The ramblings of a Dog

Ever Faithful

2006-11-15T14:25:00.000-05:00

Finally, the dark fears and the heavy heart has passed by me, like the 18 wheeler truck barreling down I-95. Seeking solace in the book of Job, I have been graced by His pressence and His peace.

On Monday, I got a call from a recruiter telling me of a position that he wanted to submit my resume to. I said fine, fear creeping up my spine, slowly, as I had been on a few interviews and still no job. About an hour later he said that they wanted to see me the next day at 10:30am.

I went in for the interview and the guy pretty much told me that I had the job. He said that he wasnt going to look for anyone, anymore and that he was counting on me.

Granted the job is not exactly what I want, its a help desk position, while I have been seeking a Network/Systems Administrator position, however, it would be a lead position. I was told that I have the most experience on the team and that they are growing as well. So I would be a part of that.

So, ever faithful is He who I call my God. I am truly blessed to be a part of His family. I have also learned a few things during this "down time". I am a very prideful person. It has been humbling to be out of a job and have companies tell me that I didnt have enough experience. Ever present, I had Him whisper in my ear, that is not true, I do have enough experience, but I truly believe he had something else waiting for me.

I am eager to start and excited to take on this opportunity. I also realize that I will have to keep my goatee trimmed and not let it get out of control, the way I usually do. I will have to shave on a regular basis and essentially present myself in a more "professional" way.

Its going to be hard, as I have always viewed myself as a blue collared worker in a white collar world. I'd do fine working on a construction site, getting dirty and building things. But, this is the line of work that I have chosen and this is where I need ton continue.

Loosing grip

2006-10-23T19:22:00.000-04:00

Slowly, the weight of the world seems to laden my shoulder with more and more. The reality of my unemployment weighs more on my heart. The emptyness grows more and more.

Slowly, Im having troubles dealing with it. Sleep, for most, comes easy. These days, it hides around the corner, as each hour passes by. I try to hold onto my faith that God has me in His hands. As the days pass and my phone does not ring, my stomach full of butterflies, grows weak.

I try to hold my head high, especially when I have James, as to not have that fear filling his head. But, each day that passes, it grows harder and harder. I want a job. But that reality seems to slowly fade away. Slipping into obscurity is how I feel.

Waiting and waiting for the phone to ring with someone on the other end informing me that they want me to start, I continusouly desire. Slowly I grow weaker and weaker, desire growing into an obsession.

Slowly, I begin to slip into the depths of dispair, desiring more and more, drowning my self pitty into a case of Miller Light or a bottle of some good whiskey, Glenn Livet or something like that.

I know I cant, but slowly it grows on me.

I hate how I feel, I hate this feeling, feeling of nothingness. Feeling as if I am not worth anything. I am sorry, though, for my complaints and bad mouthing I had done. Even though I have an interview on Wednsday, I still feel as though I have nothing. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

*sigh*

Musings

2006-10-17T22:42:00.000-04:00

It occured to me, this morning, that God had been trying to tell me something for the past couple of months. Looking back, it slowly formed into my thick skull.

I have no one to blame for my firing but my own pride and wagging tongue. In my frustrations, I lost site of who I am and what I am supposed to do and be. I lost sight as the clouds of pride filled my eyes, not allowing me to see what was happening. The soft whisperings of the great deciever filled my mind and began to fill my heart.

I am a better person than the angry and egotistical person I was being, at work. I had tried to take everything that was thrown at me in stride, but deep down in the bowels of my blackened heart, I was angry at what happened, how the new guy got the promotion when it was painfully obvious that he was clueless as to the duties of a Network Administrator.

My frustrations grew as I had been given a raw deal. I was supposed to be the man. I was supposed to be the master of that domain. I was supposed to be a god in that small little domain.

But, Im not. There is only one God and I tried to take what He had given me, what He had enabled me to do, and I walked all over it. I spit on it and wiped my muddy boots on His gift.

Through my pride, I lost sight to the fact that I am a follower of Christ and that my time is only temporary here. I had started to focus on more worldly things that I did of spiritual things.

Earlier this morning, I was listening to Charles Stanley this morning. He had spoken to my heart and opened my eyes to who I really am. All through out the time with my frustrations at work, I was focusing on how I (me, myself) was not getting what I deserved. I harbored resentment towards the new guy, and anger filled my heart. I continued to work hard, but the hurt and anger continued to fill me.

I am a servant. I am a Christian. I am only on this earth for a time. What will I see when I get to Heaven? The images of me showing my brethren love and encouragement or images of me verbally bashing a co-worker, tongue filled with venom? I'm sure there will be both, but I would say that the majority of the images would be of me filled with anger and resentment at the new guy.

As such, it has caused me great joy in the realization of this. Granted, it is something that Christ was trying to tap my shoulder, hoping to get my attention, to tell me that. I was too busy being angry to feel his gentle tap.

Once again, Ole dogboy took the wheel and ran myself smack dab into another ditch and have crawled back to my savior, seeking him to help me get the car back onto the road.

Waiting

2006-10-12T12:54:00.000-04:00

I hate looking for a new job. Waiting for the phone calls, its feels like I'm waiting for the hot girl to give me a phone call. Waiting and wondering if she is going to call. Trying to keep my mind off of the phone call and when the phone finally rings, my heart skips a beat, a smile creeps upon my face, only to be disappointed that its not her, but a friend calling.

I know that God has me in His arms, holding me and trying to reassure me that its going to be ok, but when my mind begins to roam, its difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I had bitched and moaned about my previous job and to be honest, I wouldnt be surprised if that job had caused me certain health problems, like hight blood pressure etc.

But, it's worse to wake in the morning, wondering what I can do to pass the time. Waking and jumping on the internet to check my emails hoping and praying that there is that perfect job being offered to me. When I log on my heart sinks even deeper because there are no new emails. I can only surf the 'net for so long.

It is hard to maintain the faith that I will find a job soon. It is nerve wracking trying to figure out what to do with my "spare time". I must continue to strive on and continue to walk with my head up, no matter how hard it feels. I must continue to smile when my son comes running up to me, with his beaming smile crying out "Daddy". So happy to see me, he is. Its painful, but by the Grace of God, He has given me a career and I need to continue to remember that and that He will continue to provide for me, the needs that I have.

FIRED!!!!!!

2006-10-10T21:33:00.000-04:00

This past friday, I get a call at 6:30pm from my supervisor (we shall call her witch) to inform me that "Its just not working out. The things that you have been working are not working." So, I get canned.

Apparently, the owner was on the verge of tears when he informed the company of this news. So, its all in the "new guy" (whom I will refer to as DA) hands. I was talking to a friend who works there and the explination why I was "let go" is because I was making unauthorized changes without informing anyone.

So, the best I can surmise is this. As those that have read my blogs in the past, I have been eager to upgrade the network and finally that chance came to me, and I took the chance running. We were putting into place a new firewall device. So, part of that is putting in new firewall rules. So, I went ahead and put in the firewall rules so that we could implement it, quickly.

As well, there is a web application that is on our network, that needs firewall rules. Due to an upgrade of this application, which is not an upgrade, its a new product, so I had to ensure the old version was still accessable (which it was) and add the new version to the firewall.

That is why I got fired. No, not really. It is because witch (which I should change the w to a b) does not like me because I am an intelligent and hard worker. I do not back down when someone tells me something that I know is not possible. She wants a "yes man".

DA is a yes man because he couldnt find his head from a hole in the wall.

Anyways, the interview went very well, in my eyes. I interviewed with two people. The first guy I interviewed with, threw some technical questions and we talked about stuff and he said to me that he was rooting for me, he hoped I got the job. Once we were done, we went downstairs cuz the second guy, the manager, was out to lunch. No problem.

Shortly after, he returns and we go back upstairs. He talks to me for less than ten minutes and asks when I can start. I tell him I need to give a 2 week notification, he, half jokingly asks, "Can you make it a week?" but then says "Thats your call" and that was that.

So, the recruiting company says to me that the would hopefully call me on that friday, or Monday at the latest. I hadnt heard from them, so on Monday I call. Apparently there was an emergency with the managers father (who I interviewed with) so I wont know until.....who knows.

That being said, I am quite pissed that I get canned and that jack ass gets to keep his job. But whatever, its not my problem anymore.

Im still alive

2006-08-31T13:15:00.000-04:00

For those that come here and view this diatribe of random and rambling thoughts, yes, I am still alive. I havent posted much as I have been quite busy. A quick run down of whats going on in my life so far.

1. James started flag football and I have been getting him every wednsday through sunday, but school is starting soon so that will change back to every friday through sunday. He just had his first game.

2. We are in a pause with the network upgrade but I had my performance review and it was "based off of the 2 months of improvement" so I got a $.91 raise. The very next day, I find out that the new guy who hasnt really done much, is the "team lead".

Needless to say I have been looking for another job. I have had quite a few bites and 2 days ago I had an interview and then an impromptue phone interview. The phone interview went well, its a job that would pay me $20K more than Im making now, actually getting me to the national average of a network admin. I am all about that job. Doing what I do now, but with more pay and I would be working by myself..... :) I like that.

3. Struggling to keep a positive out look on my current employment situation.

When you feel that your not appreciated or you understand that your supervisor "tollerates" you as best they can but would rather you not be there, it makes your job quite dificult. However, Im struggling to get through it all.

I was telling a friend yesterday that to me, I have a sensation about me that Im almost done at this company. Im comfortable with it and I feel as though Im a short timer there.

Well, thats just a quick run down for me. I will try to post more later.

The drama continues.......

2006-07-11T22:19:00.000-04:00

Well, I wanted to start off by explaining something. My last post, I dont think I got my whole point across completely.

Yes, these things I desire, to find a beautiful woman and what not. I want to have that well paying job. I have been in the computer field for 10 yrs now, and a network admin for 5 or 6 years. However, I am not making the money that I should be making.

But thats not the point. These desires are selfish desires that doesnt mean I should get them. Just because I want them, doesnt mean I should get them. Who am I to expect these things? I can desire them all I want, but its up to Him to grant these desires. And to be honest, I think that I am right where He wants me to be.

Which leads me to the drama.

My ex is planning on going on a cruise. Thats fine. However, she had asked if I could take James while she went on this cruise. Now, I would love to, however, she lives about 45 minutes away from where I live and well, I wouldnt be there to pick him up from school until about 7:30. My parents are the ones usually the ones that pick him up since they know that I wont get home till kind of late and it makes it easier on both her and me. Well, two times that my ex had found a decent time for the cruise, my parents were also on a planned trip.

So, she found another cruise around halloween. When she asked my parents if they would be able to pick him up, my dad said no. Every day driving close to an hour out of the way, for a 68 yr old man, can be a bit much.

Now, my dad has gone well beyond the means of helping my ex out, all for James. He has done a lot for her and she just doesnt really get it.

Well, anyways, she sends me an email saying that the only way she can make this cruise is if I stay at her house and I could do my thing, and I told her that I couldnt do it and that I also disagreed with her taking my son out of school so she can go on vacation......So, in response to that email, she sends me this long diatribe on how she hates it here and that she has only me and my parents to rely on. If she was back home she could rely on her family. So then she proceeds to tell me that she is seriously contemplating on moving back to Sweden next year.

Now, Im not freaking out as I feel quite confident that He will not allow it. I am a huge part of James's life. I call all the time and I pick him up every weekend. I never want to go a weekend without him.

She is also planning on taking him out of school and "pay the full ticket" because she has no other option. Never mind the option of not going.

So, thats my story and Im sticking to it...... :)

Random Randomness

2006-07-04T02:33:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I have posted. I guess one reason is because I have moved out of my parents house and away from a regular keyboard, all I have is a laptop. And another, apathy. I just havent been feeling "it". Anything, really. My roomate bought a new car. I mercedes..... Holy Pooponastick!! A f-ing Mercedes.....

I realized, tonight, that I am in a rut.......A friend of mine asked me, whom I havent spoken to in a bit, How things were with me. My response was of how I felt, at the time, that everything was going well. And, in my mind, it was.

But tonight, after a few beer's within me, the realization was that I have been in a rut. I have been "content" with how things are. I realized that Im not happy......

My "unhappyness", I realized (reduntant, I know...) is rooted from my own pride.

Im 33 yrs old, divorced and with a child.

I havent had a date in a loong time. The last relationship with a female was with Marla. That ended over a year ago.

I think that most of this boils from the fact that Im quite "randy", or missing the comforts of a female...... But, really, the thing that gets me the most is if that opportunity were to present itself to me, I would back down. Its happened before and Im afraid that my insecurities would cause me to back down again.

Im not upset that I would "back down" because deep down, I know that 1.) Im not ready for that and 2.) I feel that, that is the path that God desires of all of us.

That doesn't eliminate the strong desires for said feelings. And in many ways, thats where my fear comes from. I guess, I feel that I will always be alone, sans the female "closeness". And when I say "these" my thoughts are not projected towards sex. Just to wake up next to someone is pleasure enough.

But, I realized that this was all revolved around myself. Me, myself and I.

Do I really deserve all these things that I desire? Honestly, no I dont. I am a murderer, a liar, a cheater, lustful, slothful, envious, drunkard, pick one. Im all of them and more... So, I ask myself, am I really deserving of a wonderful son? Deserving of a job that I got within 3 days of returning to the area? A home with a friend of 15 years who has opened his doors to me, after I have treated him like the stool matter that I leave in my toilet each morning?

(heh, sorry for the graphic expression....)

Do the birds worry if they will eat each day? Do the lillies of the field worry about what they will wear? No, they dont. God provides.

Yes, I need to get better at managing my money... I have a lot to work on, but God will provide. He provides what I NEED..... thats the key. Its not about me. I may not be able to manage having that female companionship that I seek as well as all the other stuff in my life.

I dunno, there are other fears, but I dont think Im going to get into it at this moment.

I thought this was longer than it really was...its kinda long, so I changed the title from apathy to random randomness, cuz it be random.....

So ashamed.....

2006-06-23T10:47:00.000-04:00

The US lost. The US did not show up for this world cup.....

This sucks!!!

I want to cry.

Soccer fanatic's thoughts on the US in the World Cup so far.

2006-06-20T15:32:00.000-04:00

Hello all, its been a while. Almost a whole month.

Really, not much has been happening. I have been working a lot and watching a lot of the World Cup. Went to a bar called Summers, on the US vs Czech game. Oddly enough, my friend and I got interviewed for a local channel. As such, during the misrable display by the US team, my friend recieved a text message stating that his friends saw him on ESPN. That was pretty cool, I guess.

After the thumping that the US team recieved, we stayed to watch the Ghana vs Italy game. I started a cheer for Ghana and this guy, an Italian supporter, jumped out of the booth that he was sitting in and proceeded to step forward yelling at me, how great the Italian team is. I honestly thought he was wanting to box. But, I just talked a bit o' trash back stating "We play you next, we shall see".

So, Italy beat Ghana. US got pummeled by Czech Republic. It was a sad state of affairs on that day. In celebration of the US playing in the World Cup, many beers were drunken between me and my 4 friends that went to Summers with me. All in all I had a good time, even though the US lost.

Now, in the first game, the US looked like and played like they did not want to be in the greatest tournament in all of professional sports. Well, not all played like that but most of the team. Claudio Renya played pretty good and when his shot bounced away from the goal, I had a feeling that the US was going to lose.

Bobby Convey had an ok game. He was not agressive enough. Mostly, once he got the ball, he would pass it back. Same with Beasley. I mean, come on, what is that?!? Both Convey and Beasley are known for their attacking skills and "running at players" with the ball, otherwise known as getting past the defender and crossing the ball in.

Convey did that twice and had one crappy cross and one good cross. It happens, so he should have done it more. None had their heads in the game. Keller looked like he wasnt there either.

Beasley had the audacity to say that he was doing his job. "I was defending". If he was defending, then he was doing a horrible job of it. So during the days after the game we have a little pissing contest between the coach, Bruce Arena and Beasley. Bruce said it best when he said "If he is a player and a man, he will understand that he didnt have a good game. If he doesnt then he wont be able to help in games 2 and 3."

So, after a lot of hype and nervous anticipation, finally June 17th came around, US vs Italy. With a lot of jawing and Eddie Johnson equating the World Cup to war, it caused the Italians show their true colors, yellow. And so kick-off came about.

That game was how the Americans have to play all their games. They came out stronger, more determined and had the Italians on their heels, when they were not rolling around on the field, screaming in pain at the horrendous tackle that never happened. There were too many fouls called on the US in the first half, compared to the Italians. 90% of the fouls called were the Italians acting. So anyways, we go down 2 men, Italians down one man. We still tied them. Hell, if McBride wasnt in the way, it would have been 2-1 US victory. Regardless, it was a victory in my eyes.

The boys played extremely well and with a lot of heart.

Now, on to Ghana. Personally, and I dont mean to take anything away from the Ghanain team, but I think the US can beat them. They are fast, yes, but I think if we play a solid defensive line, we should be able to beat them.

If we do beat Ghana and Italy beats the Czech's then the US moves on!!!!!

So, as much as I dislike the Italian's I gotta root for them vs the Czech's.

Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to....

2006-05-24T09:16:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is true. Today I have managed to keep myself in the gene pool for a total of 33 years.
Here is a story of how I had myself convinced that I was getting canned on Monday :)

Here's the scenerio.....
The company I work for, SID, has a contract with a governmental agency, NOAA. Well, as part of the contract SID has with NOAA, NOAA needs a floater for when they are short staffed.

