Uhhh

I dont really know how to title this... so I just said Uhhh....

Today was an up and down day for me. I have "acquired" certain things in regards to whether or not Jeanette was really going back to Sweden to move. And, it had taken me a better part of a day to translate all that I had.

As I was driving home, I had spoken to my mom about all the information I had gathered and what I was reading into it. I got off the phone with my mom and I had been pondering on what I had found and what I thought the possiblities of her really moving to Sweden or not. So, as I was driving, my mind was grinding. Crunching what I had read, analysing the data, replaying events in my mind and really, just driving myself insane with it all.

Then my mind really started working overtime. I started to think that "Maybe the plan is for Him to show me how much He loves me that He gave His only begotten son....I was going to have to do the same thing". That really started to freak me out. I started feeling as though this was completely helpless and that I was doomed to lose my one and only son......

As the tears streamed down my face, I was praying feverantly asking Him to not take James, and that I couldnt take it if he left. Blah blah blah.....Tears streaming down my face like the Nile river, finally a voice popped into my head.

"Calm down, smoke a cigarette, your going to drive yourself crazy over this."

Immediately there was peace in the stormy seas. Immediately, it was as though the storm stopped, the ocean was calm and the sun came out. The birds chirping etc....

Then I heard "Now, stop. Stop "researching" your going to continue to drive yourself crazy. They will be back."

And, to be completely honest with you, I felt it. The calming presence, the reality that He is with me, He will bring James back.

I know that this is a moment of clarity, for me, I just hope that I will be able to remain in this state. I also have to say. For those that dont believe that God talks to people, I do. As I have said, I cant for sure say that it was me really saying these words (within my head), this is true, but when these words echoed throughout my mind, I was in a state of chaos. I know I would not really be able to clearly set my mind to stop the chaos as quickly as it stopped. Instantaniously the chaos departed, and these words entered my mind.

As I thought about it, after, I thought to myself "God would never tell me to smoke a cigarette." However, a good parent would relax on the "rules" (so to speak) if their child was in a state of hysteria or upset and at the moment, unconsolable.

As I said, as I was driving up the hill in my neighborhood, "Its so easy to give advice, but so hard to follow it." I remember telling a friend of mine, when she was having boy troubles, that she needed to move her focus away from her boyfriend and more onto God. As I was trying to figure out how to get my mind away from my situation and keep myself from "researching", it dawned on me. Spend more time focusing on the good things in life, like the Good News and Him, instead of focusing on things that will not happen.

A heavy Heart.

Well, I wanted to start off with this. My ex-wife just found out that her step-dad has run off with a girl about her age and her mom and step-dad are getting a divorce. She called me on Sunday and asked if I could take James to school this morning. I would like to ask those that read my blog, please pray for her. She was really emotional when I spoke to her on Sunday.

Also, a person from my past, seems to have invaded my mind again. She is a girl I used to date, when I was a senior in High School. She was my first love. I have had dreams about her, vivid dreams about her. One of those dreams went like this.

(This is the first one) There is a circle of people getting ready to play soccer. There are a few people there and I walk up to the circle and ask if I can play. One of the guys say, "Can you play?" and out of no where I hear this voice that says "Oh, yes, He knows how to play, he's quite good." I turn around and there she is. end of dream.

Second dream I had was (that I remember) Im in a classroom, sitting in our desks. I look up, and she is sitting right across from me. I start to freak out a little bit. (I was thinking she hated me because of the way we broke up) So anyways, she writes a note and passes it all the way around the room (the chairs were set up like in a semi-circle and she was directly across from me.) As the not arrives to my desk, I notice that its for me, and it has an address on it.

The third dream, its some type of camping event and I am sitting by all the fire wood, just hanging out. All of a sudden, she shows up and we talk for a bit. Out of the blue, she says (in the dream, mind you) "I still love you".

Talk about waking up going "What the Hell?" So, I start thinking that deep in my heart, I am seeking some type of closure, or maybe I was dreaming about her because my life was so much less complicated when I was dating her.

I was madly in love with her, however we had to seperate. Her step-dad (at the time) was running some type of scam and doing some shady business, so her mom and her decided to take off. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. As she drives her little red honda hatchback down the exit, her strawberry blond hair waving in the breeze. She waves bye to me, as we had planned on me moving down to where she was at, TX.

We continued to date during this time. I had started going to the local community college. I had met this girl and driven by lust, I ended up breaking up with her.

