Random Randomness
It's been a while since I have posted. I guess one reason is because I have moved out of my parents house and away from a regular keyboard, all I have is a laptop. And another, apathy. I just havent been feeling "it". Anything, really. My roomate bought a new car. I mercedes..... Holy Pooponastick!! A f-ing Mercedes.....
I realized, tonight, that I am in a rut.......A friend of mine asked me, whom I havent spoken to in a bit, How things were with me. My response was of how I felt, at the time, that everything was going well. And, in my mind, it was.
But tonight, after a few beer's within me, the realization was that I have been in a rut. I have been "content" with how things are. I realized that Im not happy......
My "unhappyness", I realized (reduntant, I know...) is rooted from my own pride.
Im 33 yrs old, divorced and with a child.
I havent had a date in a loong time. The last relationship with a female was with Marla. That ended over a year ago.
I think that most of this boils from the fact that Im quite "randy", or missing the comforts of a female...... But, really, the thing that gets me the most is if that opportunity were to present itself to me, I would back down. Its happened before and Im afraid that my insecurities would cause me to back down again.
Im not upset that I would "back down" because deep down, I know that 1.) Im not ready for that and 2.) I feel that, that is the path that God desires of all of us.
That doesn't eliminate the strong desires for said feelings. And in many ways, thats where my fear comes from. I guess, I feel that I will always be alone, sans the female "closeness". And when I say "these" my thoughts are not projected towards sex. Just to wake up next to someone is pleasure enough.
But, I realized that this was all revolved around myself. Me, myself and I.
Do I really deserve all these things that I desire? Honestly, no I dont. I am a murderer, a liar, a cheater, lustful, slothful, envious, drunkard, pick one. Im all of them and more... So, I ask myself, am I really deserving of a wonderful son? Deserving of a job that I got within 3 days of returning to the area? A home with a friend of 15 years who has opened his doors to me, after I have treated him like the stool matter that I leave in my toilet each morning?
(heh, sorry for the graphic expression....)
Do the birds worry if they will eat each day? Do the lillies of the field worry about what they will wear? No, they dont. God provides.
Yes, I need to get better at managing my money... I have a lot to work on, but God will provide. He provides what I NEED..... thats the key. Its not about me. I may not be able to manage having that female companionship that I seek as well as all the other stuff in my life.
I dunno, there are other fears, but I dont think Im going to get into it at this moment.
I thought this was longer than it really was...its kinda long, so I changed the title from apathy to random randomness, cuz it be random.....
I realized, tonight, that I am in a rut.......A friend of mine asked me, whom I havent spoken to in a bit, How things were with me. My response was of how I felt, at the time, that everything was going well. And, in my mind, it was.
But tonight, after a few beer's within me, the realization was that I have been in a rut. I have been "content" with how things are. I realized that Im not happy......
My "unhappyness", I realized (reduntant, I know...) is rooted from my own pride.
Im 33 yrs old, divorced and with a child.
I havent had a date in a loong time. The last relationship with a female was with Marla. That ended over a year ago.
I think that most of this boils from the fact that Im quite "randy", or missing the comforts of a female...... But, really, the thing that gets me the most is if that opportunity were to present itself to me, I would back down. Its happened before and Im afraid that my insecurities would cause me to back down again.
Im not upset that I would "back down" because deep down, I know that 1.) Im not ready for that and 2.) I feel that, that is the path that God desires of all of us.
That doesn't eliminate the strong desires for said feelings. And in many ways, thats where my fear comes from. I guess, I feel that I will always be alone, sans the female "closeness". And when I say "these" my thoughts are not projected towards sex. Just to wake up next to someone is pleasure enough.
But, I realized that this was all revolved around myself. Me, myself and I.
Do I really deserve all these things that I desire? Honestly, no I dont. I am a murderer, a liar, a cheater, lustful, slothful, envious, drunkard, pick one. Im all of them and more... So, I ask myself, am I really deserving of a wonderful son? Deserving of a job that I got within 3 days of returning to the area? A home with a friend of 15 years who has opened his doors to me, after I have treated him like the stool matter that I leave in my toilet each morning?
(heh, sorry for the graphic expression....)
Do the birds worry if they will eat each day? Do the lillies of the field worry about what they will wear? No, they dont. God provides.
Yes, I need to get better at managing my money... I have a lot to work on, but God will provide. He provides what I NEED..... thats the key. Its not about me. I may not be able to manage having that female companionship that I seek as well as all the other stuff in my life.
I dunno, there are other fears, but I dont think Im going to get into it at this moment.
I thought this was longer than it really was...its kinda long, so I changed the title from apathy to random randomness, cuz it be random.....
posted by The Dog at 2:33 AM
2 Comments:
hi doggy
don't be sad :(
You know what God desires of all of us? That we love Him, adore Him and look to Him first for all our needs. You want a hot broad? Ask God to hook you up. If He says, "No," then you won't hook up with a hot broad. This is how we know the will of God, by LOVING Him and thinking about Him all the time. We talk to Him and praise and thank Him for His creation all the time.
We are all undeserving, we all deserve the CROSS. God is all-powerful and saves us from ourselves. But the magnitude of having God as Father is not to be taken lightly. I thought I was suppose to love God because of His gifts to me, but I was wrong. I am suppose to love God for who HE IS.
So, who is He?
He is the cure for all lonliness and need...for starters. But you have to want to be cured...
d-pea
I care, dude. Keep on pursuing great moments of growth for your son and moments of deep love for God and others. You'll make it.
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