One of the guys at NOAA (who works for SID, but on site at NOAA) left and found a new job. So, since I have been at SID since Feb 2005, I have been out at NOAA a lot. And, I was working on building a new network. But, its very difficult to build the network when Im not here at HQ....

So, I had quite a bit of pent up frustration building within me. There was this chick, Brenda, that I had been talking with. I had vented my frustrations to her, via emails, and well, apparently some of the people saw this. So, I felt that was a big strike against me, as there has been a "bad" perception of me. (I think people are scared of me...LOL)

Anyways, Monday, we had a new network admin start. And, it was the first day back after a long stint in NOAA - DC site. Me and the new guy was supposed to meet with the Project Manager on this new network. But, it got delayed as Ajay (owner of the company) Sadhna (co-owner of company and Ajay's wife) Ruth (my supervisor) and Russ (PM of network) had a closed door meeting.

So, the meeting breaks, Im doing some work for Ajay and I got, what I precieved as the stink eye, from Ruth. I was pretty much convinced that at the end of the day I was going to be out of a job....

So we met, Ajay, Sadhna, Ruth, Russ and the new guy (plus me of course) and we went over the "administrative stuff". It was stated by Sadhna (she is the voice, Ajay doesnt say much) that the new guy and I are equal. However, he will be focusing on the network project. I will be focusing on "operations". Meaning, I get screwed outta the network project, pretty much. That pissed me off. That was my thing that I had been wanting to do. However, I kept my cool, didnt say much about it, just nodded.

Then Sadhna turns to me and reveals to me that I will be chosen to continue the floater support. To which I replyed that I had expected that and was cool with it.

Now, as much as I had wanted to do the network project, I came to realize that to run an effective business, why are you going to have the new guy trying to learn the messed up network while the guy who already knows how everything works is building the new network? Why would you have a new guy have to learn the way things go at NOAA when you have a perfectly good person who has been there plenty of times, still around.

So, I have had a better attitude about my job. I have prayed and prayed on whether or not I should seek another job and have gotten silence. One thing I have come to learn is that if I recieve silence, when praying fevorantly, then that usually means, "Stay Put". So thats what Im trying to do. :)

Frustrations abound....

2006-05-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems to me as though my time has come to start looking for a new job. I am tired of being a "floater". I have a network to build, but.....Im never there to build it. My company only see's me as money. Money money money, thats all I am to them. They make a good deal of money when I am "floating".

I have about 2 more weeks, on Monday, til I get to "come home" to headquarters. But, on the 22nd, a new Network Administrator will be starting at headquarters, so that doesnt really make me feel safe there anyways. So, I have started to update my resume, but....when I did, I thought I saved it and when I went to find it, it was not there.

I need to, first, pray about this. Im just so frustrated with the company that I am not happy. I have been doing bad on my "floating" duties as well. I have been ariving late to the site. Today, I had a discussion with the lead government leision and he wasnt happy about me arriving late. So, I have to do better.

Waking up in the morning is very difficult for me, these days. However, I feel that in some ways, my lackluster attitude is also due to my ADD and I have not been taking my meds. Fear of becoming addicted to the drugs has caused me to stop taking them, but I have decided to start again. Hopefully I will be able to rectify this situation.

Lately, I have just been having a strong desire to remove myself from the Network Administrator relm and find a new career, but I know if I do that, I will end up losing a lot of money and at 32, I dont think I can afford to lose that money.

That being said, I am in the process of moving out of my parents house and living with my friend Mario, whom I have known for about 15 years. I used to live with him before, and admitedly, we had a history of lots of drug and alcohol abuse. However, both of us are a lot older and our lives are much different so there is no drug abuse nor alcohol abuse. Well, the past 2 weeks we have been drinking a lot.

I think that the desire to drink so much is a result of my frustration with my job situation. I found, on a website, that my current salary does not meet my current title nor my job. Im not driven by money, but I do wish to make more money. I dunno, Im just rambling here.......

Anyways....Prayers would be welcomed, as they are always welcomed.

God Bless and have a great day!

an update

2006-04-24T13:11:00.000-04:00

Nothing new to report....well, thats a lie.

After having my precieved parental rights stepped all over by my mother, I finally said enough is enough. So, I am in the process of moving out. Now, granted this friend of mine, I have known for over 15 years. And during these 15 years of our friendship, there have been some rocky times. And, like a dumbass, I have told my parents of these minor "failures" that befell my friend (MAQ he shall be refered to.)

Now, these failures have been in a drug nature and so my parents are not too keen on me moving in with this feller. Now, he is a little older than I, and I have sense left the drug world behind. Especially the powders that would fall upon our glass tables.....

Ok, seriously, he dont do drugs anymore. Granted we do tend to drink a lot together, but, we both are moving away from that as well. He only means the best for me yet my parents are not too happy of this move.

Been reading Brian McLarens "Generous Orthodoxy" and I have found it to be very enjoyable, heritical and scary all rolled up onto one. The scary part is because the heritical view is quickly dropped because I see what he is saying. Especially when reference to the bible.....Im at work, so I am unable to pull it out and write word for word what it says, but will give a general jist of the meaning, how I interpreted it.

Essentially he said that most people view the bible as an answer book. It has, in the past, given certain people the "reason" to support certain actions, say slavery. It was in the bible then its ok to support slavery. God was ok with slavery. Now, what McLaren has suggested is that yes, the bible is Gods word and it holds as much importance then as it does now. It still is the answer book, however, the thing is, it was written for that period of time. Paul was writing letters to Timothy and other brothers. It is a historical book, a narrative. Yes, whats in there is important, God Breathed. But, its not to be used to say that I hate x type of people because the bible said that they were enslaved, or whatever.

I also, now Im afraid that some of my 3 user (maybe I am completely wrong in this thought) may be a little at unease at this. I have picked up The Gospel of Judas. I just want to read it and see what it says. I have not made up my mind if this gospel is nothing more than a hoax, at this time. Maybe its real, but I dunno. I just wnat to read what it says. I think it would be an interesting read.....

So, thats about all I have....'Bama!!

an update

2006-04-24T11:55:00.001-04:00

an update

2006-04-24T11:55:00.000-04:00

Without a hitch

2006-04-03T13:13:00.000-04:00

Just as God said, they came home, without a hitch. Amazing is He who holds me. James came home, with his mother, and I am now sunburned.....

He was extremely happy to see me, but, unfortunately, he came back following his mothers tutalige (sp?) of demanding things and expecting to be waited upon hand and foot.

So, it will take some time for him to get back into the swing of things, of how he is supposed to ask for things instead of demaning it. But other than that, it was great fun.

Went fishing and I got burned.....Lost 3 lures and caught not a fish....Great day in general!

I gotta say..........

2006-03-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

God is awesome and wonderful and true to His word.

I got a call this morning, from James. He wanted to talk to me and tell me a secret. I asked him what the secret was and he said "Whisha whisha whisha"; a game that him and I play.

I know that I have said before that I couldnt wait til this whole thing was over so I could start singing His praises, but really, I shouldnt have said that. I am singing His praises every day.

If it wasnt for Him, I would be sitting here, brooding over the fact that James is in Sweden. We all know what my greatest fear is. But, thats all it is, a fear. A fear that I will not realize, because He has said, "They will be back".

Many times, I have had an assurance of something and once that peace filled me, I lingered upon the fringes of temptation. This time, those temptations to drown my sorrow with our good friend Alcohol, have not been there. I havent even thought of drowning any sorrow, as those sorrows have not been there. Yes, I have missed him, I still do. Hell, honestly, I miss him every week that he is not around me. But, I know that I will see him.

I am bursting with His joy and excitement right now. And only for the fact that He has shown me, and told me, that I am one of His. I used to brood over how much of a sinner I am, how much of an idiot that doesnt deserve all that I have, yet He continues to show me, how I am an idiot for thinking these things.

Although, along this journy of life, I have seen the truths about who I am, and I will tell ya, its a scary thing. Ask God to show you, you. It will open an eye or two. It did me. But, knowledge is key. By seeing my shortcomings, I have been able to work on them. Just over a year ago, I had just moved back from WV and let me tell ya, I was a lost and confused individual.

Now, dont get me wrong, I know that I do not have "it", the answer to life or anything like that. I am comfortable in my position at the moment. I feel safe, resting in His hands. But I know that soon, I will have to venture out into the cold dark world, maybe get me a girlfriend. Will I have the same strength that I have now? Even if I get me a "christian" girlfriend, will I have the strength to withstand the temptations that I know will be thrown at me?

Maybe I should be like Paul, remain single for the rest of my life and just keep my focus upon James. But, I also think that the men that enter into his life, through his mother, will not show him what a man is supposed to be like. Am I the person that would be able to show James, what a man is supposed to be? Only time will tell.....

I would like to say, thanks, to those that have kept me in their prayers. You know who you are....You all are in my prayers also.

Life is good, and no matter how in the dumps I get, I just pray that I will realize that God is sitting right next to me, waiting for me to turn to Him, instead of my devices.

(had written something earlier, but didnt post...so this is completely different, much more jovial.... :) )

Three days and counting

2006-03-28T08:58:00.000-05:00

Till my little one comes home. He called me this morning, just to play on the phone. That seems to be one of his favorite activities, getting on the phone and "tell me a secret" with is "whisha whisha whisha". I pretend he is actually telling me a secret and reply with "whisha whisha whisha". Its great fun. And, I am honored that he calls me to play that game. As I was speaking to him, this morning, I asked him if he liked Sweden. He said no, "Its yucky" LOL

Honestly, this morning's interaction with James, made me realize how blessed I truly am. I dont deserve all that I have. I dont deserve James. Yet, I have been blessed by our Father.

And, He has been faithful. Resonating throughout my head is the words "They will be back" and not once have I doubted that. Even when I recieve those doubtful looks of my friends, when I tell them that James is in Sweden. I tell them that I am at peace with it, on a couple of occasions, I have had that look of "Ok, but I think your an idiot"

They wont understand. They wont want to understand, the faith that I have in our Holy Father. Granting me, a murderer, such a wonderful and beautiful gift such as James. I am truly humbled by Him. I am thankful as well. Thankful that He has blessed me and has granted me His peace and wisdom.

My heart aches for those that doubt Him. My heart aches for those that deny Him. I have said before, that I couldnt wait to sing my praises of Him for His faithfulness. There is no waiting, He is continusly faithful to me, and I continuously sing His praises. He is the reason why I am who I am, where I am and where I shall go.

Yes, I cant wait for my son to get home. Yes, I cant wait to see his little form running to me, as his mother struggles with all the bags, and his little voice yelling "Daddddddyyyyyyyyy" into my open arms. However, I also know that He is the reason for that and I will always be thankful. I am thankful for the little bits of revealed wisdom, through my friends. I am thankful for my friends who are strong enough to reveal their tidbits of wisdom.

He is Holy and Faithful, and will be that way, til the end of days. And for that I am Thankful to Him!

Have you spoken to your son?

2006-03-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

Its amazing how a simple question can completely demolish the strength that one man had been holding onto.

That was the question that a girl, here at work, asked me. Internally, the butterflies started and my strength weakend. The fears repeated their lies within my head. Honestly, I felt sick. The fears rotated through my mind, telling me that she was not coming back, that I would never see James again.

The answer to the question was no. I called him this morning at 5am (they are 5 hrs ahead) and no answer. This morning, I was fine with it, went back to bed. Woke up and went along with my daily business.

But, that one question, in email, caused my whole internal fortitude to crumble. Immediately my mind went to checking her emails again, and I will admit, I did.

After a little bit of my mental anguish, I started thinking of the story of Peter, walking on the water, during the storm. Immediately it struck me how stupid I am. Well, maybe not stupid, but weak.

God does not change. He has told me that they will be back. Just as Peter asked Jesus, "If thats you Lord, tell me to walk on the water." It was, but the moment Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and focused his attention on the storm, he sunk.

"Oh Ye of little Faith"

Father, I am sorry, truly and deeply sorry for taking my focus off of you and onto the storm in my life. Thank you for your grace and strength and wisdom, that you have granted me. You are my rock, you are my strength, you are my wisdom. If it were not for you, I would be nothing. I wait for the day, March 31, 2006, when James and his mother return, so that I can have proof of your power, grace, wisdom. I know that you are true to your word. Its for those that dont believe that I wait for. Those that gave me the wierd look when I said that they would be back, even though Jeanette has shown how unreliable she can be. As unreliable as she is, you are that much more reliable.

I thank you, for giving me a chance to repent, for giving me the love that I dont deserve. Thank you for giving me your saving grace. I am not worthy, a man, a physically strong man, yet that physical strength can not save me. You are the strength that holds me.

I am humbled by your wisdom. Jesus, I thank thee. In your precious name, Jesus, I pray, Amen

The time, it be flying by!!!

2006-03-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a long while since I last posted. I will admit, part of it has been due to the lack of desire, but the majority of it has been the fact that I have been busier than a bee in spring.

We are working on building a new network and migrating from the old infrastructure to the new infrastructure that I built. So thats why I havent been around. Not that anyone has missed this little stain on the internetwebtype thinggy.......:)

Well, on Wednsday, Jeanette and James will be flying to Sweden, from the 15th to the 31st. I will admit that I am quite nervous.

What about all that you said before, on how you were going to rely upon His strength, have you lost faith??

No, I havent and I am relying upon His strength. But, the humanistc side of me still wants to rear its ugly head and the thoughts keep whispering in my ears, "She will change her mind and you will never see him again"

BEGONE FROM ME SATAN!!!!!

I know that God does not Change, and I believe that it was Him, that told me that James will be back. I do, really I do.

I am weak. This is going to be a real strain for me, because I am afraid that I will resort to my old ways of drowning my sorrow in a bottle of whiskey. So, for you that are out there, please pray for me, for strength and wisdom.

I do not plan on falling into my old ways. I plan on standing Strong and I fully expect, when they get back here, to be jumping on this blog and write numerous glorious things. Singing His praises and glory. To which I do now.....

SuperBowl

2006-02-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Who won?

PITSBURGH STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rockon!!!!!!!!

The Wall of Steel!!!!!!!!!!!

Go ahead, Steelers!!!
The Bus got what he deserved. A bloody ring!!!

Good Show!!!!

State of Hysteria.....

2006-02-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

You know, I am really getting sick and tired of surfing the world of blogs and hear the inane BS that everyone has to spew forth in their hatered and disallusions of Bush.

I have an idea. Before you want to sit there and accuse Bush of being some type of "Liar, cheat, evil.." or whatever else you want to lable the man, why dont you spend 10 minutes in his position?

The comics have made it quite apparent that Bush is not a prolific speaker. Ok, thats fine. Yeah, it does make him look like an idiot, but so does sitting there and telling a judge that your innocent, "depending on what your definition of is, is"

You dont agree with his ideals of going into Iraq. Fine, so be it. Maybe, if your wonderous John Kerry was in office, This world would be different. We would probably be sitting here, all patrioticly hiding under our desks from the fear of another al Queda attack.

Hussien may have started to gas the Kwaities because he wants the oil for himself. I know we wouldnt be sitting here, complaining of how bad Bush is. We would probably be sitting here, complaining at how screwed up Kerry is.

We can sit here and say "what if" all we want, I know I used to live half my life wondering "What if" but that aint gonna change a damned thing. You dont like Bush, too fucking bad! He's the president, get over it, you over grown pretentious little shit!!!

Uhhh

2006-01-23T20:03:00.000-05:00

I dont really know how to title this... so I just said Uhhh....

Today was an up and down day for me. I have "acquired" certain things in regards to whether or not Jeanette was really going back to Sweden to move. And, it had taken me a better part of a day to translate all that I had.

As I was driving home, I had spoken to my mom about all the information I had gathered and what I was reading into it. I got off the phone with my mom and I had been pondering on what I had found and what I thought the possiblities of her really moving to Sweden or not. So, as I was driving, my mind was grinding. Crunching what I had read, analysing the data, replaying events in my mind and really, just driving myself insane with it all.

Then my mind really started working overtime. I started to think that "Maybe the plan is for Him to show me how much He loves me that He gave His only begotten son....I was going to have to do the same thing". That really started to freak me out. I started feeling as though this was completely helpless and that I was doomed to lose my one and only son......

As the tears streamed down my face, I was praying feverantly asking Him to not take James, and that I couldnt take it if he left. Blah blah blah.....Tears streaming down my face like the Nile river, finally a voice popped into my head.

"Calm down, smoke a cigarette, your going to drive yourself crazy over this."

Immediately there was peace in the stormy seas. Immediately, it was as though the storm stopped, the ocean was calm and the sun came out. The birds chirping etc....

Then I heard "Now, stop. Stop "researching" your going to continue to drive yourself crazy. They will be back."

And, to be completely honest with you, I felt it. The calming presence, the reality that He is with me, He will bring James back.

I know that this is a moment of clarity, for me, I just hope that I will be able to remain in this state. I also have to say. For those that dont believe that God talks to people, I do. As I have said, I cant for sure say that it was me really saying these words (within my head), this is true, but when these words echoed throughout my mind, I was in a state of chaos. I know I would not really be able to clearly set my mind to stop the chaos as quickly as it stopped. Instantaniously the chaos departed, and these words entered my mind.

As I thought about it, after, I thought to myself "God would never tell me to smoke a cigarette." However, a good parent would relax on the "rules" (so to speak) if their child was in a state of hysteria or upset and at the moment, unconsolable.

As I said, as I was driving up the hill in my neighborhood, "Its so easy to give advice, but so hard to follow it." I remember telling a friend of mine, when she was having boy troubles, that she needed to move her focus away from her boyfriend and more onto God. As I was trying to figure out how to get my mind away from my situation and keep myself from "researching", it dawned on me. Spend more time focusing on the good things in life, like the Good News and Him, instead of focusing on things that will not happen.