So, I thought I wanted closure. I had worked with a friend of hers, who went to the same school as she did, but graduated before I started going there. SO Im working with one of her friends and she showed me a picture of Lisa. She was as beautiful as I remembered her, not a thing had changed about her. I also knew that she had gotten married and from what I heard, Lisa's husband didnt like the thought of her and I meeting up again. Lisa had come into town for her friends wedding, and I had mentioned that I would like to meet up with Lisa. But I respected her husbands wishes and didnt press it.

Then those three dreams popped up. So, I found her via "Classmates". I sent her an email, not expecting a response, but I got one.

"Holy Unexpected responses Batman!!" We sent about 3 emails. THe last email I had sent was me saying Im sorry for the way I ended things with her. She never responded. Honestly, I felt better about it, I figured that was what I needed, to apologize to her for being an ass.

Well, I woke up yesterday morning, her still penetrating my mind, but this time it wasnt as harsh. Yes, she is still on my mind, I think she will always be. However, I also know that the likely hood of us running into each other is slim to none, and I am cool with that and accept that.

As I was driving into work this morning, something dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe, this was one of the times where God was laying her upon my heart (as was all those other times) to pray for her. So, I prayed for her, probably about 3 times this morning, on my way to work, a half hour drive.

I really dont know what is going on, but it seems as though she has been laid upon my heart, so I am praying for her. I wish to ask you to pray for her as well.
Thanks

I gotta admit...

Im nervous about Jeanette leaving with James. Yes, I was at peace with it, however, Satan has been working overtime on me. Entering into my mind are images of me on the phone, tears streaming down my face, which would be red with rage as spittle coats the mouth piece of the reciever screaming epitaths of hatered at Jeanette for taking him away from me.

So, this is where, I guess, one of my weaknesses are. Trusting in Him. Well, I do trust in Him, I just dont trust her.

How can one deal with the reality that there is a possiblity of her leaving with him and not coming back?

I know that God gave us free will. I also know that God changed the heart of the Pharoe in Egypt, when Moses "freed his people". However, I know that Jeanette is one who is a "spur of the moment" type person and she may very well end up saying, once she is in Sweden, that she isnt coming back.

Its hard. Its really really hard. I dont know, I mean, in some ways, I feel as though maybe this could be a "lesson" for me, not to jump into a marriage, with someone you dont know and get her pregnant..... But, honestly, that is a lesson I have already learned.

I really dont know, so many thoughts run through my head. Some good some bad. Maybe God see's my love for James as unhealthy. I mean, I do love my son to death and would do anything for him, but maybe He see's it differently, like how Abraham was like with Issac. Maybe this is my "sacrifice" of my son.

Maybe I am worrying about all this for nothing, maybe her going back is just a test for me to trust Him. I dont know.... I just really dont know........

I want to believe that she will be coming back, but she has told me time and time agian that she "plans" on moving back. My parents have drilled that seed into the back of my mind about her leaving and now, I am sorta freaking out. Im not trippin as bad as I have done in the past, however, it still crashes through my thoughts like a bull in a china shop.

Ultimately, I think, I need to try to keep my mind off of that fear, of her leaving and not come back, and live for today. Enjoy this day and enjoy the people that are in my life.

Anyways, sorry to bring you down. Also, please dont feel sorry for me as this is all my doing. I just pray that He will continue to bless me and give me strength and wisdom....

A sigh of relief, I think.

Well, I spent the weekend, not mulling over the fact that my son told me that he was going to Sweden for his mothers birthday, and the fact that I had spoke to her a few times and she said nothing about it.

When I dropped him off, that was when she told me. She said that she was going to go to for her birthday but she didnt have a definate date. She said she would be there for 2 to 3 weeks. I specifically asked her if she was coming back and she said yes. She also added that if/when she moved to Sweden, it would be on the level, through the courts.

Right now, I am at peace with it, however I had a nice dose of parental "advice". A continuation of their belief that she will not come back. And they proceeded to go into graphic detail of how it could be done. My mom even told me what she would do.

That being said, I did tell them that really, there is not a whole lot that can be done. I have to trust her that she is going to come back. I have to have faith that He is in control of this situation. I have to have faith that His will is in line with mine in the fact that I want to be there as a father to James.

