As I sit in my car, staring at the reddish orange glow from my Marlboro light cigarette, I am finally at a point of calm, to really let my mind release the convoluted and over-sensationalized thoughts and actions of the day.
The radio on low and the A/C blasting, I sit in the greenish hue of darkness, letting the blood that, moments ago, was at the boiling point, to slowly settle down I started pondering on why I was there. About 10 minutes prior, I had been emphatically trying to get my father to understand why I was against changing my visitation again. As of quite recent, Jeanette had decided that she would like for the visitation to change from every other weekend to every other week. I was more than happy with that. Granted, I have to get up earlier every morning, and usually run a little late for work, but ultimately, to have James in my life, I feel that its worth it.
Yet, the times are changing and James is getting older, so its soon time, for him to join the ranks of the kindergartners. Jeanette has found a little school near where she lives. She likes it a lot because "it reminds her of her school when she was little". Not that I have anything against the small school, or schools in Sweden, it did, however, send off alarms in my head. Then it happens, the email is received. "I am getting the paper work for this school, it’s a small school, so we will have to change the visitation, because the biweekly would be too hard". I told her that I do enjoy James and would be willing to drive, to which I think caught her by surprise.
What got me so mad was, as I am telling my dad that I still want the visitation, he got a little upset, because I would be driving almost 100 extra miles a day, and he usually picks up James from daycare and he wouldn’t be able to drive that far. Yet, he goes out there and helps her fix things in her house, so she can get her security deposit back. He said that I should change my visitation. As this all replays in my mind, I replay it a little bit more as the thoughts of when I was in WV how he bent over backwards for her. I slowly come to the realization of how really messed up this whole situation is, and must be for James. When I was in WV, he came over to my parent’s house about 2 days a week. When I come back, that stopped immediately. All through out his life, the 4 long years, his life has been full of change. Not one moment has he felt the warming comfort of stability. This is one thing that I learned from Marla, of what a child needs. I start pondering on what I could write for an article and I realize that what I’m doing, in trying my damndest to keep him in my life, biweekly, isn’t about the fact that the CS would become nothing. If there was a huge change, like him not coming here every other week, would really devastate him, I believe.
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe his is a lot more resilient than I think, and maybe he wouldn’t really notice, however, when I am on the phone with him and he starts crying because he cant stay with me, leads me to believe that he wants to be with me more than with her. As I go to apologize to my dad, for my communication skills are lacking and I get a little animated when I get frustrated and I get frustrated because, sometimes, I don’t feel that people get what I am saying. As him and me are talking, slowly a resolution forms into my head. Thank you Father!! As he asks more questions to understand better, it becomes clearer and clearer. Something that would, in my opinion, satisfy all. See, she lives about 45 minutes away. We usually meet at his daycare, which is about half way. The kindergarten school she wants to take him to is where she lives, well, close to it anyways, about 45 minutes away. That would be hell on me and my car, to do that 45 min down, 45 back up to get to work. I would be willing to sacrifice that much, but my dad would also have to do it, to pick up James at daycare, which would be changing to closer to her as well.
My proposal is to put him in Fairfax County public school kindergarten and then move him to a daycare close, and within the boarders. So, essentially it’s closer to me. However, I would be willing to drive to his daycare now, which is about half way from where she lives to where I live, and pick him up, on her weeks. That way she can continue to have her life, that she so needs, as she was the one who asked to change it to weekly, and not feel screwed. I will get to continue to have my son biweekly and not feel screwed. I think its fair, but will she? I highly doubt it. But, God was able to change the heart of the Pharaoh of Egypt, who says Jeanette is any stronger or better than the Pharaoh?
