Dear James

As I drive away from daycare, you standing in the window, sadly waving bye to me, again, I am reminded of how much I love you.

I wish I could have the right words to say to you, so that you can understand how much I do love you. I know the reason why you do some of the things you do. I know why you refuse to go to bed on the nights when you know you will only see me for that night. Its because you want to spend as much time with me as possible.

I wish you could understand how much my heart breaks, when I leave you with your mother. Nothing against her but I know that you would never be viewed as a burden. You, in my eyes, do not give me any problems. You understand that when I say its time to get up, whether or not you want to, you get up.

I wish there was a way, to make all your pains just disappear. The doubts you have in your mind, to wash away like the sands on the shore. I have told you, time and time again, from the day of your birth, that no matter what happens, I will always love you. Nothing you can do, will cause me to love you any less.

I wish, for your sake, that you could understand that when I start talking, its not for my health. I hope for the day, that something that I say melds into your brain and will make the right choices. Like one of those cheezy, friday night sitcom specials where the dad was right all along. Chances are, that will never happen. If your anything like me, you will have to learn from your mistakes. I just pray that you will learn sooner than I.

I wish that you could know how much of a gift you are to me. Every moment I sit and hold you, in my arms, as you spaz about, gleefully, my heart is filled with joy. When I look at you, I am filled with joy of joys, knowing that from our Heavenly Father, He chose you to be with us, Jeanette and me.

Deep in my heart, although I can't forsee the future, I do feel that you and I will be spending a lot more time together. Maybe even to be raised by me. If that is what God wants me to do, you know I will be more than happy to fulfill His commandment.

Your mother has said that she eventually plans on moving back to Sweden, she even says it more than not, to frighten me into doing what she wants. The courts are to be watching over you, yet, that fear still remains. Im putting this out here, so that if this tragic event happens one day, at least you will know that though you are far away, you will always be in my heart, a part of my heart. And also know that I will always be proud of you, and tears will be shed, until that day you and I are reunited.

James, I love you with all my heart. I will never leave you. If I need to, I will find you.

Affecionately
Your Dad