A heavy Heart.

2006-01-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I wanted to start off with this. My ex-wife just found out that her step-dad has run off with a girl about her age and her mom and step-dad are getting a divorce. She called me on Sunday and asked if I could take James to school this morning. I would like to ask those that read my blog, please pray for her. She was really emotional when I spoke to her on Sunday.

Also, a person from my past, seems to have invaded my mind again. She is a girl I used to date, when I was a senior in High School. She was my first love. I have had dreams about her, vivid dreams about her. One of those dreams went like this.

(This is the first one) There is a circle of people getting ready to play soccer. There are a few people there and I walk up to the circle and ask if I can play. One of the guys say, "Can you play?" and out of no where I hear this voice that says "Oh, yes, He knows how to play, he's quite good." I turn around and there she is. end of dream.

Second dream I had was (that I remember) Im in a classroom, sitting in our desks. I look up, and she is sitting right across from me. I start to freak out a little bit. (I was thinking she hated me because of the way we broke up) So anyways, she writes a note and passes it all the way around the room (the chairs were set up like in a semi-circle and she was directly across from me.) As the not arrives to my desk, I notice that its for me, and it has an address on it.

The third dream, its some type of camping event and I am sitting by all the fire wood, just hanging out. All of a sudden, she shows up and we talk for a bit. Out of the blue, she says (in the dream, mind you) "I still love you".

Talk about waking up going "What the Hell?" So, I start thinking that deep in my heart, I am seeking some type of closure, or maybe I was dreaming about her because my life was so much less complicated when I was dating her.

I was madly in love with her, however we had to seperate. Her step-dad (at the time) was running some type of scam and doing some shady business, so her mom and her decided to take off. I remember the day she left like it was yesterday. As she drives her little red honda hatchback down the exit, her strawberry blond hair waving in the breeze. She waves bye to me, as we had planned on me moving down to where she was at, TX.

We continued to date during this time. I had started going to the local community college. I had met this girl and driven by lust, I ended up breaking up with her.

So, I thought I wanted closure. I had worked with a friend of hers, who went to the same school as she did, but graduated before I started going there. SO Im working with one of her friends and she showed me a picture of Lisa. She was as beautiful as I remembered her, not a thing had changed about her. I also knew that she had gotten married and from what I heard, Lisa's husband didnt like the thought of her and I meeting up again. Lisa had come into town for her friends wedding, and I had mentioned that I would like to meet up with Lisa. But I respected her husbands wishes and didnt press it.

Then those three dreams popped up. So, I found her via "Classmates". I sent her an email, not expecting a response, but I got one.

"Holy Unexpected responses Batman!!" We sent about 3 emails. THe last email I had sent was me saying Im sorry for the way I ended things with her. She never responded. Honestly, I felt better about it, I figured that was what I needed, to apologize to her for being an ass.

Well, I woke up yesterday morning, her still penetrating my mind, but this time it wasnt as harsh. Yes, she is still on my mind, I think she will always be. However, I also know that the likely hood of us running into each other is slim to none, and I am cool with that and accept that.

As I was driving into work this morning, something dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe, this was one of the times where God was laying her upon my heart (as was all those other times) to pray for her. So, I prayed for her, probably about 3 times this morning, on my way to work, a half hour drive.

I really dont know what is going on, but it seems as though she has been laid upon my heart, so I am praying for her. I wish to ask you to pray for her as well.
Thanks

I gotta admit...

2006-01-20T10:19:00.000-05:00

Im nervous about Jeanette leaving with James. Yes, I was at peace with it, however, Satan has been working overtime on me. Entering into my mind are images of me on the phone, tears streaming down my face, which would be red with rage as spittle coats the mouth piece of the reciever screaming epitaths of hatered at Jeanette for taking him away from me.

So, this is where, I guess, one of my weaknesses are. Trusting in Him. Well, I do trust in Him, I just dont trust her.

How can one deal with the reality that there is a possiblity of her leaving with him and not coming back?

I know that God gave us free will. I also know that God changed the heart of the Pharoe in Egypt, when Moses "freed his people". However, I know that Jeanette is one who is a "spur of the moment" type person and she may very well end up saying, once she is in Sweden, that she isnt coming back.

Its hard. Its really really hard. I dont know, I mean, in some ways, I feel as though maybe this could be a "lesson" for me, not to jump into a marriage, with someone you dont know and get her pregnant..... But, honestly, that is a lesson I have already learned.

I really dont know, so many thoughts run through my head. Some good some bad. Maybe God see's my love for James as unhealthy. I mean, I do love my son to death and would do anything for him, but maybe He see's it differently, like how Abraham was like with Issac. Maybe this is my "sacrifice" of my son.

Maybe I am worrying about all this for nothing, maybe her going back is just a test for me to trust Him. I dont know.... I just really dont know........

I want to believe that she will be coming back, but she has told me time and time agian that she "plans" on moving back. My parents have drilled that seed into the back of my mind about her leaving and now, I am sorta freaking out. Im not trippin as bad as I have done in the past, however, it still crashes through my thoughts like a bull in a china shop.

Ultimately, I think, I need to try to keep my mind off of that fear, of her leaving and not come back, and live for today. Enjoy this day and enjoy the people that are in my life.

Anyways, sorry to bring you down. Also, please dont feel sorry for me as this is all my doing. I just pray that He will continue to bless me and give me strength and wisdom....

A sigh of relief, I think.

2006-01-16T21:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I spent the weekend, not mulling over the fact that my son told me that he was going to Sweden for his mothers birthday, and the fact that I had spoke to her a few times and she said nothing about it.

When I dropped him off, that was when she told me. She said that she was going to go to for her birthday but she didnt have a definate date. She said she would be there for 2 to 3 weeks. I specifically asked her if she was coming back and she said yes. She also added that if/when she moved to Sweden, it would be on the level, through the courts.

Right now, I am at peace with it, however I had a nice dose of parental "advice". A continuation of their belief that she will not come back. And they proceeded to go into graphic detail of how it could be done. My mom even told me what she would do.

That being said, I did tell them that really, there is not a whole lot that can be done. I have to trust her that she is going to come back. I have to have faith that He is in control of this situation. I have to have faith that His will is in line with mine in the fact that I want to be there as a father to James.

And, I do have faith. I know that what ever happens He will be there to hold me. I truly believe, however, that if she does call, when in Sweden and says "Im not coming back" that the courts would be able to do something. Maybe I am being nieve, but I have to believe in justice. I have to believe that He wants me to be James's father and not someone else.

If I dont, I will end up going certifiably insane. (Not really certifiably but you know....) So, yeah.

So, it is a sigh of relief, sort of....

The Dreaded news...

2006-01-14T12:25:00.000-05:00

Last night James says that he is going to be in Sweden for his mothers birthday, which is in March.

This is the news that we (my mom n dad and I) have known was coming but never wanted to hear. It has finally come to fruitition.....

After he told me this, she called. Now, initially my reaction was to sit there and destroy her verbally, yet I did not. I wanted to give her the benifit of the doubt and let her tell me. She hasnt. I know what I need to do and will be doing it on Tuesday, however, this news still eats at my stomach like a virus.

Now, she may be planning on going to Sweden for just a vacation to visit her family, which is fine. However, the greatest fear that I have is this. She goes to Sweden and I allow James to go. Next thing you know, she calls me and says "I have decided that we are going to stay in Sweden". Or, she will decide that I need to send her money (even though she has money hidden away in Sweden).

He is a part of me, a part of my heart and personality. Although, before I had him, I didnt want a child. It wasnt because I didnt -want- a child, it was more along the lines of -me not being capable of being a father. I look at him and see how much I have learned and in complete honesty, he has taught me the true meaning of love. I would do anything for him. I have bent over backwards to make things a little easier for Jeanette because it would directly relate to James.

I dont know if this was the right thing to do, but I told James my fear. I really dont think that he realized what it meant by him going to sweden with his mother. I think it dawned on him. He told me that he wanted to stay with me. In his eyes, she holds all the power and he has to do what she says. Pridefully, it hurts me as it has always been the man that holds the power. Yet, I am the one who truly holds the power.

I told him, also, that he shouldnt worry about anything, that no matter what happens, I love him. And that I am going to do whatever I can to make sure that the best for him has been reached. I love this little guy with all my heart and want whats best for him. I believe in the truth and I believe that the honorable will come through victorious. I believe that rightous will win. Is my intentions rightious for James or are they selfish desires? Is my intentions to control Jeanette or are they to ensure that James remains safe and comfortable and stable?

I believe that my intentions are honorable and centered around James. I may be wrong, but I believe this to be true. So, I will reamin faithful to Him and know that He is ultimately in control and that this horrible situation will be a scene that glorifies Him, even if, and I hate to say this but, this situation does not turn out the way I want it to.

Good Morning DC Metro Area!!!

2006-01-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

I was going to start this post as a play on word to a song, but since I am mentally tired, I decided against it. I got woken up this morning, to a phone call from the x. I chose to ignore it because I knew that it was going to be something about how James is sick or something. She immediately called the house. My dad answered.

In walks my dad to inform me that she had called and he told me that she said that James has a spider bite. Somewhere in there the word Brown Recluse was thrown in there. As we all know, if you dont check it out, Brown Recluse is one of the most poisonous and deadly spiders in the US. Them and Black Widow. She said he didnt want to put any weight on his foot and that there were red lines moving away from spot. She said that she didnt see any puncture wounds (after I called her).

Ok, now I am pretty tired right now, but really, think about it.

If your child gets bit by what you think is one of the most poisonous spiders in America would you call someone who lives at least 45 minutes away to come pick up the child and take them to the Drs? Now, by my thinking, I would say no. I will say, in her defence, she is from Sweden and probably does not know, but I believe my dad said she was the one who said "Brown Recluse". If you know the name of a spider, then you probably know about the spider as well.

I am trying to take a better approach at how to deal with her. I know, that if I turned to her and said something like that, she would get angry and defensive and would proceed to throw into my face the fact that 1. I left him behind when I went to WV, 2. she is a struggling single mother, 3. She has no money since she lost her job, yet yesterday she tells me of a possible part time gig babysitting a friends kid getting paid under the table, 4. Her car needs work and that she doesnt feel confident in driving it. Knowing her, there would be more venom thrown in my face like an angry monkey flinging its feces.

Yet, I am trying to deal with her compasionatly. I am trying to empathise with her situation and trying to understand that she does not have family around here. However, its hard. Its extremely hard to look at her with the same eyes that Jesus looks at me. In her eyes, she feels that all the moves she has done, was to benifit James. Example, when she pulled him out of Leesburg Elementary and put him into Aldie Elementary (le and ae respectively shortened). She told me that it would be for his benifit because, and I quote, "I cant afford to drive to LE two times a day". As much as I try, its hard to comprehend why a person has to have the oil changed every other week when she is asked to meet either me or my dad in Leesburg, to ease the hassle of driving to Aldie.

For those that are out there and that read my blog, I thank you and would like to ask a favor. Please pray for me. Part of me feels that I am not following what Jesus would do. I think Jesus would stand up for what was right, and by me just accepting the way things are going now and not trying to make things right, is not what He would do. Another part of me feels that I am following Jesus as I am trying to show her compassion.

My dad has told me that she has told him that the x plans on going to Sweden to visit her parents and so my son can see his grandparents and great grandparents etc. I dont know if this is true or not, but I am concerned with this. Also, I know that if I "make things difficult for her" then she might just go for a "visit" and compeletly forget to come back. I am completely serious when I say this. I know that having both parents around the child is the best for the child of a divorce. I mean that. Forget the fact that I have major issues with her as a person and how I feel that she is raising him. I dont know how she is, but I have a feeling that when he gets home from school he is put in front of the TV or the Sony Play Station 2. Every time I call, around 1-3ish, he is usually playing a game and cant talk or watchign a movie and cant talk. Occasionally the x will take him to her friends farm and he can play there, while she does her thing, but yeah....

So, I ask that, if you can remember, please pray for me.

Father,
I ask that You help me to open my eyes and heart to whats going on in this situation. I need Your help. I know that if I use my wisdom, I am going to take this situation and cause so much chaos and strife that it will end up in a bad way. I dont want that and I know thats not what You would have planned for any of us that are involved. Please help teach me about patience and trust, Father. Teach me how to trust You.
I pray this in Jesus name,
Amen

Dick Clark

2006-01-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

You know, I didnt watch the ball drop on TV like the masses do, on New Years. I was at a friends house, on their deck doing KegStands.......No, not really... :) I was out on the deck, with a few friends, popping in the new years. My friend had these poppers that shot out confetti and stuff to which James had a blast with. At first, the loud popping scared him a little but he enjoyed it. And Schwienson you rock dude!!! He let James pop the rest of them, after he gave them out to everyone at the party, so James got to pop about 15 of them or so..

Anyways, last night, I was on the road and listening to the Don and Mike Show on the local radio station and they played the tapes of Dick Clarks performace on New Years. Now, to them, its a huge joke, but for me, I was overwhelmed with sadness. Mike, of the show, said it best, that hearing Dick Clark, was a bummer.

Dick Clark showed a lot of strength and determination to do the show after suffering from a stroke. I had an aunt who suffered a stroke, many many years ago. She had her sister take care of her and I lost touch with her. Well, I never really was in touch with her to begin with, but thats beside the point. I remember, I was maybe 6 years old and we were getting breakfast with my uncle and parents. My Aunt, who was late 40's early 50's (Im guessing) kept repeating that she was getting cereal.

The effects of a stroke are astounding and that image of this older lady (who had the typical hairstyle from the 50's, old and grumpy lady) acting like a child. Excited to get cereal to which she could not pronounce properly.

It really broke my heat listening to Dick talking. His formerly clear and consise speach was replaced by what I could best describe as Dick Clark wasted. Unfortunately they didnt play the whole thing, just bits and pieces. (Or should I say Fortunately) I know that Don is a real jerk on the radio but "behind the scenes he is a different person" and he has lost his wife this past year, however, I would have expected a different reaction from him on this.

I think that Dick showed poise and strenght, as I said before, but, I also thought he showed some class as well. He did talk about his stroke a little bit and explained that he has had to learn how to walk and talk again.

And as Buzz said (the newsman on teh Don and Mike show) the eternal Teen who hasnt aged in 50 years, aged 50 years on one year.

Im Razr Sharp

2006-01-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

Here is my new toy

Now, how did I get this $399.99 phone? I sure as hell would not pay $399.99 for a phone, let alone $50 for a cell phone... Radio Shack has a promotion going, at the moment, for a Razr Black phone, new line for $29.99. My friend and his wife have the family plan, from Cingular. They added me to the line for only $9.99 a month. So, we spent an hour and a half getting all this set up, and next thing you know, I am with a cell phone.

I am giddy as a little school girl at the moment, because I now, can take pix of my son whenever I want and not worry about it.....tis a wonderful day!!!

This is a very happy christmas, belated.... (as planned)

The Aftermath of Christmas

2005-12-27T15:37:00.000-05:00

You know, I have been thinking a bit about my whole rant on Christmas. I wish to apologize for that. Not because what I said I felt was wrong, but because I think it was not the root of my semi-anger towards the whole "Christmas Season".

Growing up, my parents were never "much of present givers" as my dad says and so during my "school years" Christmas was not much of a day. Now, I dont say this for you all to feel sorry for me, or pity me. So, please dont. I am just saying this as a way of, hopefully, release this deep seeded anger and abhorance for this time. And I hate to say it. Yes, Christmas is supposed to be all about Christ, but now a days its not.

As my parents, not being present givers, I usually got crap for Christmas. Never did I get any of those un-neccessary gifts like a new gaming console, nor did I ever get anythign that I really wanted. I always got generic gifts from my parents.

If we celebrated Christmas at all. Usually, how that particular year for Christmas was going to be spent, maintained direct correlation with how well I did in school. And, normally, I didnt "put in my full effort" and so many times, Christmas never came around in the ole dogboy household.

Countless years had gone by, during my school years, I had to hide behind the lies of what I got for Christmas. "Mostly Clothes" I would say, while all my friends would brag about the latest game for Atari, or Nintendo, or whatever cool gaming console system was out at the time.

This year, goes like the rest. From my parents I recieved a shirt (which is too small for me) and a sports bottle with Redskins colors. I, for one of the first times in my life, actually went out and thougth about what I was going to get them. I decided to get them a DVD/VCR player and got my dad a DVD set about WWII, to which my dad is absolutely facinated about. However, I was happy to get that for them. And, yes, I spoiled my son.

So, I think that, ultimately, my dislike for the "Christmas Season" is peppered with ancient hurts and lost desires, sprinkled with the mass consumerism that has taken hold of this holiday.
That being said, I wish to apologize to those that may have been offended by my vehmient animosity towards the time where we celebrate Christs Birth. Mostly, I have come to the conclusion that its selfish reasons why I am so down on this holiday. Hopefully, this year, I will be able to get myself things that I want. That way I dont have to worry about what others get me.

I truly hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and I pray that the next year, will be the best year for you, that you had ever lived.

To be Merry, or not to be.......

2005-12-12T22:20:00.000-05:00

That is the question.......

Ok, blah blah blah. I mean, come on....I am sick and tired of Christmas.....*waits for all the Christians to come to, from fainting at such a blastphmous statement*..............................

Yeah, I said it. I am sick and tired of the whole Christmas season....I really wish that it would just disappear.

