I gotta say..........

God is awesome and wonderful and true to His word.

I got a call this morning, from James. He wanted to talk to me and tell me a secret. I asked him what the secret was and he said "Whisha whisha whisha"; a game that him and I play.

I know that I have said before that I couldnt wait til this whole thing was over so I could start singing His praises, but really, I shouldnt have said that. I am singing His praises every day.

If it wasnt for Him, I would be sitting here, brooding over the fact that James is in Sweden. We all know what my greatest fear is. But, thats all it is, a fear. A fear that I will not realize, because He has said, "They will be back".

Many times, I have had an assurance of something and once that peace filled me, I lingered upon the fringes of temptation. This time, those temptations to drown my sorrow with our good friend Alcohol, have not been there. I havent even thought of drowning any sorrow, as those sorrows have not been there. Yes, I have missed him, I still do. Hell, honestly, I miss him every week that he is not around me. But, I know that I will see him.

I am bursting with His joy and excitement right now. And only for the fact that He has shown me, and told me, that I am one of His. I used to brood over how much of a sinner I am, how much of an idiot that doesnt deserve all that I have, yet He continues to show me, how I am an idiot for thinking these things.

Although, along this journy of life, I have seen the truths about who I am, and I will tell ya, its a scary thing. Ask God to show you, you. It will open an eye or two. It did me. But, knowledge is key. By seeing my shortcomings, I have been able to work on them. Just over a year ago, I had just moved back from WV and let me tell ya, I was a lost and confused individual.

Now, dont get me wrong, I know that I do not have "it", the answer to life or anything like that. I am comfortable in my position at the moment. I feel safe, resting in His hands. But I know that soon, I will have to venture out into the cold dark world, maybe get me a girlfriend. Will I have the same strength that I have now? Even if I get me a "christian" girlfriend, will I have the strength to withstand the temptations that I know will be thrown at me?

Maybe I should be like Paul, remain single for the rest of my life and just keep my focus upon James. But, I also think that the men that enter into his life, through his mother, will not show him what a man is supposed to be like. Am I the person that would be able to show James, what a man is supposed to be? Only time will tell.....

I would like to say, thanks, to those that have kept me in their prayers. You know who you are....You all are in my prayers also.

Life is good, and no matter how in the dumps I get, I just pray that I will realize that God is sitting right next to me, waiting for me to turn to Him, instead of my devices.

(had written something earlier, but didnt post...so this is completely different, much more jovial.... :) )

Three days and counting

Till my little one comes home. He called me this morning, just to play on the phone. That seems to be one of his favorite activities, getting on the phone and "tell me a secret" with is "whisha whisha whisha". I pretend he is actually telling me a secret and reply with "whisha whisha whisha". Its great fun. And, I am honored that he calls me to play that game. As I was speaking to him, this morning, I asked him if he liked Sweden. He said no, "Its yucky" LOL

Honestly, this morning's interaction with James, made me realize how blessed I truly am. I dont deserve all that I have. I dont deserve James. Yet, I have been blessed by our Father.

And, He has been faithful. Resonating throughout my head is the words "They will be back" and not once have I doubted that. Even when I recieve those doubtful looks of my friends, when I tell them that James is in Sweden. I tell them that I am at peace with it, on a couple of occasions, I have had that look of "Ok, but I think your an idiot"

They wont understand. They wont want to understand, the faith that I have in our Holy Father. Granting me, a murderer, such a wonderful and beautiful gift such as James. I am truly humbled by Him. I am thankful as well. Thankful that He has blessed me and has granted me His peace and wisdom.

My heart aches for those that doubt Him. My heart aches for those that deny Him. I have said before, that I couldnt wait to sing my praises of Him for His faithfulness. There is no waiting, He is continusly faithful to me, and I continuously sing His praises. He is the reason why I am who I am, where I am and where I shall go.

Yes, I cant wait for my son to get home. Yes, I cant wait to see his little form running to me, as his mother struggles with all the bags, and his little voice yelling "Daddddddyyyyyyyyy" into my open arms. However, I also know that He is the reason for that and I will always be thankful. I am thankful for the little bits of revealed wisdom, through my friends. I am thankful for my friends who are strong enough to reveal their tidbits of wisdom.

He is Holy and Faithful, and will be that way, til the end of days. And for that I am Thankful to Him!

Have you spoken to your son?

Its amazing how a simple question can completely demolish the strength that one man had been holding onto.

That was the question that a girl, here at work, asked me. Internally, the butterflies started and my strength weakend. The fears repeated their lies within my head. Honestly, I felt sick. The fears rotated through my mind, telling me that she was not coming back, that I would never see James again.

The answer to the question was no. I called him this morning at 5am (they are 5 hrs ahead) and no answer. This morning, I was fine with it, went back to bed. Woke up and went along with my daily business.

But, that one question, in email, caused my whole internal fortitude to crumble. Immediately my mind went to checking her emails again, and I will admit, I did.

After a little bit of my mental anguish, I started thinking of the story of Peter, walking on the water, during the storm. Immediately it struck me how stupid I am. Well, maybe not stupid, but weak.

God does not change. He has told me that they will be back. Just as Peter asked Jesus, "If thats you Lord, tell me to walk on the water." It was, but the moment Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and focused his attention on the storm, he sunk.

"Oh Ye of little Faith"

Father, I am sorry, truly and deeply sorry for taking my focus off of you and onto the storm in my life. Thank you for your grace and strength and wisdom, that you have granted me. You are my rock, you are my strength, you are my wisdom. If it were not for you, I would be nothing. I wait for the day, March 31, 2006, when James and his mother return, so that I can have proof of your power, grace, wisdom. I know that you are true to your word. Its for those that dont believe that I wait for. Those that gave me the wierd look when I said that they would be back, even though Jeanette has shown how unreliable she can be. As unreliable as she is, you are that much more reliable.

I thank you, for giving me a chance to repent, for giving me the love that I dont deserve. Thank you for giving me your saving grace. I am not worthy, a man, a physically strong man, yet that physical strength can not save me. You are the strength that holds me.

I am humbled by your wisdom. Jesus, I thank thee. In your precious name, Jesus, I pray, Amen

The time, it be flying by!!!

Well, it has been a long while since I last posted. I will admit, part of it has been due to the lack of desire, but the majority of it has been the fact that I have been busier than a bee in spring.

We are working on building a new network and migrating from the old infrastructure to the new infrastructure that I built. So thats why I havent been around. Not that anyone has missed this little stain on the internetwebtype thinggy.......:)

Well, on Wednsday, Jeanette and James will be flying to Sweden, from the 15th to the 31st. I will admit that I am quite nervous.

What about all that you said before, on how you were going to rely upon His strength, have you lost faith??

No, I havent and I am relying upon His strength. But, the humanistc side of me still wants to rear its ugly head and the thoughts keep whispering in my ears, "She will change her mind and you will never see him again"

BEGONE FROM ME SATAN!!!!!

I know that God does not Change, and I believe that it was Him, that told me that James will be back. I do, really I do.

I am weak. This is going to be a real strain for me, because I am afraid that I will resort to my old ways of drowning my sorrow in a bottle of whiskey. So, for you that are out there, please pray for me, for strength and wisdom.

I do not plan on falling into my old ways. I plan on standing Strong and I fully expect, when they get back here, to be jumping on this blog and write numerous glorious things. Singing His praises and glory. To which I do now.....