Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to....

Yes, this is true. Today I have managed to keep myself in the gene pool for a total of 33 years.
Here is a story of how I had myself convinced that I was getting canned on Monday :)

Here's the scenerio.....
The company I work for, SID, has a contract with a governmental agency, NOAA. Well, as part of the contract SID has with NOAA, NOAA needs a floater for when they are short staffed.

One of the guys at NOAA (who works for SID, but on site at NOAA) left and found a new job. So, since I have been at SID since Feb 2005, I have been out at NOAA a lot. And, I was working on building a new network. But, its very difficult to build the network when Im not here at HQ....

So, I had quite a bit of pent up frustration building within me. There was this chick, Brenda, that I had been talking with. I had vented my frustrations to her, via emails, and well, apparently some of the people saw this. So, I felt that was a big strike against me, as there has been a "bad" perception of me. (I think people are scared of me...LOL)

Anyways, Monday, we had a new network admin start. And, it was the first day back after a long stint in NOAA - DC site. Me and the new guy was supposed to meet with the Project Manager on this new network. But, it got delayed as Ajay (owner of the company) Sadhna (co-owner of company and Ajay's wife) Ruth (my supervisor) and Russ (PM of network) had a closed door meeting.

So, the meeting breaks, Im doing some work for Ajay and I got, what I precieved as the stink eye, from Ruth. I was pretty much convinced that at the end of the day I was going to be out of a job....

So we met, Ajay, Sadhna, Ruth, Russ and the new guy (plus me of course) and we went over the "administrative stuff". It was stated by Sadhna (she is the voice, Ajay doesnt say much) that the new guy and I are equal. However, he will be focusing on the network project. I will be focusing on "operations". Meaning, I get screwed outta the network project, pretty much. That pissed me off. That was my thing that I had been wanting to do. However, I kept my cool, didnt say much about it, just nodded.

Then Sadhna turns to me and reveals to me that I will be chosen to continue the floater support. To which I replyed that I had expected that and was cool with it.

Now, as much as I had wanted to do the network project, I came to realize that to run an effective business, why are you going to have the new guy trying to learn the messed up network while the guy who already knows how everything works is building the new network? Why would you have a new guy have to learn the way things go at NOAA when you have a perfectly good person who has been there plenty of times, still around.

So, I have had a better attitude about my job. I have prayed and prayed on whether or not I should seek another job and have gotten silence. One thing I have come to learn is that if I recieve silence, when praying fevorantly, then that usually means, "Stay Put". So thats what Im trying to do. :)

Frustrations abound....

Well, it seems to me as though my time has come to start looking for a new job. I am tired of being a "floater". I have a network to build, but.....Im never there to build it. My company only see's me as money. Money money money, thats all I am to them. They make a good deal of money when I am "floating".

I have about 2 more weeks, on Monday, til I get to "come home" to headquarters. But, on the 22nd, a new Network Administrator will be starting at headquarters, so that doesnt really make me feel safe there anyways. So, I have started to update my resume, but....when I did, I thought I saved it and when I went to find it, it was not there.

I need to, first, pray about this. Im just so frustrated with the company that I am not happy. I have been doing bad on my "floating" duties as well. I have been ariving late to the site. Today, I had a discussion with the lead government leision and he wasnt happy about me arriving late. So, I have to do better.

Waking up in the morning is very difficult for me, these days. However, I feel that in some ways, my lackluster attitude is also due to my ADD and I have not been taking my meds. Fear of becoming addicted to the drugs has caused me to stop taking them, but I have decided to start again. Hopefully I will be able to rectify this situation.

Lately, I have just been having a strong desire to remove myself from the Network Administrator relm and find a new career, but I know if I do that, I will end up losing a lot of money and at 32, I dont think I can afford to lose that money.

That being said, I am in the process of moving out of my parents house and living with my friend Mario, whom I have known for about 15 years. I used to live with him before, and admitedly, we had a history of lots of drug and alcohol abuse. However, both of us are a lot older and our lives are much different so there is no drug abuse nor alcohol abuse. Well, the past 2 weeks we have been drinking a lot.

I think that the desire to drink so much is a result of my frustration with my job situation. I found, on a website, that my current salary does not meet my current title nor my job. Im not driven by money, but I do wish to make more money. I dunno, Im just rambling here.......

Anyways....Prayers would be welcomed, as they are always welcomed.

God Bless and have a great day!