Now, first of all, this is being said by a person who has grown up knowing that Christmas was just a day and it could be cancelled, and it was, more than Christmas was on. Yes, I said cancelled. When I was growing up, my mom would cancel Christmas because I wasnt doing as well in school as she would desire, but really......Thats not my point.

You have people who are freaking out because certain stores decided to not say "Merry Christmas" and instead say "Happy Holidays" and from what I have heard, these certain people have decided to deficate in their pants because of this *coughoreily*

Now, I am not going to say that Bill O'Reily is an ass. Nor am I going to say that he is a genius. Some of what he says, I think is right on. Some of what he says makes me want to run my car off the road and end it all now.....

And now everyone has decided that Christmas is such an important season that we need to trample upon everyone else..........We have to fight each other for presents. And thats whats the most important thing, PRESENTS!!!!!!!

How many years have I had to warp reality so that I wouldnt be pittied? As a child, all my friends would brag about all the cool shit they got while I had to wait til my mom was either over whatever she was pissed off at me for, at the time, or if I had gotten good enough grades to get my crappy presents. And they were. They were not stuff that I wanted, nor stuff that I needed. But then again, this is only a part of why I am so resentful of this "Oh Joyous Time"

How many times have you heard that chipper, high pitched voice say, in a sing song voice, "He is the reason for the season"!........ Uh...Reality check here, Its a friggin Pagen holiday!!!!! Sad thing is, if 75% of the Christians out there, realized that the Christmas that we worship was based upon a Pagen ritual for the Winter Solstace, they would stain their drawers and probably petition congress to discontinue the celebration of Christmas, let alone the over-done or unthoughtful and menial decorations of their trees. I mean, a Pagen holiday? Halloween, a pagen holiday.

Now, I have said this before. Why is it that a season has to be a cause for us to focus our eyes upon the Lord and Savior? The hypothitical "Santa knows when your sleeping..." blah blah blah. Why not be honest? Santa, is mommy and daddy and its a freakish way to control your kids.....(Ok, no I dont believe that, I know it is Christ........and mommy and daddy)

Ultimately, I am sick and tired of hearing of how this season is so great, when the fact of the matter is, they claim to worship Christ on this day, yet worshiping Christ is not a one day celebration, its a lifetime of celebration HIM. Ok, yes, He is the spiritual reason for this season, but I really wish more people would understand that every friggin day, is a celebration for HE was the one who beat death. HE was the one who created this earth.

In reality, its difficult for me, to watch these rich assholes, roll around in their BMW's, throwing cash around like its nothing, and all these damned comercials. KAY jewelry......

How many children in the United States go without a Christmas? How many children through out the whole world go with out Christmas?

Dont know? Go find out.

While you are doing that, think about the meaning of Christ's Birth while your at it. I know it sure as hell does not mean free presents..........

Enter into the Shit-Storm

2005-11-17T17:03:00.000-05:00

Since I have moved back to NOVA, Jeanette, my ex-wife, has sent me three emails stating that she plans on moving to either California, Georga or back to Sweden. I had started to get concerned about that, so I sent my lawyer an email asking him if I was shooting myself in the foot. He said, ultimately, yes, it would be self defeating not to respond. He gave me a snippet of what he would say, so I took his snippet and sent it to her, telling her that I do not want to fight about it, nor am I trying to be a jerk about it.

Well, needless to say, that didnt go over too well, she flipped out on me, but I let her, never responded to it. Gave it a few days, then responded in a nice manner telling her that I am not trying to be a jerk. She even tried to say that I knew it was going to be like this, and that I had agreed to it, prior to us having a child. I told her that she couldnt expect that to still stand. Hell, that was just over 7 years ago.....

So, anyways, yesterday, I get a call from Jeanette. She told me that she lost her job. The job is going to pay her til the end of december. She, also, told me yesterday that she might pull him out of the current daycare (to save money) and she would find a job as a nanny. Fine.

This morning, she calls me and tells me that she plans on taking him out of the current school for kindergarden (Leesburg Elementary, hereforwith known as LE) to go to a school, right by her house in Aldie (henceforwith known as AE). She had brought this up, in the begining of the school year about him going to AE cuz it was close to her house and it was a small school, reminded her of home.....She had already changed the visitation from every other week back to every other weekend. She changed this on the first of the month, we started the visitation bi weekly on June 16th 2005.....

So she just, out of no where, ripped him outta my hands and changed the visitation. She said that he was unhappy and that no one knows her son the way she does. Hell, to me he has been happier than a pig in a blanket, and all my friends who have been able to spend time with him and me think he is the most awesome kid they know. They are always welcoming both James and I over.....So, I disagree with her on that, but she changed the visitation anyways....

Now she called me this morning, telling me that she was seriously considering taking him outta LE and putting him in AE. I called her back (she had left me a message) and I spoke to her, I told her that I didnt agree with that and to not do it. So, she tells me that she had already done it. I was irate, and hung up on her. I called her back, a little bit later after calming down a bit, and told her (left her a voice mail as she didnt pick up the phone) that what she did was take away my rights as a father who has joint custody. All major decisions in his life, like school, should be consulted on before making the change. I told her that he needs stability and her moving him here to there to there is not stable for him. I also told her that what she did was wrong. She called me back, I didnt answer the phone because I didnt want to get into a screaming match with her, she leaves me this message saying, that, 1, she didnt listen to my message because she didnt want to hear me being mean to her and she is under enough stress as it is. Its not like she asked to lose her job and she lost it because she doesnt get much help and she is a single mother... and, 2, if I want him in LE so bad, I can just drive down to Aldie every morning and get James and take him to LE and she will pick him up. It takes me, on average, about 45 minutes to get to Aldie....half an hour to Leesburg, about 15 minutes, possibly 20, to get to Aldie. Thats reasonable, right?

The reason why she doesnt want to keep James in LE is because she "cant afford the gas to drive to LE 4 times a day". She also claims that she lost her job because she has missed so much time due to James being sick, which is a load of bull shit, since everytime she has called me to take James to the Dr.s, my dad is the one who takes him. So...yeah....what a load of bull mularkey....AAAAAAAANd last time James was sick, I took him to the dr.s. I asked the doctor why he was sick so much, since thats what Jeanette had been feeding me. Yet the dr looked through the charts and said, "He is no sicker than an average 5 year old boy, who is in both daycare and kindergarden". So, you go figure.....

I have sent an email to my lawyer about the situation and to see what can be done. I love my son and am terribly sorry for putting him through this mess. I want to make his life as easy as possible, but everywhere I turn, there is another obstical. I have spoken with my dad on this and he basically said "Dont get all worked up on this. I understand your mad, she took away your rights as a father, but dont get all worked up about it. At least she isnt leaving...yet".

RIP Eddie

2005-11-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

Eddie Goy Guerrero, died over the weekend. The cause is still unknown at this time, but they are saying that he died of a massive heart attack, while brushing his teeth.

I dont know why, but Eddie's death has hit me pretty hard. I never met the guy, nor ever watched him live. Yet, his death is a big one that really hurts....

A few years ago, I wanted to learn more about the back side of wrestling, the stuff that no one knows about. After surfing the net, I found a few sites that provided me with that information that I sought.

I had learned that many of the wrestlers are pretty much popus jerk offs that think they are so much more. Hulk Hogan was one of these people, as much as I grew up, his status go to his head.

Eddie was so much more. I cant remember off hand when or where, but I do remember reading how Eddie was compassionate for his fans, and how he had made donations to charities.

I remember when I heard that HBK Shawn Michaels became a christian. I had to search this out and I found it to be true. Then, through my search I came to find that there were more men, active in the WWE, that were men of faith. Big Show is one. Chris Jericho is another. Eddie was one as well.

But, that didnt make me like Eddie more because he was a man of faith. It was his work ethic, his determination to please the fans was what really keyed me into why Eddie was so great. How many matches can one count, that Eddie layed it all out for us, the fans?

I am quite mournful of his death, but its more of a selfish mourn. I will miss watching Eddie pull up to the ring in his low rider. Dropping to three wheels prior to entering the ring. I will miss the character who became so much more popular with the "Cheat, Lie and steal to win" attitude, in character. He played it to a tee, but, the way he played it was comical, in a sense.

Eddie, you will definately be missed. Your smile, your banter and your enthusiasim will be missed man millions of fans around the world.

Rest in Peace Eddie, and one day, we shall meet.

Layeth the Smackdown upon thy candy ass

2005-11-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

The other night, God really opened up my eyes to who I really am. I am not this guy who is so much like Christ, that I thought I was. I do have a heart for servatude, and I try to do what I can to live my life like Christ, loving others. However, in my pride, I failed to see that I am so far from HIM that its pathetic.

There were three things that I had done, in recent past, that God showed me. The first was when I went camping. A good friend was there and she has a good relationship with James. Well, when I needed to do something, I wouldnt ask her if she could watch James, I took it for granted that she would be able to do it. As the weekend went along, I had noticed that it seemed as though she was trying to avoid me. On monday, as I analysed her actions and my actions, it dawned on me why she was "avoiding me". I have since apologized to her about it and she admited to me that it was wearing thin....I felt horrible, still do but.....

Another thing that sorta scared me was, on Tuesday, I was at a friends house hanging out. I had a couple of beers, but nothing major and another friend asked me my opinion on how to get her extremely skittish dog to eat. As I proceeded to give her my suggestions on said issue, I became very passionate about what I was talking about. I had litterally stepped out of my body and went off on her, about how to get her dog to eat. When I came to.....I was shocked. Again, I have since apologized for that and she too, was cool about it. And again, I still feel bad about it. I even apologized to her husband.

The third thing, Erick, at Circle Six Magazine, wrote an article about benevolence. I read the article, thought it was good, but what I read, I thought that I was already a step ahead because I had already done this. So, I posted how awesome I was because I already lived my life like that.

However, as I was driving, back to work, I started pondering on that subject. I started to get a feeling of how my post was so full of self arogance and what not, as I was flicking off some jack-off in his Mercedes because he wouldnt let me cut in front of him. That started to weigh on how far I am to being Christ.

I had gotten back to work, and wanted to read my post, just to ensure how bad it sounded. I thought it sounded ok, but it still had that ring of self-rightous and just pure arrogance. However, I also wanted to re-read Ericks article. I had also perused the internet and came across a blog entry that, in all honesty, I knew something was gonna happen. I had apologized on Circle Six Magazine and to Erick personally, to which he gracefully told me that there was no need for me to ask his forgiveness.

Later that night, as I sat in my car, listening to Not Called Common, I felt Christ sitting next to me. I litterally felt His arms wrapping around me and felt Him assure me that everything was going to be ok. As I thought about it, it sorta dawned on me, that I know, some day in the future, I will be sitting in my car, or room, coming to another realization that I have started to fool myself again into thinking that I am a better person than I truly am.

I thank GOD with all my heart, for being the loving and caring God that He is. I am thankful for Christ's promise in Him never leaving me. It is I who chooses to walk away and do things my way, all the while, Christ sits there, watches over me and waits. Waits for me to turn back to Him and say Im sorry. Christ will again say, "It's OK. What did you learn?"

What I have learned is this. I, my friends, am an ASS!!!!!!

In a blink of an eye

2005-11-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

My world has turned into a whirlwind of a shit-storm.

Lets start with the begining. I was born......Thats when the problems started for me......Anyways, since I moved back to the Metro area, I have been living in my parents house for a bit. Well, one morning, I woke to hearing my mother yelling at my dad about how she doesnt want me to treat the house like a hotel, and that she is not putting up with "the teenage years".

I tried to tell them that I am never around because I want to be out of their hair. But that was a futile attempt at reasoning, I guess. So, they gave me till the end of the month to get out.

I went to the DC United play off game and well, DC lost. 4-0 It sucked....So I get home, around 11pm on a Sunday night, and Im listening to the football game on the radio. Decide to smoke a cigarette while I am listening to the game. After I put out the cigarette, I seemed to have fell asleep. My dad found me and accused me, up and down, that I was drunk.

Another "drunken" story is two days after, I came home to an unexpected James at the house. My parents look at me and tell me what happened, Jeanette forgot to pick up James, and it was by the grace of God that my dad called her to make sure that he was not to pick him up. Sad thing is, I had spoken to her about this, earlier in the day. She had specifically asked if it was her week or mine, I told her it was her week. SHE STILL FORGOT TO PICK HIM UP......

So, yes, I was unexpecting that. I was over at a friends house, earlier the night, and had a couple of beers, they could smell it and immediately am accused of being a lush again. Blah blah blah....

Anyways, so Jeanette and my dad were talking and since she has so much power in whether or not James is happy, she decided that the visitation is going to change, from the every other week I have him, the way she had requested it to be changed to, back to the original agreement, every other weekend. So....I get screwed on that. I asked James about it and he was happy about it......So, thats pretty much the summary of my shit-storm couple of weeks.

Right now, Im hating the way things have turned out for the moment. However, as I said to a friend, What dont kill me, only makes me stronger. And, my friend said something to me that really lifted my spirits a bit. He said: "Your bright attitude toward life is awesome and inspiring. It is helping me get through my day!"

I have to thank God that I have been blessed with friends that have the heart of Christ, whether or not they realize it.

To where the time goes

2005-09-26T12:49:00.000-04:00

Well, its been a while, and I dont care :)

Been quite busy and I have been just so tired and not having the desire to write in my blog as of late.

Been busy at work, been busy in my personal life as well.

James turned 5, on the 22nd of this month, but we had his party on Saturday. A few kids showed up, and as I had expected, I was out with the kids, a majority of the time, whilest mommy dearest spent time with her friends, and my parents. But whatever.

He got a bunch of toys, but the one thing that I got him that Im quite excited about, is a guitar.

Also, at c6m there have been a few spawnings. And those spawngings have really brought me down memory lane about when James was born. I see another article in the making.....

Anyways, until next time.....
God Bless

Where in the......

2005-09-06T11:02:00.000-04:00

Now, that last post, I have no idea where it came from. It started out as an article, but changed. I guess, I am still not over her.

I thought I was. I guess I wasnt. I dont know....but Im not going to focus on that. Im going to continue to focus on what I have in my life, which is my son and my job and some super duper wonderful friends.

So, yeah. Thats what Im going to do :)

2005-09-05T21:21:00.000-04:00

As I watched the cameras pan across the faces of all these college students, it reminds me of what I lost. I am one of those statistics, that I remember hearing on the first day of my college experience. I did not finish college. Hell, even when I was there, I wasn’t.

I don’t want to blame anyone, as the truth is, I have my own self to blame. However, I never had the support system. I did go to college, spent one year at Old Dominion University, other wise known as Over Dose University, but I never really went there. I loved hanging out in college, but I hated it there.

My whole time in high school was under scrutiny of my mother, who never wanted to let me out farther than 2’ from her side. I was transferred from the high school I went to, to go to this little Christian School. There were a lot of troubles within my home life at the time. My mother told me, prior to me going to this school, she had considered divorce, and it was because of me, that she considered this.

During my last year of high school, in a completely new school, away from all my friends, I struggled. Now, I am not a dumb person. I am not the smartest person either, but I did not see how my placement in this Christian school would help. I was the only male in the 5 person Senior class. Not only that, I was the only male in the Junior and Senior class.

Now, when that whole cliché of only the rejects are sent to Christian Schools, played in my head, I came to realize, after being at the school for a year, how true this is. I stood outside, on the side of the building, smoking my Camel Lights cigarettes, while watching my back, like a convict smoking crack in jail.

I wasn’t the only one. All the girls in the Senior class, but one, were out there, as well as 90% of the Junior class. I just felt out of place there, but I also got to be myself there. At one point, I wanted to just leave school. I was just sick and tired of it all. I remember that I could not see a future for me. I never did walk out like I wanted to. One person said not to quit. It would be stupid to quit.

In all honesty, that person was the greatest thing that happened to me, in one of the worst times in my life. It was the response to my obvious cry for help that got me intrigued. In a free moment within a mass of people I said that I was considering dropping out of school. It was her that said I would be an idiot if I did, as it was my last year of school. Her straight strawberry blond hair, resting on her shoulders was the one person who convinced me from dropping out.

She was a skater girl, while I was more of the jock. In all honesty, she was my first train that I willingly missed.

The first mistake that I will never be able to change……..

I was able to get in contact with her, a few years ago. She was married. Which I knew.

Kristen Renee K...something......

I meant it when I said, Im sorry for the way I ended it.

I truly am sorry.

Update at Circle Six

2005-08-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

Go to

c6m

to read some kick ass articles as well as watch a video of Our Lady Peace interviewed by none other than the main man, Erick, editor-in-chief.

Also, an article from me is up there, so go check it out, Yall!!.....:)

First day.....

2005-08-29T10:21:00.000-04:00

Today, James entered the world of the "big boys" today, as he sauntered down the halls of Leesburg Elementary School, clinging to my hand for dear life. I tried to warn him, This aint your daycare, this is a big school.....I think he was a little intimidated, also, the lady that helped us get to his class, well, she was talking to him from about 2 inches away from his face. He wasnt fully awake. I think it freaked him out.

With us running late, I had JUST missed the bus, so I had to get directions from someone. Ended up following the grandfather of one of the kids getting dropped off in daycare. So, I followed this guy, and got to the school.

"This is just a little school" James said to me. "My school is 2 levels, this is only one." I turned to him and said "This is a lot bigger than it looks" To which he came to realize when he got in the doors.

