerio" that Jeanette has presented to me, and it seems to be more serious, has caused me to rethink my plans. Would it be better for me to take a consulting position with the government, and let my company find a new network admin, or would it be benificial for me to just stick with my company. Now the reason why I am questioning this is because if I went with the government, I would be home a lot faster than I normally would be. If I left my office, (headquarters) I would be home around 7:30ish, and would not be able to make it to pick up James from daycare. However, if I leave DC at 5, same time I leave headquarters, I would be home around 6:15, just in time to be able to pick up James. My dad has already stated that he could pick James up from daycare, however he wouldnt be able to drop him off at daycare every day.
Its not everyday that I can actually sit there, see the processing of my thoughts and realize that I am seeking HIS wisdom and desiring to do the right thing. But, thats where I am at. I dont know how many people read this, if any, for that matter. So, if anyone is out there, please pray for me.
Ultimately, I came to realize that I am an ass. I have been a major jerk and I hate it. My intentions were genuine when I moved to WV. I wanted Jeanette to learn that she can not rely on me all the time, however, no matter where I go, I believe she wont get that, until she finds another husband. Yet, I also want the best for James. I am slowly begining to feel that James living with his mother is not the best for him. I think he wants to be with me more, and I think he benifits more from being with me.
As for my focus. I have decided to officially take myself off the "meat market" so to speak. I feel that I need to get myself straight before I can make any attempts at starting a relationship with anyone. I have desires that I want to fulfill. Most of them are just selfish and man-child like. I want to have a better computer. I want to get a nice TV and a sweet dvd player. But ultimately, I do enjoy the fact that I dont have to answer to anyone but me and God. I just pray that I will continue to seek his wisdom and not follow my own wizdumb. When it comes to women, I am a fool. I jump in both feet first and not even think about whether or not I am doing the right thing. I guess I am becoming wiser, learning from my mistakes.
Thank you Father, for helping me, for saving me from myself. You are amazing.
There was this girl that I was attracted to, and there seemed to be an attraction back, however I think I waited too long to make any type of move to try and start something with her. Maybe it was because deep down inside, I wasnt sure if starting another relationship was the right move for me. So, I did something that I usually dont do. I prayed. I prayed for wisdom and whether or not this girl was something I should persue or if I should just leave it alone.
Well, I got my answer... That night, while hanging out with some friends, who are mutual friends of hers as well. They were talking about how she hooked up with some guy in California, when she was on her last business trip. Now, normally, I would not have been able to put the two and two together and realize that my answer was dancing right in front of my nose. Was I hurt to know that she had hooked up with someone? No, not really, which I take as, Im not ready for a relationship. Yes, I do want to find someone, and yes, it is nice to have that one person in your life, that your eager to talk to every day. Someone to turn to, when you are down or when you need that extra perk in life.
However, I ponder on the last 2 relationships that I have endured. One, my marriage to Jeanette. The other was the rocky road to West Va with Marla. Both relationships were difficult. Difficult for the marriage because I knew deep down that being married was not something I should have been, at the time. I wasnt ready, and I dont think she was either. Obviously, we ended in a divorce, so yeah, we were not ready.
Marla and I, well that was a rollercoaster from the start. However, even all the battles that we had, during the relationship, I came to realize, when I last talked to her, as she bombarded me with insults, that there really isnt anything there for her. I let her lead me away from James, my wonderful and precious gift, for what? Yes, I went out there, in love and hoping to have something with her. However, that was becoming quite apparent to me that nothing like that was going to pan out.
I also thought about how bad things had gotten between Jeanette and I, due to the fact that I was dating Marla, a girl who I had dated prior to Jeanette. A lot of hurtful things were said by both of us. I did apologize to her today, for being a little difficult at times. Yes, I still have my issues with how she is. She is horrible with money and is constantly looking for help, from me, to pay her bills. I have been helping her out, but I am going to slowly cut that back as well. I want more to my life than just paying all the money I get, to help her stay afloat. I want to buy my own house. I have lived here, with my parents, since the begining of February. I have saved not one dime. Thats not a good start, if I want to buy my own house.
Also, Jeanette had mentioned before, but brought up the issue again, about switching the visitation to one week on, one week off. Basically, one week he would be living with me, the next week, Jeanette. This is something that I have seriously considered, but then again, maybe I am being selfish here, but I am at an impass. My job, being a network administrator, causes me to have to work long hours and late. At this moment, I could be considered an employee for 2 different companies, working 3 jobs. My company is a consulting firm, who has contracts with the government.
As I have mentioned before, part of the contract is that my company needs to provide the government with a floater so that if one of the network admins at the site is out, I get to go in and fill in for them. Now, the people are cool and working for the government is not a bad gig. However, to further my career, I know that working at the headquarters of my company would be a lot more benifical. I would be able to learn a whole lot more, and would be able to improve my, already impressive, resume.
However, with this new "scenerio" that Jeanette has presented to me, and it seems to be more serious, has caused me to rethink my plans. Would it be better for me to take a consulting position with the government, and let my company find a new network admin, or would it be benificial for me to just stick with my company. Now the reason why I am questioning this is because if I went with the government, I would be home a lot faster than I normally would be. If I left my office, (headquarters) I would be home around 7:30ish, and would not be able to make it to pick up James from daycare. However, if I leave DC at 5, same time I leave headquarters, I would be home around 6:15, just in time to be able to pick up James. My dad has already stated that he could pick James up from daycare, however he wouldnt be able to drop him off at daycare every day.
Its not everyday that I can actually sit there, see the processing of my thoughts and realize that I am seeking HIS wisdom and desiring to do the right thing. But, thats where I am at. I dont know how many people read this, if any, for that matter. So, if anyone is out there, please pray for me.
Ultimately, I came to realize that I am an ass. I have been a major jerk and I hate it. My intentions were genuine when I moved to WV. I wanted Jeanette to learn that she can not rely on me all the time, however, no matter where I go, I believe she wont get that, until she finds another husband. Yet, I also want the best for James. I am slowly begining to feel that James living with his mother is not the best for him. I think he wants to be with me more, and I think he benifits more from being with me.
As for my focus. I have decided to officially take myself off the "meat market" so to speak. I feel that I need to get myself straight before I can make any attempts at starting a relationship with anyone. I have desires that I want to fulfill. Most of them are just selfish and man-child like. I want to have a better computer. I want to get a nice TV and a sweet dvd player. But ultimately, I do enjoy the fact that I dont have to answer to anyone but me and God. I just pray that I will continue to seek his wisdom and not follow my own wizdumb. When it comes to women, I am a fool. I jump in both feet first and not even think about whether or not I am doing the right thing. I guess I am becoming wiser, learning from my mistakes.
Thank you Father, for helping me, for saving me from myself. You are amazing.
posted by The Dog at 11:51 PM
1 Comments:
Happened along your site today and prayed. I can't imagine what your life is like, but I sympathize with the desire to me a mature man who seeks out relationships that will be both enjoyable and honoring to God.
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