And, I do have faith. I know that what ever happens He will be there to hold me. I truly believe, however, that if she does call, when in Sweden and says "Im not coming back" that the courts would be able to do something. Maybe I am being nieve, but I have to believe in justice. I have to believe that He wants me to be James's father and not someone else.

If I dont, I will end up going certifiably insane. (Not really certifiably but you know....) So, yeah.

So, it is a sigh of relief, sort of....

The Dreaded news...

Last night James says that he is going to be in Sweden for his mothers birthday, which is in March.

This is the news that we (my mom n dad and I) have known was coming but never wanted to hear. It has finally come to fruitition.....

After he told me this, she called. Now, initially my reaction was to sit there and destroy her verbally, yet I did not. I wanted to give her the benifit of the doubt and let her tell me. She hasnt. I know what I need to do and will be doing it on Tuesday, however, this news still eats at my stomach like a virus.

Now, she may be planning on going to Sweden for just a vacation to visit her family, which is fine. However, the greatest fear that I have is this. She goes to Sweden and I allow James to go. Next thing you know, she calls me and says "I have decided that we are going to stay in Sweden". Or, she will decide that I need to send her money (even though she has money hidden away in Sweden).

He is a part of me, a part of my heart and personality. Although, before I had him, I didnt want a child. It wasnt because I didnt -want- a child, it was more along the lines of -me not being capable of being a father. I look at him and see how much I have learned and in complete honesty, he has taught me the true meaning of love. I would do anything for him. I have bent over backwards to make things a little easier for Jeanette because it would directly relate to James.

I dont know if this was the right thing to do, but I told James my fear. I really dont think that he realized what it meant by him going to sweden with his mother. I think it dawned on him. He told me that he wanted to stay with me. In his eyes, she holds all the power and he has to do what she says. Pridefully, it hurts me as it has always been the man that holds the power. Yet, I am the one who truly holds the power.

I told him, also, that he shouldnt worry about anything, that no matter what happens, I love him. And that I am going to do whatever I can to make sure that the best for him has been reached. I love this little guy with all my heart and want whats best for him. I believe in the truth and I believe that the honorable will come through victorious. I believe that rightous will win. Is my intentions rightious for James or are they selfish desires? Is my intentions to control Jeanette or are they to ensure that James remains safe and comfortable and stable?

I believe that my intentions are honorable and centered around James. I may be wrong, but I believe this to be true. So, I will reamin faithful to Him and know that He is ultimately in control and that this horrible situation will be a scene that glorifies Him, even if, and I hate to say this but, this situation does not turn out the way I want it to.

Good Morning DC Metro Area!!!

I was going to start this post as a play on word to a song, but since I am mentally tired, I decided against it. I got woken up this morning, to a phone call from the x. I chose to ignore it because I knew that it was going to be something about how James is sick or something. She immediately called the house. My dad answered.

In walks my dad to inform me that she had called and he told me that she said that James has a spider bite. Somewhere in there the word Brown Recluse was thrown in there. As we all know, if you dont check it out, Brown Recluse is one of the most poisonous and deadly spiders in the US. Them and Black Widow. She said he didnt want to put any weight on his foot and that there were red lines moving away from spot. She said that she didnt see any puncture wounds (after I called her).

Ok, now I am pretty tired right now, but really, think about it.

If your child gets bit by what you think is one of the most poisonous spiders in America would you call someone who lives at least 45 minutes away to come pick up the child and take them to the Drs? Now, by my thinking, I would say no. I will say, in her defence, she is from Sweden and probably does not know, but I believe my dad said she was the one who said "Brown Recluse". If you know the name of a spider, then you probably know about the spider as well.

I am trying to take a better approach at how to deal with her. I know, that if I turned to her and said something like that, she would get angry and defensive and would proceed to throw into my face the fact that 1. I left him behind when I went to WV, 2. she is a struggling single mother, 3. She has no money since she lost her job, yet yesterday she tells me of a possible part time gig babysitting a friends kid getting paid under the table, 4. Her car needs work and that she doesnt feel confident in driving it. Knowing her, there would be more venom thrown in my face like an angry monkey flinging its feces.

Yet, I am trying to deal with her compasionatly. I am trying to empathise with her situation and trying to understand that she does not have family around here. However, its hard. Its extremely hard to look at her with the same eyes that Jesus looks at me. In her eyes, she feels that all the moves she has done, was to benifit James. Example, when she pulled him out of Leesburg Elementary and put him into Aldie Elementary (le and ae respectively shortened). She told me that it would be for his benifit because, and I quote, "I cant afford to drive to LE two times a day". As much as I try, its hard to comprehend why a person has to have the oil changed every other week when she is asked to meet either me or my dad in Leesburg, to ease the hassle of driving to Aldie.