We met up with this lady, cant remember her name, very nice lady, but she was the one who spoke to James 2 inches away from his face. I think she scared him. Hell, she scared me too. I wouldnt be too surprised if she had snorted a line of coke prior to the school day...LOL Anyways, since Jeanette had sat on the whole school thing, and then stressed about it, she got everything taken care of at the last second, his name was not on the door to say which room he was to go in. At this point, James started to cry. I think he was realizing that this wasnt right. But fortunately we were with someone who was able to help out, even though she is a "Kid Close Talker" We went to the office, right in the middle of announcements. As we walk in, everyone and their grandmother repeatedly told everyone else to be quiet, the announcements are going on. I sat down, held onto James and told him it was going to be alright.

The person who was doing the announcments finished up, hit all five buttons that I assumed put all the speakers on air and next thing I know, we are being ushered to the room. I did notice the "announcement lady" give me that blushing smile....So, I have officially come to the conclusion that I am a stud......Ok, now back t reality...She did give me that smile, but it was probably more along the lines of "Holy Crap a stranger in the room, they see the secret announement center....he must be killed".

So we get him to his room, and James looks up at me and says "Are you leaving me?" to which cracked my heart straight down the middle. I wish I could have said to him, "No, son, Im going to watch you play in Kindergarten all day" but I couldnt nor did I really have a chance to respond as the teacher made sure he got his name on the afternoon bus schedule and quickly corralled him to where all the other kids were. I got to say bye to him as he sadly said bye to me, and next thing I know Im sitting in my car.

I was appreciative of "KCT (kid close talker)" and the help she gave me, and I assume that they push the parents out of the room and away as quickly as possible so as to not have crying kids in the room. But it kinda sucked. I didnt get to have my moment with him, so I could hug him and tell him I love him and all that. But, as I was driving him, I was going to say something to him. I said "You know what?" to which James responded "I know, you love me"

I usually play this game where I sound like Im going to ask him a question, that starts with "You know what" then he will say something and I wil bust in with "I love you" But this time, I actually was going to tell him, that when I got home, we were going to sit down and he was going to tell me about his day. So.....there ya go.

Im sure the first day of kindergarten is just as agonizing on the child as it is on the parent.

Yeah, I know....

2005-08-19T21:06:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, its been a while since I posted. A lot has happened yet Im not really in the mood to expand on it all, however, I would like to first say HAPPY BIRTHDAY (6 month) goes out to www.circlesixmagazine.com. Go check it out, many amazing articles and lots of fun postings.

On that note, I guess I will start out with this. I was approached by the editor in Chief of the webzine to become a "staff writer" for the magazine. I accepted it, with much excitement. I was giddy as a school girl when I was asked. So, its all good.

Other than that, dealing with the normal crap that I have to deal with. Jeanettes owing a ton of money, to which I am flat broke now, because I had to pay it off. Well, half of it at least. I havent been in my office for the past week, as I have been off site the past week, and will be in DC on Monday. Tuesday, I will be back in the office.

We are getting ready to redo the network but Im never there, so I cant do anything on it. Other than that, things have been relatively cool. Jen and I have been hanging out a lot, apparently she isnt dating that guy in Cali, anymore, if she was at all. She mentioned that she may be seeking a room-mate, as she is thinking of moving to Denver, and doesnt want to sell her house, so she said that she would consider a room mate, if they were like me. Im the only one she has entertained the idea of having a room mate, becuase Im so cool...LOL

Anyways, go to www.circlesixmagazine.com and enjoy the amazing articles! Seriously, get you butts over there NOW!!!!

Please :)

I dunno, just stuff.....

2005-08-02T23:43:00.000-04:00

As I sit in my car, staring at the reddish orange glow from my Marlboro light cigarette, I am finally at a point of calm, to really let my mind release the convoluted and over-sensationalized thoughts and actions of the day.

The radio on low and the A/C blasting, I sit in the greenish hue of darkness, letting the blood that, moments ago, was at the boiling point, to slowly settle down I started pondering on why I was there. About 10 minutes prior, I had been emphatically trying to get my father to understand why I was against changing my visitation again. As of quite recent, Jeanette had decided that she would like for the visitation to change from every other weekend to every other week. I was more than happy with that. Granted, I have to get up earlier every morning, and usually run a little late for work, but ultimately, to have James in my life, I feel that its worth it.

Yet, the times are changing and James is getting older, so its soon time, for him to join the ranks of the kindergartners. Jeanette has found a little school near where she lives. She likes it a lot because "it reminds her of her school when she was little". Not that I have anything against the small school, or schools in Sweden, it did, however, send off alarms in my head. Then it happens, the email is received. "I am getting the paper work for this school, it’s a small school, so we will have to change the visitation, because the biweekly would be too hard". I told her that I do enjoy James and would be willing to drive, to which I think caught her by surprise.

What got me so mad was, as I am telling my dad that I still want the visitation, he got a little upset, because I would be driving almost 100 extra miles a day, and he usually picks up James from daycare and he wouldn’t be able to drive that far. Yet, he goes out there and helps her fix things in her house, so she can get her security deposit back. He said that I should change my visitation. As this all replays in my mind, I replay it a little bit more as the thoughts of when I was in WV how he bent over backwards for her. I slowly come to the realization of how really messed up this whole situation is, and must be for James. When I was in WV, he came over to my parent’s house about 2 days a week. When I come back, that stopped immediately. All through out his life, the 4 long years, his life has been full of change. Not one moment has he felt the warming comfort of stability. This is one thing that I learned from Marla, of what a child needs. I start pondering on what I could write for an article and I realize that what I’m doing, in trying my damndest to keep him in my life, biweekly, isn’t about the fact that the CS would become nothing. If there was a huge change, like him not coming here every other week, would really devastate him, I believe.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe his is a lot more resilient than I think, and maybe he wouldn’t really notice, however, when I am on the phone with him and he starts crying because he cant stay with me, leads me to believe that he wants to be with me more than with her. As I go to apologize to my dad, for my communication skills are lacking and I get a little animated when I get frustrated and I get frustrated because, sometimes, I don’t feel that people get what I am saying. As him and me are talking, slowly a resolution forms into my head. Thank you Father!! As he asks more questions to understand better, it becomes clearer and clearer. Something that would, in my opinion, satisfy all. See, she lives about 45 minutes away. We usually meet at his daycare, which is about half way. The kindergarten school she wants to take him to is where she lives, well, close to it anyways, about 45 minutes away. That would be hell on me and my car, to do that 45 min down, 45 back up to get to work. I would be willing to sacrifice that much, but my dad would also have to do it, to pick up James at daycare, which would be changing to closer to her as well.

My proposal is to put him in Fairfax County public school kindergarten and then move him to a daycare close, and within the boarders. So, essentially it’s closer to me. However, I would be willing to drive to his daycare now, which is about half way from where she lives to where I live, and pick him up, on her weeks. That way she can continue to have her life, that she so needs, as she was the one who asked to change it to weekly, and not feel screwed. I will get to continue to have my son biweekly and not feel screwed. I think its fair, but will she? I highly doubt it. But, God was able to change the heart of the Pharaoh of Egypt, who says Jeanette is any stronger or better than the Pharaoh?

The Voice that has disappeared

2005-07-31T14:28:00.000-04:00

Yes, I enjoyed the game. Chelsea, the champions of the English Premier League played DC United, the champions of Major League Soccer.

Now, why is that so special, you may ask. Well, I will tell you. For those that are soccer afficianados, like myself, England soccer is probably the best league in the world. And soccer is played in just about every nation on the earth.

There are some of the better known teams in the English league, like Liverpool and Arsenal and my favorite team in the EPL, Manchester United. Most people view the MLS as a weak league and not really worthy of air time. Some of my friends refuse to watch MLS because it is "sloppy" as they say. However, to play a team like Chelsea, is a big deal.

DC United lost 2-1, but am I upset? NO!!!

DC United looked good out there, against one of the best teams in the world. Granted they lost, but give the MLS a few years and they will be doing well against some of these other teams. The US National Soccer team is ranked number 6 in the world. Better than England, Spain and Portugal. These nations have been playing soccer for hundreds of years. The US has had 2 professional leagues. The North American Soccer League (NASL) which died out in the early 80's. Now MLS which has been around for about 10 years now.

Even though DC lost, they played well against Chelsea, and I am happy with how it went.

Now, I was screaming and cheering pretty much the whole game. I got a headache in the second half, because I was screaming so much, but I had a blast. I had on a home made T-Shirt that I started to make, but my limited artistic ability caused my friend Keegan to finish it up. I had a couple of comments about my shirt.

And, to top it off, the LA Galaxy, which is our cross country rivals, lost 2-0 to Real Madrid. Now, Real Madrid is the best team in Spain and is arguably the best team in the world. With the likes of David Beckham, Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Zudanie on the team, LA didnt do too bad, even though I read that it should have been 7-0 Real Madrid, but it wasnt. Also, Chicago Fire played AC Milan, which is also a power house in Italian soccer. They beat Chicago 3-1. So all in all, out of this series (I believe its called the World Series of Soccer) I think DC came out the better.

The MLS All-star team played against Fulham FC, which is another English Premier leage team, who has two american players on there, Brian McBride and Carlos Bocenegra. Unfortunately for Fulham, the MLS All-Star team was just too much for them. The end score was 4-1 to the MLS. However, Fulham is not the same calibur of team as is Chelsea. Last season, Fulham was ranked 13th in the league of about 18 teams in the league.

Well, at least I have a new DC United T-Shirt to wear to the next game I go to, which I hope to be bringing James along.

Until next time....

God Bless.

Clash of the Champions

2005-07-28T10:14:00.000-04:00

I will be leaving these hallowed halls of my place of employement, today at 12. First time that I have actually left work early, for personal reasons. I am going to the DC United vs Chelsea soccer game, titled "Clash of the Champions.

One of my passions is soccer, I love watching it and playing it. However, I havent played in almost 2 years.

One thing, this is way off subject of the soccer game, but Parke said, in his comment to my last blog, that one of the reasons why he writes his blog, is to teach himself. To this comment I must say AMEN!!

I know that, for me at least, when I have a problem, I talk it out. God does impart wisdom to us, when we seek it. A lot of the times, I feel, that the answer is right there, but we need to see it ourselves.

By writing in this blog, it has helped me see certain things that I have gone through and seen some of Gods wisdom, that He has graciously given me. Honestly, it makes me feel as though I am "smarter" than I usually am. However, just knowing that God has chosen me, and has chosen me to empart certain pieces of wisdom, fills me with great joy.

I thank you, those few people that actually take time to read my babbling thoughts. Through you, God also emparts wisdom upon me. Sometimes, we take life and run with it and lose site of what really is important.

In the song "Oh Sister" by Bob Dylan, in the second verse it says:
Oh Sister, am I not a brother to you?
Is not our purpose the same on this earth?
To Love, and follow His direction.

Ultimately, Bob hits the nail on the head. Our calling, as Christians, is to Love your neighbor. (Not the couple that lives next door to you, but all, regardless of their lifestyle). And to follow His direction, which has been graciously given to us through the Bible.

Well, I guess thats all I have to say at this point, except for one thing.....

GO DC UNITED, beat Chelsea.......(My honest opinion, even though DC is 2-0 vs league teams from England, none have been to the calibur of Chelsea, so I think that DC will lose, but it will be valuable experience and who knows, maybe some of the DC players will move on to play in the EPL). I know Chelsea has already said that they have Freddy Adu in their sights.

Please pray for me and my friends, as we go to this mass hysteria and that we all return safely and that our encounters with Hooligans is peaceful.

God Bless to all my friends out there. Keep reading, keep commenting, and be brutally honest. I can take it. If you feel I'm full of dog feces, please let me know. Its a good way to learn, from other people who may be wiser, at the time about the subject, than me.

Until next time, Ciao!!

The Babbling Continues

2005-07-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

You know, I was thinking about this, on my way home from my friends house.

What is my calling in this life? Everyone struggles with that question and some, I dont think, ever find the answer. I know I have struggled with that and I feel that my life is a complete mess.

It dawned on me tonight. It seems as thought God spoke to me. "What makes you happy?" Immediately James came to my mind. His smiling face, his giggling laugh echos through my head.

When I wake, my mind is drawn to what he is doing, what he might be feeling at the moment. It dawned on me. James is my purpose. Maybe it will change, I believe that God uses everything in our lives, to teach us. Right now, and it may be my only purpose in life, but I feel its to watch over James.

Never have I felt such a happiness and peace in my life. Never have I felt so sure....well, I was totally sure that it was Gods will for me and Marla to be together, so that wasnt right. I am happy, when he is around.

I think that a lot of people seek for a purpose in their lives. They look for a larger picture. Maybe, your purpose is to be a big brother. Maybe your purpose is to help your grandmother with her daily chores. Right now, I dont see a larger picture other than James. I think that maybe, God will use James, as He has already, to put me in another position in life.

Some look, for themselves, being used in such a large scale, that they miss the little people, the future, staring at them. Looking at them for their wisdom and direction. Thats what Im here for, to help the little man, James.

Not Called Common

2005-07-19T09:23:00.000-04:00

This morning I was listening to a new CD that was sent to me my my friend Ezra. Its his band called Not Called Common, Every Prodigal's Anthem came on and I was mid prayer. I finished up my prayer and replayed this song. Here are the words that spoke to me.

How many times have I been silent,
When someone needed to know?
How many times has my tongue failed,
And I heard the rooster crow?
How many times can I leave You,
And You’ll still welcome me home,
Filthy and covered in my sin
And You’ll still call me Your own?

And He said, ‘Everytime, anytime, you are Mine’
Lord Divine, thank You
And for eternity, Lord, I will Thank You.

Wearing the ring and robe You gave me
I present myself to You
A trophy of Your grace
I will bow before You
Until the holes in Your feet
Are filled with my tears.

How many times have You seen me fail
Foolish enough to call temptation’s bluff?
How many times have You felt the pain of my sin
When once was more than enough?
How many times the prodigal?
How many times has the rooster crowed
How many times can I come to You, Lord,
And lay my need for Your mercy at Your throne?

How true those words rang in my ears......
He is truly an Awesome God that we have. I am humbled.

To all of the Not Called Common crew, You guys Rock! And thank you, for humbling me.

Dear James

2005-07-14T08:30:00.000-04:00

As I drive away from daycare, you standing in the window, sadly waving bye to me, again, I am reminded of how much I love you.

I wish I could have the right words to say to you, so that you can understand how much I do love you. I know the reason why you do some of the things you do. I know why you refuse to go to bed on the nights when you know you will only see me for that night. Its because you want to spend as much time with me as possible.

I wish you could understand how much my heart breaks, when I leave you with your mother. Nothing against her but I know that you would never be viewed as a burden. You, in my eyes, do not give me any problems. You understand that when I say its time to get up, whether or not you want to, you get up.

I wish there was a way, to make all your pains just disappear. The doubts you have in your mind, to wash away like the sands on the shore. I have told you, time and time again, from the day of your birth, that no matter what happens, I will always love you. Nothing you can do, will cause me to love you any less.

I wish, for your sake, that you could understand that when I start talking, its not for my health. I hope for the day, that something that I say melds into your brain and will make the right choices. Like one of those cheezy, friday night sitcom specials where the dad was right all along. Chances are, that will never happen. If your anything like me, you will have to learn from your mistakes. I just pray that you will learn sooner than I.

I wish that you could know how much of a gift you are to me. Every moment I sit and hold you, in my arms, as you spaz about, gleefully, my heart is filled with joy. When I look at you, I am filled with joy of joys, knowing that from our Heavenly Father, He chose you to be with us, Jeanette and me.

Deep in my heart, although I can't forsee the future, I do feel that you and I will be spending a lot more time together. Maybe even to be raised by me. If that is what God wants me to do, you know I will be more than happy to fulfill His commandment.

Your mother has said that she eventually plans on moving back to Sweden, she even says it more than not, to frighten me into doing what she wants. The courts are to be watching over you, yet, that fear still remains. Im putting this out here, so that if this tragic event happens one day, at least you will know that though you are far away, you will always be in my heart, a part of my heart. And also know that I will always be proud of you, and tears will be shed, until that day you and I are reunited.

James, I love you with all my heart. I will never leave you. If I need to, I will find you.

Affecionately
Your Dad

Contemplations of a Dog

2005-07-06T23:51:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly its about myself and my life. I have come to realize that I have been focusing on the wrong things. I came back to NOVA to re-start my life and career. I have made strides in that, however I feel that my focus has not been correct. My focus has been on the hopes of hooking up.

There was this girl that I was attracted to, and there seemed to be an attraction back, however I think I waited too long to make any type of move to try and start something with her. Maybe it was because deep down inside, I wasnt sure if starting another relationship was the right move for me. So, I did something that I usually dont do. I prayed. I prayed for wisdom and whether or not this girl was something I should persue or if I should just leave it alone.

Well, I got my answer... That night, while hanging out with some friends, who are mutual friends of hers as well. They were talking about how she hooked up with some guy in California, when she was on her last business trip. Now, normally, I would not have been able to put the two and two together and realize that my answer was dancing right in front of my nose. Was I hurt to know that she had hooked up with someone? No, not really, which I take as, Im not ready for a relationship. Yes, I do want to find someone, and yes, it is nice to have that one person in your life, that your eager to talk to every day. Someone to turn to, when you are down or when you need that extra perk in life.

However, I ponder on the last 2 relationships that I have endured. One, my marriage to Jeanette. The other was the rocky road to West Va with Marla. Both relationships were difficult. Difficult for the marriage because I knew deep down that being married was not something I should have been, at the time. I wasnt ready, and I dont think she was either. Obviously, we ended in a divorce, so yeah, we were not ready.

