I gotta admit...

Im nervous about Jeanette leaving with James. Yes, I was at peace with it, however, Satan has been working overtime on me. Entering into my mind are images of me on the phone, tears streaming down my face, which would be red with rage as spittle coats the mouth piece of the reciever screaming epitaths of hatered at Jeanette for taking him away from me.

So, this is where, I guess, one of my weaknesses are. Trusting in Him. Well, I do trust in Him, I just dont trust her.

How can one deal with the reality that there is a possiblity of her leaving with him and not coming back?

I know that God gave us free will. I also know that God changed the heart of the Pharoe in Egypt, when Moses "freed his people". However, I know that Jeanette is one who is a "spur of the moment" type person and she may very well end up saying, once she is in Sweden, that she isnt coming back.

Its hard. Its really really hard. I dont know, I mean, in some ways, I feel as though maybe this could be a "lesson" for me, not to jump into a marriage, with someone you dont know and get her pregnant..... But, honestly, that is a lesson I have already learned.

I really dont know, so many thoughts run through my head. Some good some bad. Maybe God see's my love for James as unhealthy. I mean, I do love my son to death and would do anything for him, but maybe He see's it differently, like how Abraham was like with Issac. Maybe this is my "sacrifice" of my son.

Maybe I am worrying about all this for nothing, maybe her going back is just a test for me to trust Him. I dont know.... I just really dont know........

I want to believe that she will be coming back, but she has told me time and time agian that she "plans" on moving back. My parents have drilled that seed into the back of my mind about her leaving and now, I am sorta freaking out. Im not trippin as bad as I have done in the past, however, it still crashes through my thoughts like a bull in a china shop.

Ultimately, I think, I need to try to keep my mind off of that fear, of her leaving and not come back, and live for today. Enjoy this day and enjoy the people that are in my life.

Anyways, sorry to bring you down. Also, please dont feel sorry for me as this is all my doing. I just pray that He will continue to bless me and give me strength and wisdom....