For those that are out there and that read my blog, I thank you and would like to ask a favor. Please pray for me. Part of me feels that I am not following what Jesus would do. I think Jesus would stand up for what was right, and by me just accepting the way things are going now and not trying to make things right, is not what He would do. Another part of me feels that I am following Jesus as I am trying to show her compassion.

My dad has told me that she has told him that the x plans on going to Sweden to visit her parents and so my son can see his grandparents and great grandparents etc. I dont know if this is true or not, but I am concerned with this. Also, I know that if I "make things difficult for her" then she might just go for a "visit" and compeletly forget to come back. I am completely serious when I say this. I know that having both parents around the child is the best for the child of a divorce. I mean that. Forget the fact that I have major issues with her as a person and how I feel that she is raising him. I dont know how she is, but I have a feeling that when he gets home from school he is put in front of the TV or the Sony Play Station 2. Every time I call, around 1-3ish, he is usually playing a game and cant talk or watchign a movie and cant talk. Occasionally the x will take him to her friends farm and he can play there, while she does her thing, but yeah....

So, I ask that, if you can remember, please pray for me.

Father,
I ask that You help me to open my eyes and heart to whats going on in this situation. I need Your help. I know that if I use my wisdom, I am going to take this situation and cause so much chaos and strife that it will end up in a bad way. I dont want that and I know thats not what You would have planned for any of us that are involved. Please help teach me about patience and trust, Father. Teach me how to trust You.
I pray this in Jesus name,
Amen

Dick Clark

You know, I didnt watch the ball drop on TV like the masses do, on New Years. I was at a friends house, on their deck doing KegStands.......No, not really... :) I was out on the deck, with a few friends, popping in the new years. My friend had these poppers that shot out confetti and stuff to which James had a blast with. At first, the loud popping scared him a little but he enjoyed it. And Schwienson you rock dude!!! He let James pop the rest of them, after he gave them out to everyone at the party, so James got to pop about 15 of them or so..

Anyways, last night, I was on the road and listening to the Don and Mike Show on the local radio station and they played the tapes of Dick Clarks performace on New Years. Now, to them, its a huge joke, but for me, I was overwhelmed with sadness. Mike, of the show, said it best, that hearing Dick Clark, was a bummer.

Dick Clark showed a lot of strength and determination to do the show after suffering from a stroke. I had an aunt who suffered a stroke, many many years ago. She had her sister take care of her and I lost touch with her. Well, I never really was in touch with her to begin with, but thats beside the point. I remember, I was maybe 6 years old and we were getting breakfast with my uncle and parents. My Aunt, who was late 40's early 50's (Im guessing) kept repeating that she was getting cereal.

The effects of a stroke are astounding and that image of this older lady (who had the typical hairstyle from the 50's, old and grumpy lady) acting like a child. Excited to get cereal to which she could not pronounce properly.

It really broke my heat listening to Dick talking. His formerly clear and consise speach was replaced by what I could best describe as Dick Clark wasted. Unfortunately they didnt play the whole thing, just bits and pieces. (Or should I say Fortunately) I know that Don is a real jerk on the radio but "behind the scenes he is a different person" and he has lost his wife this past year, however, I would have expected a different reaction from him on this.

I think that Dick showed poise and strenght, as I said before, but, I also thought he showed some class as well. He did talk about his stroke a little bit and explained that he has had to learn how to walk and talk again.

And as Buzz said (the newsman on teh Don and Mike show) the eternal Teen who hasnt aged in 50 years, aged 50 years on one year.

Im Razr Sharp

Here is my new toy

Now, how did I get this $399.99 phone? I sure as hell would not pay $399.99 for a phone, let alone $50 for a cell phone... Radio Shack has a promotion going, at the moment, for a Razr Black phone, new line for $29.99. My friend and his wife have the family plan, from Cingular. They added me to the line for only $9.99 a month. So, we spent an hour and a half getting all this set up, and next thing you know, I am with a cell phone.

I am giddy as a little school girl at the moment, because I now, can take pix of my son whenever I want and not worry about it.....tis a wonderful day!!!

This is a very happy christmas, belated.... (as planned)