Marla and I, well that was a rollercoaster from the start. However, even all the battles that we had, during the relationship, I came to realize, when I last talked to her, as she bombarded me with insults, that there really isnt anything there for her. I let her lead me away from James, my wonderful and precious gift, for what? Yes, I went out there, in love and hoping to have something with her. However, that was becoming quite apparent to me that nothing like that was going to pan out.

I also thought about how bad things had gotten between Jeanette and I, due to the fact that I was dating Marla, a girl who I had dated prior to Jeanette. A lot of hurtful things were said by both of us. I did apologize to her today, for being a little difficult at times. Yes, I still have my issues with how she is. She is horrible with money and is constantly looking for help, from me, to pay her bills. I have been helping her out, but I am going to slowly cut that back as well. I want more to my life than just paying all the money I get, to help her stay afloat. I want to buy my own house. I have lived here, with my parents, since the begining of February. I have saved not one dime. Thats not a good start, if I want to buy my own house.

Also, Jeanette had mentioned before, but brought up the issue again, about switching the visitation to one week on, one week off. Basically, one week he would be living with me, the next week, Jeanette. This is something that I have seriously considered, but then again, maybe I am being selfish here, but I am at an impass. My job, being a network administrator, causes me to have to work long hours and late. At this moment, I could be considered an employee for 2 different companies, working 3 jobs. My company is a consulting firm, who has contracts with the government.

As I have mentioned before, part of the contract is that my company needs to provide the government with a floater so that if one of the network admins at the site is out, I get to go in and fill in for them. Now, the people are cool and working for the government is not a bad gig. However, to further my career, I know that working at the headquarters of my company would be a lot more benifical. I would be able to learn a whole lot more, and would be able to improve my, already impressive, resume.

However, with this new "scenerio" that Jeanette has presented to me, and it seems to be more serious, has caused me to rethink my plans. Would it be better for me to take a consulting position with the government, and let my company find a new network admin, or would it be benificial for me to just stick with my company. Now the reason why I am questioning this is because if I went with the government, I would be home a lot faster than I normally would be. If I left my office, (headquarters) I would be home around 7:30ish, and would not be able to make it to pick up James from daycare. However, if I leave DC at 5, same time I leave headquarters, I would be home around 6:15, just in time to be able to pick up James. My dad has already stated that he could pick James up from daycare, however he wouldnt be able to drop him off at daycare every day.

Its not everyday that I can actually sit there, see the processing of my thoughts and realize that I am seeking HIS wisdom and desiring to do the right thing. But, thats where I am at. I dont know how many people read this, if any, for that matter. So, if anyone is out there, please pray for me.

Ultimately, I came to realize that I am an ass. I have been a major jerk and I hate it. My intentions were genuine when I moved to WV. I wanted Jeanette to learn that she can not rely on me all the time, however, no matter where I go, I believe she wont get that, until she finds another husband. Yet, I also want the best for James. I am slowly begining to feel that James living with his mother is not the best for him. I think he wants to be with me more, and I think he benifits more from being with me.

As for my focus. I have decided to officially take myself off the "meat market" so to speak. I feel that I need to get myself straight before I can make any attempts at starting a relationship with anyone. I have desires that I want to fulfill. Most of them are just selfish and man-child like. I want to have a better computer. I want to get a nice TV and a sweet dvd player. But ultimately, I do enjoy the fact that I dont have to answer to anyone but me and God. I just pray that I will continue to seek his wisdom and not follow my own wizdumb. When it comes to women, I am a fool. I jump in both feet first and not even think about whether or not I am doing the right thing. I guess I am becoming wiser, learning from my mistakes.

Thank you Father, for helping me, for saving me from myself. You are amazing.

Im Tired.

2005-06-27T11:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I just get so tired of life. What does my life consist of? Well, essentially my life consists of me struggling to keep money in my bank, because I have the inate ability to make money disappear.

I make myself feel important because I spend most of my waking moments at work. Finding something to do at work. After hours, so I dont have to face the reality of the fact that I am 32 years old and living at his parents house.

I make myself appear more important to those around me, by claiming I have to go to work, which I usually need to, but the reason is only because I feel I have to go back to work to work on things, that eventually need to get done. But when I usually do come back to work, I find other things to do. Watching soccer games online is mostly what I do.

Ok, I digress, its not all I do. I have spent many a night here, busting my ass trying to resolve a problem, or spending hours researching a problem that I have encountered or for future endevours.

But, like the title says, Im tired. Im tired of dealing with everyone elses problems with me and who I am. Im tired of having my ex's (ex wife, ex girlfriend) try to drive my life. Im tired of having my ex's try to make me feel like a failure. Im tired of everything around me crumbling into the rubble like the tower of Babal.

I come into work this weekend, as I was off site on Friday, to set up a new users account. I get half the information that I need. I get no info on the extra software that they need installed on their computer. I came in, set up the account, gave the user the rights, then watched 2 games before I decided that it was time to go.....

So I get a phone call, from Marla (ex girlfriend), who proceeds to try to start an argument with me because I havent returned her 4 CD's. So I tell her Im at work and I will return them tonight. She proceeds to yell at me asking why I didnt do it over the weekend and that this is why Im single, because I never "get anything done".

Honestly, I dont care that Im single. Yes, there is a girl that I am attracted to, however I am not pushing anything. There seems to be an attraction, however, it seems as both of us are taking it sloooooow. However, I get done watching the game and decide to drop off the CD's so I can get that over with.

I get there, she proceeds to jump all over me about money that I owe her. Now, I had a car when I moved up to West Va with her, granted, I was unable to pay for it, so I returned it. Probably the biggest mistake I made. Now, I owe the car place like 11K and they want it now, to where I have $0K in my bank. Ok, so she was the one who said, "Get rid of the car and I will buy you a another one." So I did, bought a used car for $700. Damn thing was a lemon. So we returned it to the guy who sold it to me. We got another one. I had to come down to NOVA for court, the new one broke down. I finally get smart and moved to NOVA.

So, I get another car. 3 cars in less than 6 months. So now I owe her a whole bunch of money, to which she is riding me about. But I am also, in her eyes, a loser.

Now, if you want to get a guy, and cut him down like the Redwoods in California, you call him a loser. And you can guess it, it pissed me off to high heaven. Yes, it hurt, it cut me like a knife, but I know the truth. I am not a loser. I told Marla, that if she wanted to view me as a loser, go right ahead, because it effects me not. I have hit a lower point in my life, at the moment, I have been lower. Jesus is my rock, Jesus is my salvation. Jesus views me with love. Jesus views me with unyielding love.

It is difficult to love though life, with unchanging eyes, when you are in a situation like mine. I have my ex-wife always asking for more money. Always behind on something. Always behind on everything. Marla, doesnt view me paying my scheduled child support, nor paying other bills that I have, as benifiting her. She wants her money now. She will get her money when I send it to her. I will send her a check this weekend, just to show her that I am starting.

Yes, I am tired of all the crap that I have to deal with. Sometimes, my old self comes through and wants to go on a rampage, beating the crap out of anyone that gets in my way on my path of self destruction. However, deep within the scarred recesses of my heart, Christ sits there. Christ tends to my bruised ego, saying, "I am with you". Christ puts His arms around me and says, "Follow me" and I try.

I could sit here and fill myself with anger and hatered for Marla, or even Jeanette. But Im not. I have more important things to do. However, I do pray for both. That they will come to some sort of happiness in their lives. Maybe thats what they both hate more about me than anything. Is the fact that there is something in me that seperates me from the rest of the world. I know that my time here is temporary. I try to make the best of it while I am here.

Thank you Oh Heavely Father, for giving me this chance to see things in a different light. Thank you for helping me, keep from hating, but loving my enemies. I know this is something that is slowly changing in me. Father, I just ask that you continue to work in me, changing me to someone new, who can be strong in YOU.
Thank you Father, for being my Rock, when I need something strong to stand on. Thank you Father for being the shield to deflect Satans attacks on me and my bruised and weakend ego. Thank You Father, for being there for me, and promising me that YOU will never leave me.

Thank you for being YOU. In Jesus precious name,
Amen

Words of Thunder

2005-06-15T21:46:00.000-04:00

Something occured to me, a little bit ago. I was outside of my job, again here over 12 hrs....smoking a cigarette. I have a lot of work here, and they hired a guy, who is to help out, he is definately a Jr person, and the guy is pretty cool. I will call him J. Ok, so the first thing I had J do for me was work on the backups, and in a smooth way, unbenounced to me, I gave him the backup job. It was now his responsiblity to maintain the backups and make sure they were working.

However, I also left him in charge of was changing the tapes all the time. Every where else, its been a rotation. Then the light bulb popped upon my head and turned on. How much of a dick can I be?? Granted, we both are lucky where we have a large backup system to where it holds 8 tapes and only have to change them maybe once a week, whereas most places you have to change them every day. So, I thought about that and realized that I shouldn't have turned around and just dumped the job into his lap. Yes, that has happened to me in the past, getting the crappy job dumped on you because your new and inexperienced. Thats how I learned, however, changing the tapes, a monkey can do. However, if there is a problem, one night when he is changing the tapes, like tonight, I think he might have a little bit of a panic and call me, which is fine, but I want to save him the stress.

So, I sent him an email. Told him I was sorry for being a dick and he was more than welcome to continue to maintain the server, I dont mind that. But I also told him that we would do it in a weekly rotation, but to just send an email when the tapes need to be changed. So now, its 10:05 and Im still at work, dealing with a problem. The backup device is acting up, so I have to figure out what is wrong with that now.....How many times have I been here at 12am, leaving, and get no recognicion for it? But, in all honesty, its not about getting the recognicion, its about doing a job and doing it right. So, on that note, I leave you. To strike forth against the forces of evil, the gremlins of technology, to spread truth about bad backup devices!!

Every Day, same old routine.

2005-06-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

I wake up, desire more sleep, jump into the shower, get dressed and head to work. I work all day, find an excuse to stay at work longer, so that I dont have to go home and deal with my parents.

Sometimes, I am lucky and get to hang out with some friends and dont get home til late. Its not that I dont like my parents, but we just have nothing in common. My room, is also the computer room. So, I have to deal with my mom being on the computer, when I get home. Its for work she says, which is fine. Im not going to deny her doing her job. I actually encourage it and when I am there, if she has a question, I answer as best I can. Im her personal IT guy. Whenever there is a problem that my mom cant fix, my dad surly isnt going to fix it, he calls me. I try to tell him how to fix it, but he is confused. So I do it myself. Not a big deal.

Now, my parents are out of town, for a week. They left last Saturday and will be back this coming saturday. So, I am at my parents house, alone.

I am not really alone, though. I have my cat, which lives in the basement, as he has a bad reputation of urinating and deficating all over the place. I checked the basement last night and everything seemed good. Didnt see anything out of the ordinary. I let him outside last night. Normally, I go to a friends house, hang out for a while, then go home, dead tired. Get up in the morning, dreading the fact that at 6am its already 70+ and I shower, get into the car and head to work.

As I drive to work, and if I remember, I try to pray. I try to remember to pray, but most of the time, Im so tired and just struggling to keep my eyes from shutting, that I send myself running down the road of morning radio zoo. I know I could be filling my head with Godly radio, however, at the time Im on the road, the radio just isnt appealing to me. Usually, once 8am hits, I can listen to Alistair Begg. Before I moved to WV, he was always on at 6am. I would listen to Charles Stanley every day. Now, he is on at 8:30 in the morning and I am at work at the time.

The one thing I so truly desire, is to feel HIS presence, to hear HIS talking to me, telling me that its ok. Telling me that HE is still with me. However, I do know that for Him to tell me this, I need to open my ears, and heart.

Everytime something comes to my mind, about how I am living in Him, I know that in many ways, Im just diluding myself. I feel that I have been blessed with a strong understanding of the Bible. Then, why dont I read it more? Why is it, that I would rather spend my time, playing an outdated "shoot 'em up" computer game, than spending time reading the words of our Heavenly Father, the One who has, time after time, protected me from myself.

Why is it, when I jump onto the internet, I could spend my time, surfing and finding more knowledge on HIM, finding different perspectives on how the world views HIM, yet I spend my time, split between playing games and surfing porn.

I am finding that the past couple of weeks, I have been reverting back to my old style of living. I dont want that for myself. I have found that I am flat broke, when I pay no rent. I have been just blowing money like its going out of style.

Something deep within me, is not happy with the way my life is going at this present moment. I know that I should have money in the bank, yet I dont. Where does it go, the money? It goes the way of the DoDo bird. In my pocket and out the door.

One thing that I have been wanting to do, especially now, that my parents are out of town, is spending more time in the Bible. Also, picking up A Purpose Driven Life, again and starting over. When I was reading that book, things were going better. So, I need to make these changes in my life, they are not going to happen on their own.

Heavenly Father, who art in heaven, please instill in me the strength and true desire to make these changes in my life. You are my strength, You are my rock. I know that if I ask, You will grant me these changes, if they are Your will.
I thank YOU Oh Heavely Father, for all that You have given me. I ask for a change of heart, and a new sense of direction.
I pray this, in Jesus precious name
Amen

Wow

2005-06-07T18:01:00.000-04:00

http://www.circlesixmagazine.com/ARTICLES/LIFE/060605.html

I have to say that its been about half an hour since I first read this article, from a website that has published 2 of my own articles. This has to be one of the most powerful articles I have ever read. I dont know why it has hit me so hard, maybe the fact that I have gone through a divorce and in all honesty, dont feel much remorse for it.

All I can say, still, is wow. Im still, wiping away the tears also....

Thanks to "Ezra" the one who wrote it, and to God, for giving me the opportunity to see it, alone at work..

Jesus, you are my SAVIOR and my friend. Thank you!!

Random Ramblings

2005-05-20T11:28:00.000-04:00

Well, on tuesday, I turn one year older. I dont want anything to be done for me, on said day. Why is it so important to praise me for being born, something I didnt have anything to do with? All glory should go to God, for it was by His design that I came about. I have a feeling, though, that my friends are going to do something. I usually hang out with a couple of friends, who live close to where I work. One of my friends who shall be named by his nickname symbol [] (squarehead is his nickname) is an amazing mandolin player.

Every tuesday, I go over to a friends house, Keagan, and listen to [] and his wife, and a friend of theirs, J, play bluegrass music. Keagans wife cooks dinner or orders out, I bring the beer, and everyone else plays music. So, I believe they will be doing something nice for me. I dont really want it, but I am not going to deny it either.

Now, I know a lot of people, who have asked me this question, and Im sure you will be wondering why I dont want people to do nice things for me for my birthday. Well, that reason is this. I hate being the center of attention. Thats why, even though I wish I could, I would never be able to sing in front of people, or even play music in front of people. I dont know why I am this way, because when I was younger, I did a bit of acting, and acted in a play at my church. But now, the thought of being in front of people gives me the same paralyzing fear as I get when the thoughts of flying, which I will be doing in August, to visit a couple of good friends, who live in San Diego.

I havent been here, much, cuz I dont want to force something out here. I want it to flow and be an honest representation of who I am. I dont want to just place trite, nonsensicle blabber. However, something has been jumping on me to write something here. I waited till I could think of something and I had something, but I dont know if I was able to really put it down. Im thinking this might be the time.

I was listening to Allistair Begg, www.truthforlife.com, and unfortunately I missed the first 5 "sermons" however, they were a study on Luke. The one sermon I listened to was basically, how are you living as a christian? Are you having conflicts, because of your stance in Christ. And this really got me thinking. Have I, in my life, ever had people angry with me, or basically dislike my stance in Christ?

Yes, it has happened to me. I have had good friends turn on me. I have had an ex-wife throw insult after insult at me in regards to my sexual orientation when I got back from Church, on numerous occasions. I have had insult thrown at me. But, Im the type of person to just roll with the punches. And, the thing that keeps entering into my head, when these situations happen, is it says in Mark (paraphrasing here) but people are going to hate you, because of who you are in Christ.

That thought has really stuck with me through the years. So long ago, over 2 thousand years ago, this loving God, presented us, sinful man, with a way to stay outta Hell. This guy, Jesus. Gods only son. Sacrificed to die a painful and horrible and gruesome death, to save me. And Jesus said, "If you are my friend, people are going to hate you. People are going to really want to make you look foolish". I have had discussions with people about "religion" and God. One person, who used to be my best friend said to me, one night when we were hanging out, that every question he had, I had an answer to it, yet he tried to present it in a bad way.

However, my friends who I hang out with now, are amazing people. These people, that I hang out with, are so much like Christ, they dont even know it. They are unjudging. They do not gossip. I hear more gossip outta christians than I do these people. There is a sense of honor among them. There is a sense of family among all them. If your part of the group, they will defend you till the day they died. And, when we discuss religion, they are respectful of my stance, whether or not they believe it. They accept me for who I am and for what I stand for. I had a discussion with a friend, a couple of weeks back, in regards to "religion". My stance on that is I hate religion. I hold a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I am a christian. I dont want to be associated with main stream christianity. Jesus was a rebel. Jesus was one who enjoyed life, and enjoyed hanging out with the sinners.

When the topic of "religion" pops up, I feel so honored to be the one they do turn to. There is another guy who is also a christian within the group, but, as I have been told, its very difficult to talk to him, but its easy to talk to me. I dunno, Im just going against what I originally said, if I didnt have anything to say, I wasnt going to post. I guess, I wanted to ramble. :) Hence the ramblings of a dog.

Bow wow :)

I Thank God for chosing me. I thank God for presenting me with the eternal gift. Sometimes I feel that I dont do enough for Him, and maybe thats true. But I also know that I am planter. I try to live my life in Love. Love my friends as I love myself. I treat people with Love. I hold doors open for people. I go outta my way to help someone that I see needing help.

