Loosing grip

Slowly, the weight of the world seems to laden my shoulder with more and more. The reality of my unemployment weighs more on my heart. The emptyness grows more and more.

Slowly, Im having troubles dealing with it. Sleep, for most, comes easy. These days, it hides around the corner, as each hour passes by. I try to hold onto my faith that God has me in His hands. As the days pass and my phone does not ring, my stomach full of butterflies, grows weak.

I try to hold my head high, especially when I have James, as to not have that fear filling his head. But, each day that passes, it grows harder and harder. I want a job. But that reality seems to slowly fade away. Slipping into obscurity is how I feel.

Waiting and waiting for the phone to ring with someone on the other end informing me that they want me to start, I continusouly desire. Slowly I grow weaker and weaker, desire growing into an obsession.

Slowly, I begin to slip into the depths of dispair, desiring more and more, drowning my self pitty into a case of Miller Light or a bottle of some good whiskey, Glenn Livet or something like that.

I know I cant, but slowly it grows on me.

I hate how I feel, I hate this feeling, feeling of nothingness. Feeling as if I am not worth anything. I am sorry, though, for my complaints and bad mouthing I had done. Even though I have an interview on Wednsday, I still feel as though I have nothing. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

*sigh*

Musings

It occured to me, this morning, that God had been trying to tell me something for the past couple of months. Looking back, it slowly formed into my thick skull.

I have no one to blame for my firing but my own pride and wagging tongue. In my frustrations, I lost site of who I am and what I am supposed to do and be. I lost sight as the clouds of pride filled my eyes, not allowing me to see what was happening. The soft whisperings of the great deciever filled my mind and began to fill my heart.

I am a better person than the angry and egotistical person I was being, at work. I had tried to take everything that was thrown at me in stride, but deep down in the bowels of my blackened heart, I was angry at what happened, how the new guy got the promotion when it was painfully obvious that he was clueless as to the duties of a Network Administrator.

My frustrations grew as I had been given a raw deal. I was supposed to be the man. I was supposed to be the master of that domain. I was supposed to be a god in that small little domain.

But, Im not. There is only one God and I tried to take what He had given me, what He had enabled me to do, and I walked all over it. I spit on it and wiped my muddy boots on His gift.

Through my pride, I lost sight to the fact that I am a follower of Christ and that my time is only temporary here. I had started to focus on more worldly things that I did of spiritual things.

Earlier this morning, I was listening to Charles Stanley this morning. He had spoken to my heart and opened my eyes to who I really am. All through out the time with my frustrations at work, I was focusing on how I (me, myself) was not getting what I deserved. I harbored resentment towards the new guy, and anger filled my heart. I continued to work hard, but the hurt and anger continued to fill me.

I am a servant. I am a Christian. I am only on this earth for a time. What will I see when I get to Heaven? The images of me showing my brethren love and encouragement or images of me verbally bashing a co-worker, tongue filled with venom? I'm sure there will be both, but I would say that the majority of the images would be of me filled with anger and resentment at the new guy.

As such, it has caused me great joy in the realization of this. Granted, it is something that Christ was trying to tap my shoulder, hoping to get my attention, to tell me that. I was too busy being angry to feel his gentle tap.

Once again, Ole dogboy took the wheel and ran myself smack dab into another ditch and have crawled back to my savior, seeking him to help me get the car back onto the road.

Waiting

I hate looking for a new job. Waiting for the phone calls, its feels like I'm waiting for the hot girl to give me a phone call. Waiting and wondering if she is going to call. Trying to keep my mind off of the phone call and when the phone finally rings, my heart skips a beat, a smile creeps upon my face, only to be disappointed that its not her, but a friend calling.

I know that God has me in His arms, holding me and trying to reassure me that its going to be ok, but when my mind begins to roam, its difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I had bitched and moaned about my previous job and to be honest, I wouldnt be surprised if that job had caused me certain health problems, like hight blood pressure etc.

But, it's worse to wake in the morning, wondering what I can do to pass the time. Waking and jumping on the internet to check my emails hoping and praying that there is that perfect job being offered to me. When I log on my heart sinks even deeper because there are no new emails. I can only surf the 'net for so long.

It is hard to maintain the faith that I will find a job soon. It is nerve wracking trying to figure out what to do with my "spare time". I must continue to strive on and continue to walk with my head up, no matter how hard it feels. I must continue to smile when my son comes running up to me, with his beaming smile crying out "Daddy". So happy to see me, he is. Its painful, but by the Grace of God, He has given me a career and I need to continue to remember that and that He will continue to provide for me, the needs that I have.

FIRED!!!!!!

This past friday, I get a call at 6:30pm from my supervisor (we shall call her witch) to inform me that "Its just not working out. The things that you have been working are not working." So, I get canned.

Apparently, the owner was on the verge of tears when he informed the company of this news. So, its all in the "new guy" (whom I will refer to as DA) hands. I was talking to a friend who works there and the explination why I was "let go" is because I was making unauthorized changes without informing anyone.

So, the best I can surmise is this. As those that have read my blogs in the past, I have been eager to upgrade the network and finally that chance came to me, and I took the chance running. We were putting into place a new firewall device. So, part of that is putting in new firewall rules. So, I went ahead and put in the firewall rules so that we could implement it, quickly.

As well, there is a web application that is on our network, that needs firewall rules. Due to an upgrade of this application, which is not an upgrade, its a new product, so I had to ensure the old version was still accessable (which it was) and add the new version to the firewall.

That is why I got fired. No, not really. It is because witch (which I should change the w to a b) does not like me because I am an intelligent and hard worker. I do not back down when someone tells me something that I know is not possible. She wants a "yes man".

DA is a yes man because he couldnt find his head from a hole in the wall.

Anyways, the interview went very well, in my eyes. I interviewed with two people. The first guy I interviewed with, threw some technical questions and we talked about stuff and he said to me that he was rooting for me, he hoped I got the job. Once we were done, we went downstairs cuz the second guy, the manager, was out to lunch. No problem.

Shortly after, he returns and we go back upstairs. He talks to me for less than ten minutes and asks when I can start. I tell him I need to give a 2 week notification, he, half jokingly asks, "Can you make it a week?" but then says "Thats your call" and that was that.

So, the recruiting company says to me that the would hopefully call me on that friday, or Monday at the latest. I hadnt heard from them, so on Monday I call. Apparently there was an emergency with the managers father (who I interviewed with) so I wont know until.....who knows.

That being said, I am quite pissed that I get canned and that jack ass gets to keep his job. But whatever, its not my problem anymore.