The drama continues.......

Well, I wanted to start off by explaining something. My last post, I dont think I got my whole point across completely.

Yes, these things I desire, to find a beautiful woman and what not. I want to have that well paying job. I have been in the computer field for 10 yrs now, and a network admin for 5 or 6 years. However, I am not making the money that I should be making.

But thats not the point. These desires are selfish desires that doesnt mean I should get them. Just because I want them, doesnt mean I should get them. Who am I to expect these things? I can desire them all I want, but its up to Him to grant these desires. And to be honest, I think that I am right where He wants me to be.

Which leads me to the drama.

My ex is planning on going on a cruise. Thats fine. However, she had asked if I could take James while she went on this cruise. Now, I would love to, however, she lives about 45 minutes away from where I live and well, I wouldnt be there to pick him up from school until about 7:30. My parents are the ones usually the ones that pick him up since they know that I wont get home till kind of late and it makes it easier on both her and me. Well, two times that my ex had found a decent time for the cruise, my parents were also on a planned trip.

So, she found another cruise around halloween. When she asked my parents if they would be able to pick him up, my dad said no. Every day driving close to an hour out of the way, for a 68 yr old man, can be a bit much.

Now, my dad has gone well beyond the means of helping my ex out, all for James. He has done a lot for her and she just doesnt really get it.

Well, anyways, she sends me an email saying that the only way she can make this cruise is if I stay at her house and I could do my thing, and I told her that I couldnt do it and that I also disagreed with her taking my son out of school so she can go on vacation......So, in response to that email, she sends me this long diatribe on how she hates it here and that she has only me and my parents to rely on. If she was back home she could rely on her family. So then she proceeds to tell me that she is seriously contemplating on moving back to Sweden next year.

Now, Im not freaking out as I feel quite confident that He will not allow it. I am a huge part of James's life. I call all the time and I pick him up every weekend. I never want to go a weekend without him.

She is also planning on taking him out of school and "pay the full ticket" because she has no other option. Never mind the option of not going.

So, thats my story and Im sticking to it...... :)

Random Randomness

It's been a while since I have posted. I guess one reason is because I have moved out of my parents house and away from a regular keyboard, all I have is a laptop. And another, apathy. I just havent been feeling "it". Anything, really. My roomate bought a new car. I mercedes..... Holy Pooponastick!! A f-ing Mercedes.....

I realized, tonight, that I am in a rut.......A friend of mine asked me, whom I havent spoken to in a bit, How things were with me. My response was of how I felt, at the time, that everything was going well. And, in my mind, it was.

But tonight, after a few beer's within me, the realization was that I have been in a rut. I have been "content" with how things are. I realized that Im not happy......

My "unhappyness", I realized (reduntant, I know...) is rooted from my own pride.

Im 33 yrs old, divorced and with a child.

I havent had a date in a loong time. The last relationship with a female was with Marla. That ended over a year ago.

I think that most of this boils from the fact that Im quite "randy", or missing the comforts of a female...... But, really, the thing that gets me the most is if that opportunity were to present itself to me, I would back down. Its happened before and Im afraid that my insecurities would cause me to back down again.

Im not upset that I would "back down" because deep down, I know that 1.) Im not ready for that and 2.) I feel that, that is the path that God desires of all of us.

That doesn't eliminate the strong desires for said feelings. And in many ways, thats where my fear comes from. I guess, I feel that I will always be alone, sans the female "closeness". And when I say "these" my thoughts are not projected towards sex. Just to wake up next to someone is pleasure enough.

But, I realized that this was all revolved around myself. Me, myself and I.

Do I really deserve all these things that I desire? Honestly, no I dont. I am a murderer, a liar, a cheater, lustful, slothful, envious, drunkard, pick one. Im all of them and more... So, I ask myself, am I really deserving of a wonderful son? Deserving of a job that I got within 3 days of returning to the area? A home with a friend of 15 years who has opened his doors to me, after I have treated him like the stool matter that I leave in my toilet each morning?

(heh, sorry for the graphic expression....)

Do the birds worry if they will eat each day? Do the lillies of the field worry about what they will wear? No, they dont. God provides.

Yes, I need to get better at managing my money... I have a lot to work on, but God will provide. He provides what I NEED..... thats the key. Its not about me. I may not be able to manage having that female companionship that I seek as well as all the other stuff in my life.

I dunno, there are other fears, but I dont think Im going to get into it at this moment.

I thought this was longer than it really was...its kinda long, so I changed the title from apathy to random randomness, cuz it be random.....