Thank you, Father, for loving me unconditionally. Thank you Father, for watching over me, and helping me learn from my mistakes. Thank you Father, for being my rock, in times of dispair.
Thank you, Father, for being YOU.

Melodromaticly Something

2005-04-28T08:43:00.000-04:00

As I sit here, awaiting the daily grind to really get started I stare at my bottle of ADD medication. Is it really working for me? Is it right for me? Or is it something that fills my head with the thoughts of it working, like a placebo. I do feel the effects of taking the drug, but is it really doing its intended job, or bringing me into a world of addiction to "medication" that maybe I dont really need.

I pan my eyes across my desk to notice that, its still a pig sty. Yet, the piggynessisity of it all is not near the calibur that it once was. Its mostly just a pile of papers that have been used and have yet to be disposed of. In a matter of moments, I find that my desk will be clean again. One day, after a regular weekend, I came into work to see the status of my desk and actually thought to myself, "How can anyone work with this mess" and proceeded to clean up my desk in a matter of moments.

But, in reality, is it this drug, or is it just me, taking minor steps into being a mature adult? Instead of the childish little games, am I really making personal strides in my life, with Gods help of course, and finally reaching that plateau of maturity? I was over at a friends house a couple of days ago, hanging out and having a beer or two, and the discussion of age came around. I am going to be 32 next month, and the discussion turned to when we were younger we could exert ourselves and not feel a thing. Now we are at the age where if we over exert our selves, or even just exert ourselves just a little bit more than normal, how the next day we feel it.

I would like to think myself as a young and strapping young man, with a bit of a beer gut. However, the realization is that is not true. I am getting older. My thought patterns are different. The way I handle things is a little different. I dont truly know if it is the drug, or if its me, finally, hitting a sembalance of maturity. As I write this, I havent taken my medication yet. I usually take it around 10. That way, it gives me a chance to wake up and truly feel the effects of the drug.

I will admit, though, that I have found that my ability to focus has changed. I am able to focus a lot better. I have found that I am not letting myself get pulled in 12 different directions. When I start on a project, I work until its complete. That has been something that was mentioned to me in the past. I start a project and work on it fine, but once it gets "old" my interest fades from it. This week, I have acomplished 2 major goals that needed to be resolved. One has a minor detail that needs to be resolved, but that should be resolved with a little bit of trial and error.

I look at it this way, regardless of the fact, if it is the drug or not, I have to say, I am happy. I am happy with the change that has happened in my life. I know that God is always with me, and sometimes, its difficult to see that. Like the Footprints in the Sand poem (one of my all time favorites, I might add) I know that God has carried me through some of my rough spots. And I am also sure, that it is HIS hands that are helping me change. Maybe the drugs are really working, but ultimately it is HIM.

All I can say, is that there has been a change in my life. And its for the better. I plan ahead a little bit better, and hopefully that will also improve.

Helmet - Unsung

2005-04-21T23:13:00.000-04:00

As I sit here, festering in my own animosity, I listen to Helmet's Greatest Hits "Unsung". *Wavy lines wavy lines* Im going on a trip down memory lane......

I was turned onto this band by a friend of mine, who was part of my Youth Group at the church I attended at the time. He handed me a tape, I know, it dates me, but it was a compilation tape, and this band was on there. Helmet. How do I explain their music, for those that have never heard of them. Well, they are hard..... Hard rock. On a trip with the youth group, Don Stone as the youth pastor. Good guy, just never returns emails...LOL Anyways, sitting on the bus I heard this band, and it really got me going. Hard rock, loud and screaming, but not screaming. Its hard to explain. Anyways, I really enjoyed that band. Had a tape, and lost it some where among the numerous moves that I made. Probably got stolen in the house that I lived in, that would be equal to a crack house. No, crack wasnt sold there or consumed there, but it was close enough, next door.

I remember it like yesterday. Traveling in the bus, slooooow bus. But it was cool. Spent most of the time just listening to the compelation tape. So anyways, after I was craving Helmet, I realized that I lost the tape. Boo hoo for me. So I finally found them on CD, but they had broken up at least 5 years ago. But really, who cares about Helmet....

What a night. Let me tell you. I work 8 hrs at a place that has nothing for me to do. Im at an off site place, as part of the contract that my company has with them, so Im just basically a peon that does nothing. The last 3 or 4 people that held my position, Network Administrator, were "taken" by NOAA, a government company that we provide support for. Normally we provide personel for support but there has to be a floater, which, you guessed it, is what I am, for NOAA.

I like the people there, and the person who runs the show there is really cool. She doesnt micro manage or anything like that. However, every time I ask for something to do, they are "too busy" to provide me with anything. I have been there for the past two weeks, except for Monday and Tuesday, cuz of my back.

*sigh*
Had so much more written but oh well.

Life goes on.

2005-04-04T21:41:00.000-04:00

I was listening to System of a Downs new song, as Im driving down the road. I wasn't really listening, but it was catching my attention as I was driving down the dark and dreary road that I traverse every day, like clock work. With the lingering effects of my new happy pill (something for my ADD) my focus was drawn into the song that was playing. I like System of a Down. I like their style and I like the music. I like how the change the pace of their songs, at random intervals. Thats what really got me sucked into the song.

Now, I dont know the name of the song, but the one verse that I got stuck on was this lines.

"Why do they send the poor"

Well, the verse prior was in regards to the War in Iraq. It got me thinking. I was chanting along with them. Fist pumping in the air, wondering, "Yeah, Why is it, that the poor are always fighting our battles?"

But I thought for a moment. Well, the reason is, many of the poor find their "way" out of their poor stature, buy joining the military. And that, my friend, is the reason why we always send the poor.

The Article

2005-03-30T14:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally got the damned thing done, after sweating it for a couple of days and recieving emails about how they need articles, I sent in the rough draft. Turns out it was good enough for the final product, almost. Has to go through final editing, I believe but we shall see.
So anyways, here is the article that I sent and if it goes, it will be the first piece of literature that I have ever had published..

Explaining the Unexplainable.
By Jason Campbell

As I sit and ponder on my future, as I’m sure, many of you all do, I came to realize that my future was quite foggy as I had limited understanding on what lay before me. I had heard the term Social Security and how it’s supposed to give me money for the future, but I really didn’t understand it. With President Bush’s plan on how to change it made me even more confused, so I decided, with the help of the ever present internet, to find out what I could.

To start this, I figured I would need to learn how the current Social Security works. I had a fairly good idea of what was happening, but I wanted to be sure. One thing that I found, that I didn’t know, is Social Security is broken down into three different categories, Retirement, Survivors and Disability programs.

Obviously most of us all have heard of the retirement program to where an fixed, monthly income is provide to those that have reached retirement age, of 65. However, that will be changing soon, to the age of 67. How much that income is depends on how much they put into the system. Generally a person has to have worked at least 10 years to receive these benefits. I’m sure you all have heard of the early retirement, where you can retire at 62, but you will receive fewer benefits until the age of 65 and six months. Then you will receive your full benefits.

The Survivor program ensures that the spouse of a deceased worker will receive a pension for the rest of their life, once they reach retirement age. How much they will receive depends on how much both partners were making, while they were making. This program also pays out benefits to the deceased children under the age of 18 and the spouse that is caring for the children. Unless the child is disabled, the benefits will end when they are 18 or when graduated from school, whichever comes last.

The Disabled program pays out to workers who are disabled, a monthly income. However, in some cases the spouses or children, under the age of 18, receive these pensions. As like all the other programs, the benefits all depend on the working history of the disabled worker.

Another question that I had, while driving home from work one day, was how the Social Security is being funded. I know that its coming out of my paycheck every pay period but how exactly it being paid. Well, again, the internet provided me with some useful information. According to some research done by The Heritage Foundation, in 2005 both employees and employers will pay approximately 15.3 percent of the first $90,000 of the income and 2.9 percent of the income above that. The $90,000 is the dividing line, or “wage cap”.

Now, I have been hearing, a lot, on the news about Bush’s proposal to “fix” the Social Security. I personally didn’t know it was broken. I have heard two different stories. One being that the Social Security isn’t going to have enough money to pay out the beneficiaries too much longer, and another report stating that the Social Security is fine and has enough money, actually too much money, and would be able to sustain itself, without any more money, till 2045, while others say by 2018 Social Security will be bankrupt.

According to President George W. Bush, in 2008 there will only be 2 workers to support each beneficiary, whereas right now there are 3.3 workers, a dramatic drop from the 1950s where there were 16 workers supporting one beneficiary. Today, a worker around my age, 32, will face a 27% decrease in benefits with the current Social Security system.

From the White House website, it states that by 2018, the government will be paying out more money than it will be taking in, in taxes, and will continue to fall short of its goal. By 2042, an average worker now, who is in their 20’s, will no longer have a Social Security system to receive their benefits.

Bush has been working with Congress to find the best solution to fix Social Security and is open to any suggestion that doesn’t raise the payroll taxes. Some of the suggestions that have been made over the years are, limiting the benefits to the wealthy retirees, indexing benefits to prices, instead of wages, increase the retirement age; or to change the benefits formula to create less interest in early retirement.

The plan that seems to have the most publicity is Bush’s plan to essentially move all the taxes paid for Social Security into a personal account. The way its set up now, is as Bush said in his speech on March 21, 2005 at the Tucson Convention Center, “It’s a pay as you go system. You pay, we go ahead and spend it”, which received a resounding laughter. However, the way I look at it, it’s my money, so why can’t I get it. And this is how Bush is looking at it.

Under Bush’s plan to fix Social Security, the plan is to allow the worker to put part of their payroll taxes into a personal account. Then, the money would be put into a conservative mix of stocks and bonds. This is supposed to give the worker a higher return on their retirement fund than under the current system. For example a worker who makes an average of $35,000 a year, through out their working career, would have approximately a quarter of a million dollars in their account.

However, this would not be all the money that the average worker would receive. There will still be a monthly check mailed, but the amount would be significantly less than the $900 a month that is sent out in our current system.

It sounds nice and all but there are many skeptics that don’t feel Bush is being realistic in his plan. Many opponents view the current stock market and feel that Bush is wishing instead of looking in reality. Some even feel that the Social Security system is not going bankrupt like President Bush says it is.

According to Marilyn Watkins, Ph. D from the Economic Opportunity Institute, the Social Security funds are not in jeopardy. She feels that this crisis is “produced by Wall Street interests hoping for huge profits from new private accounts, fed by politicians eager for a few more votes, and promulgated by a media obsessed with sound bites and scandal” according to an article she wrote at the Economic Opportunity Institute website www.econop.org.

She feels that the forcast of Social Security bankrupting by 2042 is based on assumptions that the economy will grow slower than it did in the Great Depressions of the 30’s. In the past 50 years, the economic growth has averaged a 3.5 percent growth, annually, and that Social Security will be able to pay out the benefits until 2075 with no reforms.

There are five major problems with this plan Marilyn sees with President Bush’s plan. One is a stock market fantasy, which makes a lot of sense. The plan is based on a strong stock market, to a weaker economy. However, if the economy is weak, then there stock market will be weak.

There will be a large cut of Social Security benefits. Right now, benefits are scheduled to raise due to inflation, and drop when inflation drops. However, under President Bush’s plan the benefits would have to be slashed between 25% to 54%, according to most economists.

If the 2% of the workers pay, that currently goes into the Social Security account, goes into a private account, the rest of the benefits paid, by the government, needs to come from somewhere. Estimates say that workers would have to pay out, over the next ten years, approximately 1 trillion dollars to cover this cost.

To keep track of everyones personal account, there will be higher broker fees and higher investment fees that would go straight into Wall Streets pocket. In other words, according to Marilyn, “the rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer”.

After pondering on this for a moment, I am having a hard time seeing where the problems are coming from, that President Bush claims they are. In one side, I see that in some ways, President Bush is trying to teach us to fish, instead of just giving us a fish. However, I also see it as a very risky proposition. As unstable as the stock market is, since 9/11, I wouldn’t feel too confident that the money that is going into the stock market would be safe.

However, on the other side, I also see the pitfalls in where there is a major cut to what is presented to Social Security today. If there is another “stock market crash” then everyone has lost their money. The country goes further in debt to try to pay out money for people who are trying to survive.

In all honesty, my confidence in the stock market is not enough to say that President Bush’s plan is a feasible one. In my humble opinion, I just pray that this does not go through, as I think there are many holes in it. I support President Bush on most of what he is doing, but this is one plan that I can not get on board and support.

Explaining the Unexplainable.

2005-03-28T19:38:00.000-05:00

So, Marla and I finally did the deed and ended our rocky relationship. We tried to hang on as long as possible, however, it just wasnt going to be. So now I sit here all broken hearted. Well, its not as devistating as I had feared in the begining.

Maybe its the fact I had seen this day coming for so long. Maybe its my ADD medication finally removing me from the fantasy world that I seem to long for. Regardless, the deed has been done. No matter what I feel or say, I do agree that in reality, it was the best thing to do. Her needs were not being met, and I finally saw that. Regardless of how much we love each other, her needs were not being met. Whether or not I felt that her needs were childish, selfish or anything else, they are her needs to need, not mine.

Am I ok with this, yes. We tried the "just dating" scene, but my heart went deeper than that, and she feels that she can not give me her heart totally, she wants other things that I can not give her, like a first child, or first marriage. But these are needs that she wants met. I cant change that. Just like the movie Bruce Almighty, free will. And, in all honesty, I would never change that. I want her to be happy, as I do love her.

Free will, thats a doozy there. But, I see the reality of it too. Why would God give us free will, when all He has to do is make us love HIM. I can really see why there is free will. Because if I made Marla stay with me, it wouldnt be real. I wouldnt want a shell of herself. I want the whole thing, not just her being there and being forced to love me. Its just not a real love. Its not genuine.

I do have a genuine love for the Lord. I choose to love Him. He chose to give me the chance to live my life and make my own decisions, not forced to do what He knows whats best for me. Granted, it would make my life a whole lot easier if He did make the decision for me, but then again, I dont think I would truly know the joy of His love. The moments when I feel that He is sitting next to me, smiling with me are moments that I wouldnt change for anything.

For a while there, I had been a little reluctant to pray. Why, I dont really know. Maybe in a little funk. I didnt feel Him, didnt feel the desire to really pray. But this morning, I forced myself to, because I did want to, but...Its wierd...Im sure you have been there. You want to pray, but finding it very difficult to put yourself in a position that you feel awkward being naked in front of the Lord. Yes, I have sinned. I believe that to be the major point of why I found it hard to pray. I was down on myself for it, and know that I will fall into temptation again. However, I am trying to fight the urge to just skip over praying, and Lord Willing, I will move on from this dip in the road and will be stronger.

Now, I sit here at work, contemplating on going home or eating, tomorrows lunch now, so that I dont have to deal with the drone of my parents. I can sit here, and continue to do some research for an article I am attempting to write. At one of the Webmagazines I am a member of, needed people to help with some articles, so I offered to help. My topic was the title of this blog, in regards to Bush's Social Security plan. And the research I have found, Lord help us all. I love Bush, dont get me wrong, but this Social Security plan does not look too strong. I will comment more on that later.
Im going to get something to eat, then play a bit of the demo, Neverwinter......Yeah, thats the ticket.

The newest Buzz

2005-03-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

Well, here I sit at work.

Its been a while since I last posted. I have started taking drugs for ADD. And man, let me tell you, I am high as a kite right now. I do feel more focused though. Some are saying that it is supposed to take 2 - 3 days for it to start working, but I feel it working right now. Some of the noticable changes so far:

1. Flighty feeling, which I like........
2. Ability to remember things that need to be done, slightly improved.
3. Focus has gotten finer. Able to focus on something and not move away from it that easily.

Why did I get this stuff? Well, ever seen the comercial where the lady is sitting at her desk and its like a tv channel keeps getting turned. Well, thats like me. As I sit here looking at the screen, I can see other things in my preferial vision. Normally my attention would be easily taken to these other, unimportant objects. But now, I am focused on what I am doing, I see the stuff on the outside but they do not effect me. They dont call my attention. And for that I am happy.

I just pray to the Good Lord above that I dont have to continusouly seek other meds to fix what I see as a problem.

Damn the technology!!

2005-03-02T19:26:00.000-05:00

As I sit here at work, going on 12 hrs now, I wonder what happened to my previous blog?? I went to check the spelling and I lost my blog. It was nice and long and wonderful and stuff.....Ok, not wonderful but long. It was an update of my life. My misrable life. Ok, maybe not misrable. Could be worse. I couldnt have fingers to type this. If I didnt have fingers, I wouldnt have this job, as a network administrator. If I didnt have fingers, I wouldnt be able to give these irratic drivers around the Metro area the 1 finger salute to show them that they are number one. If I didnt have fingers, my nose would not be so clean (disgusting, I know hehe). If I didnt have fingers, my iches would not get scratched.
Or, I could be without nipples.....Ok, bad example.....how about Oh, if I didnt have fingers, then there would not be any fingernail clippings......

If I didnt have fingers, who would make my sammiches and feed them to me? Im glad to have fingers. But I dont like ear hair.

If you havent noticed by now, Im a little loopy. I have been here almost 12 hrs. But thats the way it goes here. I have gotten to leave on time about 4 times so far. My time to leave is 5pm and it is now 7:30. But as I said before, I cant complain. Its better to have a job that keeps you late, then not having a job at all. I enjoy the feeling of being needed. I dont enjoy the feeling of pressure when things dont go right. But when Im on the job, nothing goes wrong. (why did my nose just grow about 4 inches??) Right now our phone system is buggered up and the telecom guy just doesnt care. I would be messing with it right now, but Im limited on my knowledge of phone systems. But...Oh well. The last of the mohicans just left....Nope, as I scan the horizon, like a gopher popping his head out of his hole in the ground, I see one last person here. I do not want to be the last person here, but I might be....Oh the horror. I think my insanity has crossed into reality. My eyes burn from being so tired..............Im just babbling now, so I think I am going to sign off. Been here since 7:40, so my time is creeping up, 12 hrs in 5 minutes.....

Handy Dandy NOTEBOOK

2005-02-19T11:03:00.000-05:00

Good night and Mary Sue, I am one tired dog......I have my son this weekend, James. Unfortunately he sleeps in the same room I am in due to the fact that my parents are a bit of freaks, and well yeah we will leave it at that. So anyways, James got up early this morning, as he always does, and went to the bathroom. My dad offered to take him to breakfast, and let me sleep. Little Bugger didnt wanna take that option, he chose to sit there and wake me every 5 minutes as he was playing. But now he is out on a walk with my dad and I have on Blues Clues...Yeah, Im awake......:)

Other than that, I am pretty happy, and content. A friend of mine's mother has been diagnosed with MS and my friend, she is having a real hard time dealing with it. So if you think about it, please pray for her. Fortunately I have been able to encourage her a bit, but still she needs prayers...

I am at the point right now that things are going good in my life, and normally I would be pushing God out of the way, taking over the wheel. God, being the loving God that He is, would always move out of the way for me, so that I could take the car, at 300mph and end up 50 miles off track in a tree somewhere. This times different though. Watching what happened in the past week, really shows me that God is on my side. God is really watching out for me. I mean, prior to Sept 11th, it took me on average 2 weeks to find a new job. After Sept 11th, the average jumped to about 3 months. Never in my life did it take me 3 DAYS to find a job. Im making comparable to what I wanted to make, only 1k below my designated salary desire, but still, its more than I was making prior to me going to WV, and obviously a lot more than I was making in WV. So, yeah, waking up at 6am every day is not really my cup o' tea, but hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I enjoy my job, because I am learning stuff, as well as being needed......:) They turn to me for decisions in the IT department, which makes me feel important. But, the biggest change in me is this. I would pray whenever I would think about it. I would wake up in the morning and go to work, listening to Focus on the Family, or Charles Stanley, or even John McArthur, on the radio, but wouldnt really pray because I was too tired or would make some slim excuse of why I wouldnt be able to. But lately, I have been giving the day to God. Regardless of what happen, the day was Gods. And trust me, I have had some doozies of days. But I wouldnt let them get me down and just go about doing what needed to be done. Listening to Him for His suggestions and what not. In reality, GOD is good. He has helped me out of so many ruts in my life...

Thank you Father, for giving me the love that a person like me does not deserve. You granted me my life, more than necessary, but You continue to grant me my life. For that I am undeserving yet grateful. You are my Lord, You are my Focus, You are my heart. I am nothing without you. I thank you.
In Jesus precious name
Amen

Whence forth does the time go??

2005-02-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

So, I move back down to Northern Va, with a car full of clothing and my trusty TV, which is so old, I think Abraham Lincoln used it. With grand ideas of how my new life is going to be I trudge forth in my job search. I get my interview and being in NOVA for 3 days, I get a job. Happy days indeed. However, my weekend of celebration is for nought. Just prior to me recieving the full time job, I get a weekend contract. I got to sit down for 2 days, 12 hrs a day, calling florists to order flowers for those that desire a joyous Valentines day. Actually the first day was only 10hrs. Plus, my ex wife decided to have me take James, my son, for the weekend, so in turn it was my parents who had him... But thats another story all together. So anyways, I start on Monday. I had recieved a call on Friday saying how excited they are for me to join this small company and that I have work to do on monday. Great, I think to myself.

Monday comes, I arrive and BLAM!!!!!!

Im not saying its bad. Im just saying I got SLAMMED....I have been busy as a bee on a spring morning. But thats a good thing. Unfortunately I know none of the passwords to any of the servers, slowly compiling a list of them all. I am unfamiliar with the infrastructure here and what not. However, I am happy. I am currently employeed and am making decent money and feel needed again. *sniff* Oh, Im needed....:)

Also, me and Marla, my ex, have been emailing each other back and forth. Trying to come to some sort of solution of our "situation" as both of us are still strongly attached to each other and can not really break that tie. So, we have decided to see each other. Granted its not ideal for either of us, but we both want each other in our lives, but if someone else comes into our lives that we see starting a meaningful relationship, we are able to. Being 3.5 hrs away from each other, is difficult to really hold onto a strong relationship and with a car that needs an oil pump, and most likely will die soon, its even more difficult. So thats where I am in my life right now. My ex wife has already jumped on me, looking for more money, yet I am currently putting my son on my insurance. She, on the other hand, cannot put him on her insurance because it costs her too much, so she insures herself. Then, decides to go in with a couple of friends, to purchase a horse.........Can we say Priorities? Anyways, yeah......

Jobless no more!!

2005-02-11T00:44:00.000-05:00

Well, after being back in Northern VA for 3 days I can officially say that I am no longer a looser. I HAVE A JOB!!!

Yes, God IS GOOD!!
Yeah, I am stoked :)

The Times, They are a Changin'

2005-02-09T00:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I have moved back to my parents house, tail between my legs. They have been very nice and accomidating so far, but I have been here only one day. My ex girlfriend is quite upset and has called me all kinds of names. I feel bad, because I do love her and dont really want to leave her, however me, I need a job. I have been back in NOVA for only 2 days, really, and already I have an interview set up for tomorrow. Lord willing, this will be the job for me. I will be a dancing fool if I get this job.

So, yeah, me and my girl broke up. Its kinda hard to imagine not being with her anymore. I mean we were only together for a year, but the year flew by and I personally had a great time. She, on the other hand, has made it clear to me that she did not have fun. Thats the sad part. She has a hard time dealing with the fact that I screwed up my life and got married. And had a kid. So, I dunno, I know its for the best, but the ending of a relationship is always hard for one to deal with. Who knows, Maybe I am supposed to be like Peter, in the Bible, and be alone. I dunno. Im prepared for it though. I do feel that I need time to be by myself, not involved with another female for at least a year. So I can get my self situated and get my life back on track. I kinda go loopy when it comes to females. So, thats about where I am at now, back at my parents, 31 and living with my parents. Goodness, I am such a looser :) Lord willing, this job will take me elsewhere and i wont have to say to people, yeah, I live with my parents. LOL

Through the foggy haze

2005-01-20T13:01:00.000-05:00

Well, just recieved an email from my girlfriend (ex?) with her saying that she was letting me go. Ok, now, even though her and I were talking of breaking up in 4 months (crack plan I know) but it still hurts. Tears streaming down my face like the missippi river. Even though its to be expected, it still hurts. A year of my life has gone by and granted, it wasnt all joy and happiness, however it still hurts. It cuts me to the core. Yes, I do love this girl, and yes I would have gotten married to her. However, before that would have happened, we would have had to come to some compramizes and what not, who doesnt. But still, it hurts like hell. And what hurts the most, is when she closed the email saying I'll miss you. That hurts the most.

Man, this thing called love really hurts. Maybe this is the best for the both of us, but it hurts none the less. I have said this before, and I will continue to say it, I am staying away from females for a long time. I will remain single for at least a year. After the time, some would say that this is the best thing, but really, maybe it is, but it still, it really hurts. Ending a relationship is painful, whether you are doing it or not. I too, will miss her. She is a wonderful girl, and she is wonderful with my son. But she will never, as she says, will never be able to love him as her own. That may be the case, but time does change people. Maybe this is all for a reason.....I dunno....
Depths of dispair, here I come!!

Lord Please be with me. I need you, I want you. You are my savior and I know that you will never leave me.

Man, I wanna drink. Scotch on the rocks!!

The Judge and Jury

2005-01-18T16:54:00.000-05:00

Well, had to go to NOVA today, to go to court to see if my unemployed looser could lessen my child support payments, which the judge gladly said NO!. Not enough circumstances changed for him to lessen it. And also, on the way to Northern Virginia, my car started to get real hot. So Im kinda stuck here for a minute. Hopefully I can get someone to look at it tomorrow. Im actually quite tired at the moment, only had 2 cups of coffee today and one was luke warm, the other was quite horrible also. My dad wanted me to stop by and fix his computer, which I did. He said he was going to give me 40 bux for fixing it, but Im not going to take 40 off him. He did take me to court this morning when my car didnt start. So, I will just take 20. I know Im so nice. Been trying to get in touch with my girlfriend so she can be pissed about this. I must say, however, Im not too happy about it either. I cant afford the payments, but I will trust in the Lord that I am in his hands. I know this whole situation is full of Gods involvement. Which is great. I do love the Lord so much, and even though, right now everything has sorta gone to shit, I know that He is watching over me. A friend asked me if I was getting closer to God. And I am elated to say that this is the first time in my life that I can actually say, even in a minorly depressed mood, that YES I am growing closer. I may not "feel" him at the moment but I know that God is real and that His promises are forever, and will not break. And what did He say? That He would never leave me. Or you, or you, or you. So, yes, I am closer to God. I know I have a long way to go, in my spiritual journey, but we all do.

Life Long Search

2005-01-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

Again, I am back on the life long search for meaning. Searching for a job. For a male, so I have been told, a job makes you who you are. If thats the case, then right now I am a loser. Oh well. I have been called worse. However, that being said, I have been reading a book. Yes, I know how to read :) Anyways, its called "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I am actually enjoying it. It has made me think, deeply about my life and about who I am.

I am not this pathetic loser that I always, in my pits of self dispair, think I am. Yeah, I got laid off, dont have a job, and has a really difficult life. By my own choosing, I might add, because of my stupidity. I guess this is the part where I reveal a bit of my soul. Well, Im not going to go into history, but where I am at now, because I dont believe in dwelling on the past. But, it appears to me that my decision to move back to NOVA is becoming more and more a reality. Its not that I really want to, however, its where I think I will be best suited. Im in the computer field and well, WV just doesnt have them. NOVA (for those that dont know stands for Northern Virginia) is where a lot of technical jobs are. Also, after spending a year, praying and hoping that all the childish games would end from my ex-wife, I have come to realize that they wont. Its not fair to my son to have him so far away from me. I got to speak to him on the phone today, for a good 45 minutes. He's only four and well, I rather enjoyed it. Put me in a good mood after getting into a screaming match with my (soon to be ex) girlfriend because I opened a pack of cigarettes (that she bought) and put some in my pack, because she smoked half of mine. But she bought the cigarettes so she gets the full run of them. Leave me, one who is home all day, with 4. Thats nice. But anyways, it was fun to talk to him. Also, I kinda miss my friends. Granted, we never hung out a lot, but there were times when they did hang out and I miss that stuff. Who knows. I still dont know what my purpose of my life is, however I am starting to believe that my purpose is for my son. His mother is not a believer and well, she has made it quite clear that GOD does not belong in her life. And she has jumped all over me at times, when I wanted to bring him to church. Bringing my son to know Christ, I think is one purpose for me, and how can I do that when Im living in WV? Also, she has asked, time and time again, to set the visitation 1 week me, 1 week her. So, I would be very willing to accept that, remove the child support, and I believe, with her track record, gain full custody of him. But, thats here nor there. I gotta look at the immediate future. My girlfriend has given me till the end of January to move out. But, to be quite honest with you, its not the first time I have heard that from her. I also hear from her, a lot, how she wouldnt be able to finish school, if I wasnt here. I have made her time here in WV a lot easier. I dunno. A lot of mixed messages, but I need to not focus on my "love life" and focus on my real life. I tend to dwell in fantasy a lot, because I can be someone there. I can be the coolest guy, or the hottest guy, or the strongest guy. But in reality I am a weak scared little boy, in a mans body.

Where to roam

2005-01-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, after spending 10 months trying to find a job in this wonderful land of West Virginia, I get a job, only to be canned after a month and a half. Apparently they are "restructuring" so the new guy gets the boot. Now, Im back at square one. My girlfriend, who is so kind, decided to take me out for a couple of drinks to get my mind off of my recent unemployment. Well, that lasted all about 1 hr. Yeah, my mind was off my unemployment, however it appears to me that my past marriage is more important of a topic of conversation rather than what is ahead of me.

Oh well, I plan on sticking to my guns, but first I need to figure out where I am to go next. I could go back home, tail between my legs, seeking refuge back in my parents house. That would go over like a ton of bricks. See, my parents and I dont have the greatest of relationships. My mother, is a psycho. My dad, he is the type that would say "I told you so." Then he would proceed to tell me how to live my life. Proceed to tell me how I am not good enough and that my shit-canning was in some way my fault. Yeah, I do think that, but they have stated that they would give me a letter of recomendation and what not. My old boss also, has repeatedly told me that it has nothing to do with my performance or technical knowledge.

So, Im back at the starting square again, not knowing what Gods will is for me. Desperately seeking the knowledge of whether or not to stay here, in WV or to move back to NOVA or even closer to NOVA, so I can be closer to my son. I have a friend in San Diego who has been asking for me to move out there. "You'd love it. Its shallow, but to the point that its so shallow that its funny". Yeah, just like NOVA, which is why I left in the first place. Yeah, the fact that its weather doesnt change and there is no winter, does seem appealing, but for a moment. I like the snow, just hate the people that try to drive in it. I guess this is when I am going to have to learn to Trust in Him. He, I know, has me in His hands. Sometimes I just wish that His plans were not so mysterious to me. I wish I could know what He has planned for me. I know that through Prayer and through seeking His word, in the Bible, I can find some answers. Its just hard to trust when right now, I have little trust to give. Ex-wife that loves to play her little games, thinking she is doing the right thing by our son. A girlfriend who loves to ride the past and continously tell me how we wont work, and when I say Ok, Im leaving, all hell breaks loose. A mother that wont speak to me because she hates me for who I am. Who am I? Someone that is nothing like her and didnt turn out to be the Dr. that she thought I would become. In all honesty, Im not really hers. I was adopted but she was the one who rose me to be the dolt that I am now. A father that rides all the negative aspects of my life, and who doesnt really know me. A son who loves me to death, but when he gets dropped off at his mothers house, he gets bombarded with questions on what I did with him. A job that hired me saying that they need someone as they are swamped. A month and a half later, they let me go, because of "restructuring". What am I going to do? Well, I guess the first thing I need to do is play Mechanic and get my car fixed, if possible. I know nothing about cars. Computers, is a different story. But anyways. My frustration level, as Im sure you can understand, is pretty high. However, the one good thing that I have going for me is that Jesus Christ is my personal savior and that my time here on earth, is only temporary. My life is not here, but in Heaven.

Happy New Years broken resolutions!!!

2005-01-03T17:27:00.000-05:00

So this is the time to make a resolution, of how you are going to change for the next year. What a load of crap!! Why wait till the "New Year" to make a change about yourself? Why not now? Makes you feel important to make a resolution. All the resolutions are, changes about yourself that you plan to make. We all know that those resolutions will not hold. Your weak!!!!

I place myself into that catagory as well. I know, of all people who know me, that I am a weak individual. However, since I started this, there are certain things about me that I would like to change.
1. Remain single for a while.
2. Go to the gym, once in a while.
3. Find me a nice church
4. I dunno, go to the doctor, maybe visit a shrink. Yeah, thats the ticket.

I feel that these New Years resolutions are worthless. I mean, you want to make a change about yourself, so you wait for the new years, only to break the resolution 5 minutes into the new year. I plan on making changed for myself, and I let myself be led by Christ. One of those changes is to focus myself more towards God, and so I picked up "A Purpose Driven Life" and already have had a good deal of shit, from my current girlfriend, laid upon me. But thats my life, drama drama drama. Lord Willing, I will have the strenght to do what I need to do. I usually have so many deep and penetrating thoughts, but when the clock strikes 5 my brain is much, so it comes out like gibberish from a 5 year old. Working on computers and staring at the monitor all day steals brain cells. it does. me no likey brain sells go bye bye.

See I told ya. Well, yeah. What to do, what to do. Continue on with life, and do what needs to be done.

Life, or something like it.

2004-12-27T17:11:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas is over, which is fine by me. My christmas was uneventful, why thanks for asking. Got to spend time with my son, overly clingy son. But its not his fault. He is going through a rough time. Spending the weekend with me, then going home and being bombarded with questions from his mother. So I have to deal with her crap, then my current girlfriend, dealing with her "issues" of my life. *Sigh*
I know how to put myself in to wonderful situations. But I know that God will always be there and keep me safe. Thats something that I am going to be learning, TRUST. Thats something that will be difficult for me to do, as I am one to do things on my own. Lord willing, I will be standing strong.

Trust, is a hard thing to do. No one knows what is going on inside someone elses head, so to trust in someone that is "real", physically touchable, is hard enough. How in the hell do you trust in something that you cannot see, like God. I have found, in my life, that God is real. God has pulled me out of situations where death was a very strong potential. Rolling on extacy, then drinking a 12 pack of beer, is not a smart thing to do. It can kill you. Extacy in itself, can kill you. Drinking beer is the worst thing for you to do. But thanks to God I made it through that excursion.
Well, thats the first, lame, installation of my blog. Stay tuned for another exciting episode, I guess.

Blah

2004-12-15T17:15:00.000-05:00

Dont hold your breath but the dog will start writing later.